This is re-posted with permission of Brian Dodd on Leadership.

Unfortunately, there are several people in my personal life who have recently divorced or are strongly considering the idea. This is a devastating epidemic in our country that leaves negative consequences affecting multiple generations. What is always humbling is that even the most healthiest of marriages are only one wrong decision away from a lifetime of regret.

David Jeremiah recently said “The church has done an excellent job putting ambulances at the bottom of a cliff. What we have to start doing is putting barriers at the top of the cliff.”

I recently had an enlightening conversation on what you actually base a marriage on. Here is what I told the person you do NOT base a marriage on:

1. Trust - Every healthy marriage has trust. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
2. Love – Every healthy marriage has love. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
3. Common Interests – Every healthy marriage has things in common. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
4. Attraction – Every healthy marriage has attraction. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
5. Companionship – Every healthy marriage has companionship. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
6. Money – Every healthy marriage must have financial resources. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
7. Kids – Children are obviously important. You just can’t base the marriage on them.

Once he picked himself up off the floor we addressed the appropriate follow-up question. So if you can’t base a marriage on Trust, Love, Common Interests, Attraction, Companionship, Money, or the Children, what do you base a marriage on?

A Healthy Marriage Is Based Upon A Person. A healthy marriage is based on Jesus Christ. Marriage was instituted by God and is a picture of the relationship He has with his bride, the church.

A Healthy Marriage Based Upon A Person has these benefits:

1. A reliable foundation that does not change.
2. A manual called the Bible that teaches you how a marriage works.
3. A model of sacrificial love.
4. A model of commitment.
5. A healthy way to resolve conflict. For more information on this topic, click here.
6. A reliable counselor who brings reconciliation.
7. A financial coach who helps you avoid the pressure of debt.
8. A generous benefactor who gives you perfect gifts and meets all your needs.
9. A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
10. You understand the value of purity.

The most important leadership roles I have is that of husband and father. The reason is because each day I set precedent and send my family forward to a time we cannot see. Tell me your thoughts on what you think a marriage should be based on.

Craig Gross, founder of XXXChurch.com, just released two books on sexual integrity, “Eyes of Integrity” and “Pure Eyes“. the first is a general book about porn, how it affects us all and how to get help. The second is a man’s guide to sexual integrity.

The exciting thing is that our ministry is featured in the Resources section of both books. In their online resources, they provided the link to Higher-Calling.com, a ministry of ours for those struggling with sexual sin. Higher-Calling.com was re-branded as The Purity Report at the beginning of this year.

We highly recommend these new books and look forward to the opportunity to help a lot of people through these referrals.

The short podcast at this link gives some great perspective and advice on how to share your struggle with pornography with your spouse.

Here are a couple of points:

• Talk to someone “safe” first such as your pastor, a counselor or trusted friend
• It is better to tell your spouse than to be caught by them
• Honesty is the foundation of intimacy
• All of the gory details are not necessary
• Don’t unload on your spouse to ease your guilt, but to create openness and honesty
• Be prepared to receive their anger and don’t let that deter you from being honest
• Don’t wait for the perfect time – it will never arrive – it will always be awkward and difficult

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

- John 10:10 NKJV

Have you ever felt like lust has stolen from you; your peace, your rest, your dignity? Have you felt dead inside because no matter how hard you tried you could not stop doing the things you do not want to do? Have relationships been damaged or completely destroyed by the effects of your secret sin? If these short questions ring true with you, there is a thief in your midst. But, who is this thief? Is it the devil or is it the deceitfulness of the flesh?

So often, we hear of how the devil tempts us to sin and indeed he does. However, we also know that temptation comes from the flesh; the depraved mind which continually tries to get its needs met apart from God (see James 1). It is common to see those struggling with habitual sin approach their plight wholly from one of these views. Either the devil or one of his minions has taken a keen interest in them for some reason or they are convinced that they are loathsome creatures who are completely disqualified from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus speaks about in the verse above.

Neither of these one-sided views are helpful in the long run because because neither perspective has a proper focus. While it is understandable that someone would see things this way, they are either focusing on themselves or on the enemy. It is tempting to think that what we need is balance – a view that keeps both of these things in perspective. This too is flawed. We are clearly instructed in scripture that our focus should be singular – Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith.

Giving too much of our attention to ourselves or the devil are deceptive distractions from the One who has the power and deep desire to set us free. We are instructed to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Living in shame or casting blame on the devil does nothing in this transformation process. Jesus wanted so badly to set us free from the shackles of sin that He laid down his life. He endured the cross because of the joy that was set before Him (Heb. 12:2). And what was this joy? A relationship with you!

We are imperfect, fallen creatures who are in need of sanctification. There also is an unholy enemy who should not be disregarded. But to the extent that these things distract us from Jesus Christ and a growing relationship with Him, they have become unhealthy. It is by grace that we are accepted into the beloved and by grace that we stand in the face of our enemy.

“…humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”

- 1 Pet. 5:6-11

Remember that the Christian life begins in Christ, continues in Christ, and will end in Christ. Our fallen state and our fight against the evil one must be kept in this perspective. Jesus is our very life!

The Emotional Cup diagram is reproduced with permission from Intimate Life Ministries

This diagram illustrates a concept called “Emotional Capacity.” The idea is that we can only hold so much emotion. Think of our emotional capacity as a cup. It is full of all sorts of different emotions. Some positive, some negative. The point is that when we are filled up with negative emotion, our ability to experience positive emotion is significantly diminished.

It is very important for us to go through whatever steps are necessary to drain our emotional cup of as much negative emotion as possible. In doing so, we greatly increase our capacity for positive emotions. Notice in the diagram that “Positive Emotions” only represents a small portion of the cup. As the other negative portions grow, the positive section shrinks. Conversely, as the negative portions are eliminated the positive capacity increases.

Another important point is that our cups are filled with some very OLD emotions that have settled way down to the bottom. Unless emotions are “emoted” (expressed, felt, experienced and validated) we will continue to carry them around. These emotions become breeding grounds for more negative feelings that bubble to the surface. When we are “squeezed” by life, all of the unhealthy things popping out of the top of the cup are what we get. (I think we know what that thing is for us who struggle with sexual integrity.) This is the “baggage” we have all heard about. We are all walking around with this junk lodged in our hearts.

This diagram and analogy has been EXTREMELY helpful to me in understanding the anthropology of addiction. We are humans and as such we are emotional creatures. Show me the coldest of people and I will show you someone with a full emotional cup; full of hurt, anger and fear that they have learned to shut themselves off to. In denying ourselves the opportunity to express negative emotion, we also rob ourselves of the joy of experiencing positive emotion. Addiction is a way to numb ourselves to the negative emotions we have been carrying around.

At the bottom of the cup notice there is HURT. We numb the pain with our addiction. It is the hurt, the pain, the negative emotions that fuel our addiction. It is not a flaw in us, it is our humanity straining to express itself; our silenced emotions crying out to be heard. That is why when we stop acting out we can feel so incredibly bad. After the numbing effect of acting out wears off, the emotions rise to the surface. The key is to feel them, express them, talk about them, and empty our souls of them. In doing so, we chip away at the bedrock of our addiction.

I know this is deep, but it very relevant to the process of recovery. Have you ever noticed how much better you feel about life when you feel good about yourself? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you confess you are struggling to someone else? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you forgive someone from the heart and stop carrying around the bitterness? You are experiencing this concept first-hand.

Let’s keep on this road so our lives can be as full of joy as possible. The Discussion Forum at The Purity Report is a great place to unload some of our negative emotions. It is meant to be a safe place for us to support one another in this endeavor.

Really take some time to study this diagram and ponder how the concept of emotional capacity has played out in your own life.

God Bless!

David Zailer posted an extremely good update to his blog today.

http://operationintegritydaily.blogspot.com/2010/08/recovering-healthy-relationship-with.html

Here are a few quotes from the article. They are in the context of doing a Step 4 inventory of our past sins.

No matter how we may rationalize it differently, our addictions have been destroying us. Part of the insanity of addiction is how we tend to minimize the damage that our addictions do.

…

We look ourselves over much like we would examine a part of our body that is hurting. We do it with care, in a nurturing way.

…

We need to understand that addictions grow because of self-centeredness. Addiction is not the cause of moral failings nor is it a moral failing in and of itself. Addiction, and any subsequent moral failings are caused by spiritual and emotional longings that have gone unmet. Because of this, it is critical that we see how we have contributed to our own spiritual and emotional deprivation. For you see, our addictions take hold of us as we seek to meet needs that we cannot meet and escape pain that is too much for us to handle on our own. Sadly, in addiction, the very things that we have used to escape our pain actually increase our pain. Then, addictions grow and deepen all the more.

I read an amazing quote this morning…

“The genesis of an obedient life is our confession, most notably the confession of our disobedience is what prompts us to live an obedient life with God.” – Ann Lamott, page 99, Bird by Bird

This validates my own experience and deep held belief that confession is at the core of recovery from our addiction to sin. That is what The Purity Report is all about – creating a safe environment for confession to begin and be maintained.

If you are interested, my church used some video of my testimony in Part 1 and 2 of the current sermon series called “Frantic”. It was really neat to take part. You can see them at these links:

http://www.therevolution.tv/sermons/play/frantic/part1 http://www.therevolution.tv/sermons/play/frantic/part2

I was really struck reading Psalm 19 this morning. I thought I’d share this passage and let it stand as-is!

12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

13 Keep me from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.

14 May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death. 2 Corinthians 7:10, NLT

“We can accept God’s good gifts too easily. Grace can be accepted only when we face our own inabilities. Forgiveness can be embraced only when we lay bare our wrongdoing, and hope can be imparted only when we face the reality of our own despair.” – Charles Ringma

Humility is an awareness that we are both imperfect and worthwhile at the same time. Humility is a high ground that traverses the bogs and swamps of grandiosity and self-hatred. Humility chooses to follow God’s plan over our own. When we live humbly, which we can be defined as consistently choosing God’s way of doing things over our own way of doing things, impossibly good things begin to happen to otherwise impossible people like us. We get turned inside out. Our attitude begins to change. Our outlook on life becomes healthier and more balanced. The destructive feelings we have had for ourselves will diminish. We will begin to see things differently. As we change on the inside, things around us begin to change as well. Life and the way we live it begin to make sense.

Humility is an acceptance of ourselves, sin and all. Humility helps us to see ourselves with one eye to evaluate and the other eye to appreciate. Humility admits to shortcoming and wrongdoing, then it reaches out and accepts the help that is needed to make serious changes. Humility helps us to understand the problems that we cannot solve on our own. This is why Jesus becomes increasingly important to us in our recovery. For you see, God never expects us to solve all of our problems on our own. He understands that our character defects and our addictions are beyond our ability to change. So, God offers to do for us what we can never do for ourselves. He offers to transform us by taking our character defects and, in exchange, replacing them with the character of Jesus. All we have to do to is to give up our character defects to Him and humbly receive Jesus’ character as God, according to His plan, builds it in us.

Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery

By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity

Chapter Seven Segment One

Copyright David Zailer, 2008

Operation Integrity

24040 Camino del Avion #A115

Monarch Beach CA 92629

1-800-762-0430

operationintegrity@cox.net