Tough-love conversations frequently fail because they either express love at the expense of taking a tough stand against sinful behavior (enabling), or they confront sinful behavior without regard for love (rejection). In Part 1 of this article, I outline the first of three steps to follow when confronting a loved one who is willfully engaging in sinful behavior, specifically, a husband who continues to view pornography. As I stated, the first three steps amount to the “tough” portion of the conversation. First, we name the sin. Second, we clarify the consequences of that sin by establishing healthy boundaries. Third, we call for repentance without begging or sacrificing dignity.

You may have noticed that each successive step requires more maturity than the one before it. Consequently, each step is increasingly rare. To name someone’s sinful activity without demeaning his or her worth requires uncommon wisdom. Very few people see the subtle, yet profound difference between these two statements:

“You are lying.”

“You are a liar.”

One states an objective fact that can be either proven or refuted. The other presumes to judge a person’s character—a right the Lord reserves for Himself alone.

To establish healthy boundaries without seeking vengeance is exceedingly level-headed, and requires even greater maturity. More often than not, we respond to hurtful behavior by seeking to hurt in return, primarily because we hope that the pain of our offender will satisfy our need for empathy. How rare it is when someone says simply, “I can’t stop your destructive behavior, but I can refuse to be in your presence while you sin and I can limit my exposure to the negative consequences of your choices.”

To call for repentance while resisting the urge to coerce, control, or beg is even rarer still. So, steps #4 and #5 will probably come as a complete surprise to the husband solidly entrenched in his affair with pornography.

Again, each step requires forethought and planning, and all five should be presented at once in a compassionate conversation.

Step 4: Offer a plan for reconciliation and, ultimately, complete restoration.

Work with a counselor to form a specific plan for reconciliation and the rebuilding of trust. You have undoubtedly heard the words, “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll change,” enough times to recognize them as meaningless. (My friend and colleague, Dr. Bryce Klabunde, has written an outstanding article explaining how to recognize genuine repentance, titled “I’ll Change, I Primise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance.”) Good intentions are not enough—for either of you. He likely feels powerless to stop his behavior and you have no reason to trust that he will guard his mind for you. Neither his self-control nor your trust will be restored overnight. It’s a gradual process and it must be intentional.

This restoration process must include three essential components: individual treatment, ongoing accountability, and couple’s counseling. Depending upon the severity of your husband’s activity, individual treatment may include in-patient treatment at a special facility, intensive workshops with trained professionals, individual counseling, assigned reading, or a combination. (The article, “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently” will help you assess the severity of your husband’s problem and suggests several resources to help you addressing them.)

Ongoing accountability is essential for any man who has intentionally viewed pornography . . . and a generally good idea for all men. An accountability relationship with a male mentor, such as a pastor, counselor, elder, father, or authority figure is ideal. A small accountability group of men can be helpful, as long as the other men do not struggle with this issue. The role of an accountability partner is to look your husband in the eye on a regular basis and ask tough questions.

Accountability must also include the installation of accountability and/or filtering software, such as Covenant Eyes. The primary purpose is to make accidental exposure to pornography less likely and to add the much-needed element of consequences to the recovery process. Your husband simply installs this software on any computer he uses, and it sends regular reports of his Internet activity to an accountability partner. This partner should be someone you trust to notify you if he suspects your husband has relapsed.

While every man is accountable to his wife, it is not wise for you to be his accountability partner in this matter. Once your husband is on the road to recovery, and your emotional wounds have begun to heal, you will not want his accountability as much as his intimacy.

Eventually, after your husband has dedicated himself to individual recovery and has established a solid track record of clean accountability, couple’s counseling will help rebuild mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. You may be involved in your husband’s individual counseling, but the purpose for your meeting together will have changed. Your union must be healed.

Step #4 is perhaps the most crucial element of a loving confrontation of sin. It is what turns vengeful condemnation into hopeful redemption. Offering a specific plan for reconciling the breach and for restoring your relationship is quintessentially God-like. That is what He does for us.

Step #5: Follow Through with Dependable Action

Tough love says what it means and means what it says. Tough love consistently follows through with dependable action, which is absolutely essential to success. Tough talk without tough action only compounds the problem. Furthermore, any discrepancy between words and deeds undermines dignity, which your husband must see in order to gain respect for you. Your husband must become convinced that the negative consequences for continued sin are real. He must also know that repentance will be met with your complete support in his recovery and your availability for intimacy as he works to regain your trust.

Put simply, you must follow through on your promises. If you have stated that physical intimacy is no longer possible until pornography is a thing of the past, then your resolve must not weaken. If you have promised to walk with him through recovery, then you steadfastly support him through that difficult process.

Plan for Success

The purpose of this tough-love confrontation is not to coerce or control your husband; it is merely to clarify three important facts. First, he has the power to decide the future of the marriage. Second, you want your marriage to be restored and you remain committed to him. Third, a refusal to turn away from the behavior that is destroying your marriage will lead to greater unhappiness for you both, while repentance will lead to complete restoration.

Because a moment like this holds such potential for either blessing or harm for everyone involved, plan it well. Think through each step with the help of someone you trust, preferably a trained counselor. I would even suggest putting everything in the form of a letter, which you could read to your husband. Then, he will have something to review later when doubts or questions arise. Just be sure to lace your words with love—firm, tender, uncompromising kindness.

If you and your spouse (I’m including men in this question) have struggled with this issue in the past, how did you resolve it? Use discretion, of course, but share your wisdom with others who need direction.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce

Tough-love conversations frequently fail because they either express love at the expense of taking a tough stand against sinful behavior (enabling), or they confront sinful behavior without regard for love (rejection). In Part 1 of this article, I outline the first of three steps to follow when confronting a loved one who is willfully engaging in sinful behavior, specifically, a husband who continues to view pornography. As I stated, the first three steps amount to the “tough” portion of the conversation. First, we name the sin. Second, we clarify the consequences of that sin by establishing healthy boundaries. Third, we call for repentance without begging or sacrificing dignity.

You may have noticed that each successive step requires more maturity than the one before it. Consequently, each step is increasingly rare. To name someone’s sinful activity without demeaning his or her worth requires uncommon wisdom. Very few people see the subtle, yet profound difference between these two statements:

“You are lying.”

“You are a liar.”

One states an objective fact that can be either proven or refuted. The other presumes to judge a person’s character—a right the Lord reserves for Himself alone.

To establish healthy boundaries without seeking vengeance is exceedingly level-headed, and requires even greater maturity. More often than not, we respond to hurtful behavior by seeking to hurt in return, primarily because we hope that the pain of our offender will satisfy our need for empathy. How rare it is when someone says simply, “I can’t stop your destructive behavior, but I can refuse to be in your presence while you sin and I can limit my exposure to the negative consequences of your choices.”

To call for repentance while resisting the urge to coerce, control, or beg is even rarer still. So, steps #4 and #5 will probably come as a complete surprise to the husband solidly entrenched in his affair with pornography.

Again, each step requires forethought and planning, and all five should be presented at once in a compassionate conversation.

Step 4: Offer a plan for reconciliation and, ultimately, complete restoration.

Work with a counselor to form a specific plan for reconciliation and the rebuilding of trust. You have undoubtedly heard the words, “I’m sorry, I promise I’ll change,” enough times to recognize them as meaningless. (My friend and colleague, Dr. Bryce Klabunde, has written an outstanding article explaining how to recognize genuine repentance, titled “I’ll Change, I Primise” Six Signs of Genuine Repentance.”) Good intentions are not enough—for either of you. He likely feels powerless to stop his behavior and you have no reason to trust that he will guard his mind for you. Neither his self-control nor your trust will be restored overnight. It’s a gradual process and it must be intentional.

This restoration process must include three essential components: individual treatment, ongoing accountability, and couple’s counseling. Depending upon the severity of your husband’s activity, individual treatment may include in-patient treatment at a special facility, intensive workshops with trained professionals, individual counseling, assigned reading, or a combination. (The article, “Confronting Sexual Impurity Intelligently” will help you assess the severity of your husband’s problem and suggests several resources to help you addressing them.)

Ongoing accountability is essential for any man who has intentionally viewed pornography . . . and a generally good idea for all men. An accountability relationship with a male mentor, such as a pastor, counselor, elder, father, or authority figure is ideal. A small accountability group of men can be helpful, as long as the other men do not struggle with this issue. The role of an accountability partner is to look your husband in the eye on a regular basis and ask tough questions.

Accountability must also include the installation of accountability and/or filtering software, such as Covenant Eyes. The primary purpose is to make accidental exposure to pornography less likely and to add the much-needed element of consequences to the recovery process. Your husband simply installs this software on any computer he uses, and it sends regular reports of his Internet activity to an accountability partner. This partner should be someone you trust to notify you if he suspects your husband has relapsed.

While every man is accountable to his wife, it is not wise for you to be his accountability partner in this matter. Once your husband is on the road to recovery, and your emotional wounds have begun to heal, you will not want his accountability as much as his intimacy.

Eventually, after your husband has dedicated himself to individual recovery and has established a solid track record of clean accountability, couple’s counseling will help rebuild mental, emotional, and physical intimacy. You may be involved in your husband’s individual counseling, but the purpose for your meeting together will have changed. Your union must be healed.

Step #4 is perhaps the most crucial element of a loving confrontation of sin. It is what turns vengeful condemnation into hopeful redemption. Offering a specific plan for reconciling the breach and for restoring your relationship is quintessentially God-like. That is what He does for us.

Step #5: Follow Through with Dependable Action

Tough love says what it means and means what it says. Tough love consistently follows through with dependable action, which is absolutely essential to success. Tough talk without tough action only compounds the problem. Furthermore, any discrepancy between words and deeds undermines dignity, which your husband must see in order to gain respect for you. Your husband must become convinced that the negative consequences for continued sin are real. He must also know that repentance will be met with your complete support in his recovery and your availability for intimacy as he works to regain your trust.

Put simply, you must follow through on your promises. If you have stated that physical intimacy is no longer possible until pornography is a thing of the past, then your resolve must not weaken. If you have promised to walk with him through recovery, then you steadfastly support him through that difficult process.

Plan for Success

The purpose of this tough-love confrontation is not to coerce or control your husband; it is merely to clarify three important facts. First, he has the power to decide the future of the marriage. Second, you want your marriage to be restored and you remain committed to him. Third, a refusal to turn away from the behavior that is destroying your marriage will lead to greater unhappiness for you both, while repentance will lead to complete restoration.

Because a moment like this holds such potential for either blessing or harm for everyone involved, plan it well. Think through each step with the help of someone you trust, preferably a trained counselor. I would even suggest putting everything in the form of a letter, which you could read to your husband. Then, he will have something to review later when doubts or questions arise. Just be sure to lace your words with love—firm, tender, uncompromising kindness.

If you and your spouse (I’m including men in this question) have struggled with this issue in the past, how did you resolve it? Use discretion, of course, but share your wisdom with others who need direction.

Written by Mark Gaither, author of Redemptive Divorce