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I read a blog post today called “The Martyrdom of Marriage” that is really worth reading. If you struggle in your marriage please take the time to read it.
http://anam-cara.typepad.com/anam_cara/2010/09/the-martyrdom-of-marriage.html
Take a few minutes and reflect on this question: What are the biggest triggers for your lust?
- Physical triggers (people, places, things)?
- Emotional triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)?
Understanding physical and emotional triggers for our lust is an important component of recovery. They reveal specific areas of our lives in need of boundaries and accountability. They also reveal aspects of our sinful nature which must be reckoned as crucified with Christ so we may walk in the newness of the Spirit rather than the lust of the flesh (Rom. 6:11, Rom. 8:5-14, Gal. 2:20, Gal. 5:24).
Here are a few of my personal triggers…I am being very open in sharing these…
Physical Triggers
- Women with the right shape in a pair of tight blue jeans or other clothing showing her rear-end.
- Really pretty eyes of any color.
- Pretty long hair
- Long, hot showers or baths
- Seeing my wife naked (My healthy attraction for her can morph into lust if it is not kept in check.)
Emotional triggers
- Loneliness
- Feelings of rejection and disapproval
- Feelings of inadequacy/inferiority
Hard to classify (may involve both physical and emotional triggers)
- Going long periods of time without being intimate with my wife. This begins to stir up feelings of rejection, disapproval and inferiority. It also involves seeing my wife and being physically attracted to her.
- Any interaction with my Dad. I often have feelings of rejection and/or anger from past hurts when I have contact with him.
Let’s be honest about the deep anger and resentment that we have held against some of the people to whom we owe amends. All of us have suffered to some degree because of the anger we have stored up on the inside. If we take a moment to honestly consider this, we will see that there is really no question that we have felt this way. Anger and resentment are some of the core feelings that drive our addictions. The only real relevant question now is, Can we – will we face our anger honestly, with integrity, and not let it stand in the way of our recovery?
Recovery and future growth will not allow us to sidestep our feelings. We have to be willing to confront the destructive feelings that we have felt for certain specific people (this may even include a group of people or a particular demographic) if we want to recover and make healthy changes to our relationships in the future. Feeling the way we feel does not excuse us from taking the important steps that we need to take in order to make amends to the people we have harmed. Feelings are feelings and nothing more. They are like lights on the dashboard of our lives. They tell us about important things that are going on under the hood but they are not intended to dictate the actions we take nor do they excuse our procrastinations.
There may be times when we realize that some of the people who are on our amends list have caused us harm and the wrongs they’ve done to us far exceed anything we’ve done to them. It is vitally important that we keep our focus here. The wrongs that other people have done to us are not our concern at this point in time. We need to make the decision to no longer hold their wrongs against them. After consulting with our advisors, let us contact these people and apologize to them for our inappropriate actions, offering to do whatever we can do to repair the damage we have caused. These particular people may have never acknowledged the hurt and pain they have caused us, and maybe they never will. Nevertheless, let us continue to forgive them everyday, not because they are innocent or because they deserve forgiveness, but because we need to do so in order to continue to recover from our addictions and to heal from the damage they did to us.
Occasionally feelings of anger and resentment will return. Because of this, we should diligently monitor our own thoughts and feelings and be willing to let go of any renewed anger that comes up. While we may not have a future relationship with these particular people, our attitude toward them, ourselves and others will be radically improved only to the degree that we are willing to forgive them and make amends to them. We can be honest about how things really were in our past relationships. We don’t need to make excuses for our friends, our families or for ourselves anymore. Things simply were the way they were and, today, they are the way they are. We can hope and even pray that someday things may change, that we can have a healthy and happy relationship with all people and that all people will recognize that our new life and values are worth appreciating. But, in order for us to continue to grow in God’s plan for our lives, we must remember that other people’s attitude toward us are none of our business. It is between them and God.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Nine Segment Two
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
In this video by Tal Prince, he shares how he first was exposed to pornography and how it was powerfully associated as an escape from porn. He goes on to explain how porn addiction is an “intimacy disorder” and what that means. You can learn more about Tal’s ministry at www.route1520.com.
This is re-posted with permission of Brian Dodd on Leadership.
Unfortunately, there are several people in my personal life who have recently divorced or are strongly considering the idea. This is a devastating epidemic in our country that leaves negative consequences affecting multiple generations. What is always humbling is that even the most healthiest of marriages are only one wrong decision away from a lifetime of regret.
David Jeremiah recently said “The church has done an excellent job putting ambulances at the bottom of a cliff. What we have to start doing is putting barriers at the top of the cliff.”
I recently had an enlightening conversation on what you actually base a marriage on. Here is what I told the person you do NOT base a marriage on:
- Trust - Every healthy marriage has trust. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Love – Every healthy marriage has love. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Common Interests – Every healthy marriage has things in common. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Attraction – Every healthy marriage has attraction. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Companionship – Every healthy marriage has companionship. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Money – Every healthy marriage must have financial resources. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Kids – Children are obviously important. You just can’t base the marriage on them.
Once he picked himself up off the floor we addressed the appropriate follow-up question. So if you can’t base a marriage on Trust, Love, Common Interests, Attraction, Companionship, Money, or the Children, what do you base a marriage on?
A Healthy Marriage Is Based Upon A Person. A healthy marriage is based on Jesus Christ. Marriage was instituted by God and is a picture of the relationship He has with his bride, the church.
A Healthy Marriage Based Upon A Person has these benefits:
- A reliable foundation that does not change.
- A manual called the Bible that teaches you how a marriage works.
- A model of sacrificial love.
- A model of commitment.
- A healthy way to resolve conflict. For more information on this topic, click here.
- A reliable counselor who brings reconciliation.
- A financial coach who helps you avoid the pressure of debt.
- A generous benefactor who gives you perfect gifts and meets all your needs.
- A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
- You understand the value of purity.
The most important leadership roles I have is that of husband and father. The reason is because each day I set precedent and send my family forward to a time we cannot see. Tell me your thoughts on what you think a marriage should be based on.
Craig Gross, founder of XXXChurch.com, just released two books on sexual integrity, “Eyes of Integrity” and “Pure Eyes“. the first is a general book about porn, how it affects us all and how to get help. The second is a man’s guide to sexual integrity.
The exciting thing is that our ministry is featured in the Resources section of both books. In their online resources, they provided the link to Higher-Calling.com, a ministry of ours for those struggling with sexual sin. Higher-Calling.com was re-branded as The Purity Report at the beginning of this year.
We highly recommend these new books and look forward to the opportunity to help a lot of people through these referrals.
The short podcast at this link gives some great perspective and advice on how to share your struggle with pornography with your spouse.
Here are a couple of points:
- Talk to someone “safe” first such as your pastor, a counselor or trusted friend
- It is better to tell your spouse than to be caught by them
- Honesty is the foundation of intimacy
- All of the gory details are not necessary
- Don’t unload on your spouse to ease your guilt, but to create openness and honesty
- Be prepared to receive their anger and don’t let that deter you from being honest
- Don’t wait for the perfect time – it will never arrive – it will always be awkward and difficult
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
- John 10:10 NKJV
Have you ever felt like lust has stolen from you; your peace, your rest, your dignity? Have you felt dead inside because no matter how hard you tried you could not stop doing the things you do not want to do? Have relationships been damaged or completely destroyed by the effects of your secret sin? If these short questions ring true with you, there is a thief in your midst. But, who is this thief? Is it the devil or is it the deceitfulness of the flesh?
So often, we hear of how the devil tempts us to sin and indeed he does. However, we also know that temptation comes from the flesh; the depraved mind which continually tries to get its needs met apart from God (see James 1). It is common to see those struggling with habitual sin approach their plight wholly from one of these views. Either the devil or one of his minions has taken a keen interest in them for some reason or they are convinced that they are loathsome creatures who are completely disqualified from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus speaks about in the verse above.
Neither of these one-sided views are helpful in the long run because because neither perspective has a proper focus. While it is understandable that someone would see things this way, they are either focusing on themselves or on the enemy. It is tempting to think that what we need is balance – a view that keeps both of these things in perspective. This too is flawed. We are clearly instructed in scripture that our focus should be singular – Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith.
Giving too much of our attention to ourselves or the devil are deceptive distractions from the One who has the power and deep desire to set us free. We are instructed to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Living in shame or casting blame on the devil does nothing in this transformation process. Jesus wanted so badly to set us free from the shackles of sin that He laid down his life. He endured the cross because of the joy that was set before Him (Heb. 12:2). And what was this joy? A relationship with you!
We are imperfect, fallen creatures who are in need of sanctification. There also is an unholy enemy who should not be disregarded. But to the extent that these things distract us from Jesus Christ and a growing relationship with Him, they have become unhealthy. It is by grace that we are accepted into the beloved and by grace that we stand in the face of our enemy.
“…humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
- 1 Pet. 5:6-11
Remember that the Christian life begins in Christ, continues in Christ, and will end in Christ. Our fallen state and our fight against the evil one must be kept in this perspective. Jesus is our very life!
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