Archive for the ‘Miscellany’ Category

Eros is not only a word in Greek used to describe romantic love. In Greek mythology, Eros was the god of love and son of the goddess Aphrodite. He is synonymous with the Roman god Cupid, often depicted as a naked, winged boy with bow and arrow.

Most of us have seen cartoons of such a character firing his arrow into an unwitting guy who is suddenly struck with an insatiable compulsion to seek out the object of love’s spell. The lovestruck suitor loses all self control and is at the mercy of base, animal instincts. It would seem to me that such legend exists because of the incredible strength of sexual desire.

I have to admit, there have been times when the draw to consume pornography or reach sexual release was so great it seemed as if I were on autopilot; practically unable to resist the temptation. Most who find themselves in the pitiable state of addiction to porn or sex will attest to similar loss of self control. It would seem as if something has pierced the heart, driving the compulsion. However, rather than an arrow flung from the bow of some chubby baby, I submit that the piercing results from moral boundaries crossed repeatedly. Decades of choosing to indulge my lust brought me to the place of virtual powerlessness over it. It was no single arrow, but thousands of tiny slices at my heart. The Assassin of Character Creep had done its work well, and I was the assassin.

It is important to redeem the word love, in particular the type of love known as eros. What I have been describing is not love at all. It is lust and nothing more. Eros is not lust, but a God-given desire meant to passionately bind husband and wife together. Eros is like fire: inside of proper boundaries it is beautiful and adds warmth to those huddled around it. Outside of safe boundaries, it is a wild force that destroys everything it comes in contact with.

Studying “The Four Loves” has helped me draw a clearer distinction between eros and lust. One is a God-given love. The other is a selfish impulse better defined as unlove. Which do you think best fits pop culture’s portrayal of romance?

The third of the loves C. S. Lewis discusses in his book, “The Four Loves“, is Eros. He describes it simply as, “the love between the sexes.” We may recognize it as the root of the word erotic. However, eros is more than mere eroticism.

Eros is the passionate feeling a man or woman feels towards the opposite sex when falling in love with them. It may be described as a feeling of infatuation. Many phrases do eros justice when describing the experience of falling in love, love-struck or being smitten. Eros is exciting, spontaneous, and occurs in ways that captivate the focus of the lover onto his beloved.

It is would be easy to dismiss eros as inherently evil and lustful. This is a mischaracterization of eros, which we must remember is a creation of God. It draws lovers together in a powerful way which culminates in the most intimate of physical acts: the union of sex. The danger with eros is presented when elevated beyond its proper place and expectations are placed upon it which it cannot deliver.

It is clear in our modern society that eros has been both elevated and debased at the same time. It has been elevated as the most important of the loves, which leave us devoid of love because eros is the most fleeting of loves. It has also been debased as little if nothing more than sex. Lewis describes this misplaced attention on love as expecting from a dive what should rather be expected of swimming. Once the rush of the dive has passed, the lover realizes immediately the rush is gone, swimming requires work and conclude they must have dove into the wrong pond!

Eros is mysterious and difficult to define. Even C. S. Lewis had a difficult time describing it. However, any insight we can gain from studying the topic helps us to discern its proper place and apply wisdom to this intense yet most fickle of the loves.

As I studied philia I realized how little of it I have had in my life. My wife and I are definitely close friends and I would say our love has an element of philia as well as storge and eros. We have the common interest of marriage, household and our children. It is other guy friends that seem to be in short supply. They seem to come and go; ebb and flow.

Surveying my past, relationships that I would describe as friendship have centered around many different interests…

• School friends: These are friends I played with and had sleep-overs with as a boy. In the normal fashion, our interests were toys and play. We were young, innocent and rightfully did not share deep matters of the heart.
• Drug friends: In my teens and early twenties I had friends who shared my interest at the time in getting high. After coming to Christ and leaving drugs behind, I discovered that friends of this sort were not really friends at all. These were self-serving relationships; using each other when we had drugs. After I moved on, nearly all of these relationships fell by the wayside.
• Work friends: I have had coworkers that I have considered friends. However, outside of work we didn’t share our lives. Our common interests center upon our common jobs and no further.
• Church friends: Fellow Christians have a deeper common interest: the Lord. I have shared deeply of myself with other Christians; deeper than with my parents or sister growing up to be sure. Unfortunately at times, these relationships seem to not extend to the true heart and center around spiritual matters. While sharing spiritual interests is wonderful, there are other facets of our lives that sometimes seem unimportant to church friends.
• Recovery friends: Other men in recovery from porn/sex addiction have shared bared their souls to me over the years and mine with them. These have been in many ways the deepest relationships I have experienced. Recovery requires that I invite others into the dark places that I would rather keep secret. This kind of vunlerability creates a bond, particularly when the sharing is mutual.

In nearly all of the frienships in these different categories there is a phenomenon I have never been able to figure out. Many, if not most of these friendships do not seem to be reciprocal. It becomes wearying when I perceive if I were to stop initiating contact with a friend I would never hear from them again.

Regardless of how deep the fellowship has been, lack of reciprocation brings doubt regarding the depth of the friendship. Even worse, this occurrence can trigger feelings of shame; that something is wrong with me and that is why my phone never rings.

Lewis likens losing a friend characterized by philia as losing a limb; it is something that always leaves an obvious void. This description more than anything brings the depth of many of my friendships into question. How many of them would I describe in this way? What practical ways can I develop my frienships and experience the uncommon love that is philia?

This kind of love bothers me because I know it exists and I experience very little of it…

The second type of love that C.S. Lewis discusses in his book, The Four Loves, is philia, commonly defined as friendship. Those of us in the U.S. probably recognize phiia as the root of the city name Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

Lewis believes that philia is the least common and least natural of all the four loves. He goes on to say that there are many who go through life and never experience philia in its true form. Eros is common; otherwise none of us would be born. Storge is also common; otherwise none of us would be reared. Philia, on the other hand, is not an automatic experience that is common to human experience.

The rarity and general misunderstanding of deep friendship philia describes is evidenced by the fact that in the observation of it many would mistake it as homosexual. The portrayal of David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel has been interpreted by some as homosexual in nature. The sadness of this judgment cannot be overstated. It contributes to the lack of deep relationships between same-gender friends by adding element of fear. As we are taught in scripture, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because
fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect
in love.” (1 John 4:18)

Philia is characterized by shared interests that bring two or more together. It is deeper than mere camaraderie, or good fellowship, which is almost coincidental. Rather, it is two or more who gather with common interests, but share them on a visceral level. They miss each other in true ways and look forward to spending time together. It is difficult to even describe this kind of love without it coming off as tawdry in nature.

Deep friendship differs from sexual, eros, love in this way: eros is characterized by a man and a woman face-to-face; eyes on each other. Philia is characterized primarily by a man and a man, or woman and a woman, standing shoulder-to-shoulder; eyes on their common interests. Eros is naked bodies. Philia is naked personalities.

One surprising factor about this kind of love is that it is not necessarily for good. Lewis believes that the cause around which deep friends form may be for good or for evil. They embolden each other in moving toward their common goals. Those goals may be commendable, or despicable. The phenomenon of philia is that the judgments of those outside the circle of friends are generally ignored within the circle. For this reason, Lewis described philia friendship is a resistance movement. Lewis went so far as to call philia the most spiritual of the loves, the corruption of which is also the most spiritual corruption.

It is quite easy to see that the lack of understanding and moreso experience of philia may contribute to all sorts of deficiencies of the heart, for which we may strive to fill illegitimately. The general audience of this blog have turned to sex to fill those voids.

Having defined storge love as familial affection in the previous post, I have been thinking about how this kind of love, or the lack of it, has played out in my own experience.

I did not grow up in an affectionate family. Storge was not commonplace as expressed in parental hugs, kisses and the like. Like any boy, I craved the attention, but it was ever absent.

When I was very young, about eight years old, I was exposed to pornography; not as an accidental discovery, but rather intentionally by my father who decided a Playboy centerfold was a great way to teach me about the birds and the bees. I was immediately captivated. He always had porn magazines on the bookshelf easily accessible.

What I was looking at appeared to be love. Two people, be it a man and a woman or in many of these mens’ magazines a woman and a woman, were showing what to me seemed to be affection and love. Without any guidance on these matters, it was cemented in my young heart that sex and love were synonymous. Furthermore, affection of any sort from a woman became sexually charged.

Since getting married my wife has many times expressed her feelings of pressure; that any expressions of affection must lead to sex. I have to confess the arousal that I often feel. I am growing in this area. Through this study of love I am learning that there are different kinds of love.

Only agape, which is for another writing, is love of a type that cannot be corrupted by the flesh. For me, storge love, defined as affection, has been hijacked by the loss of innocence in my formative years. Now I as a man am standing up to reclaim it and show affection in the way God intended it to be: a display of my love with no ulterior motives, only to communicate my familiar affection to my wife, family and friends!

The first of the four loves that C.S. Lewis discusses in his book is from the Greek word “Storge”. It is best described as affection, particularly in reference to parents and their children. Moving outward from that purest expression you would find non-sexual affection between spouses, other family members, friends and even strangers to whom we have affinity. Storge often has the unique quality of being expressed indiscriminately.

One phenomenon regarding each kind of love that Lewis explains is the tendency to both good and depraved expression. Storge love is what most in our society would consider to be deep feelings of affection that are marked by both commitment and familiarity. It is often difficult to determine where and when the feeling originated. To discover it is essentially to acknowledge that it has been there long before and grew as the relationship became more familiar.

However, this familiarity is the kind that can breed contempt. Storge in family relationships is often taken for granted and expected without merit. Out of familiarity, family members may treat one another in ways they would never dream of treating a stranger. If they treated others the way they sometimes treated each other it would be grounds for terminating the relationship. In its worst forms, this can play into members staying in abusive situations far longer than they ought.

Also, the familiarity of storge love can be resistant to change. Jealousy may erupt when the object of affection moves on to another stage of life. Rather than showing approval for one’s achievement which may change the familiar circumstances of the relationship, contempt for that achievement arises.

As the most commonly expressed form of love, storge is an easy companion to the other kinds:.

• Storge and Eros (love between the sexes): lovers may kiss and show affection, but it is not always sexual in nature. There are often varying degrees between storge and eros in marital relationships; a friendly kiss goodbye or a deeply intimate kiss and various degrees in between. Eros is typically fleeting. Storge, on the other hand, is more of a constant affection within the relationship. As Lewis puts it, “Storge makes a nest for Eros.”
• Storge and Philia (the bond of friendship): the bond between friends lends itself to shows of affection. A hug, handshake, pat on the back or high-five are all expressions of storge love between friends. These expressions deepen the friendship and bring more familiarity to it.
• Storge and Agape (unconditional love of God): Unconditional love may easily express itself in shows of affection. The most striking of these expressions are toward those that others may deem to be unlovable. Picture Mother Theresa cradling a leper as an extreme example.

Today I purchased “The Four Loves” by C.S.  Lewis on audiobook from Audible.com.

This is the publisher’s summary of the book:

In this remarkable recording, C.S. Lewis shows why millions of readers have acclaimed him the greatest spokesman for Christianity in the twentieth century. In a resonant, baritone voice, Lewis explores the nature of the four Greek words that are translated love in English: “storge” (affection), “philia” (friendship), “eros” (sexual or romantic love) and “agape” (selfless love).

But instead of giving us a dry, theological treatise, Lewis makes the subject extremely personal and practical by showing us how easily natural loves can go wrong and pollute our relationships. He shows that what we often tend to excuse as natural behavior is really selfish and destructive.

Lewis exposes these pitfalls in our loves in order to lead us to the solution, Godlike agape love that God has for men and women and the kind we must develop and nurture in our relationships.

As in his writing, Lewis doesnÂ’t merely tell, he shows these loves in action with vivid and often humorous illustrations. The images are so realistically drawn and so alive you are sure to recognize someone you know or live with, or maybe even yourself.

This is a very relevant topic for those of us who struggle with lust, which is a counterfeit for the deep love we crave. Understanding real love should help me recognize the counterfeit more readily!

I look forward to listening to it and plan on writing a blog for each of the four types of love, so be sure to check back over the next week or so.

Before the explosion of the internet there were natural barriers to acquiring pornography. Book stores had a special sections on the top shelf of the magazine rack where magazines wrapped in plastic were displayed. The really hard stuff could only be purchased from adult book stores or through mail order. By contrast, the internet allows anyone of any age to access hardcore pornography with just a mouse-click. In the view of many, this is basically like taking those top-shelf porn magazines and putting them unwrapped on the bottom shelf of the children’s section.

The question of regulating pornography is not an easy one. In the United States, there are Constitutional rights to free speech and freedom of expression. Most agree that these protections extend to adult material. It is a slippery slope to begin suppressing First Amendment rights, regardless of personal distaste.

One of the more interesting proposals to solve the problem of adult content on the internet is from a group known as The CP80 Foundation. This group proposes a simple technical solution.

Internet traffic is transmitted through computer channels known as “ports.” You can think of these ports as channels on your television. The default port for web traffic is port 80. CP80 proposes that the international regulatory body for internet domain addresses, known as ICANN, segment traffic on port 80 to be community-safe content only. Adult content would be channelled into another computer port, termed the “open port.”

Presently, the best way to block adult content is by using a web filter. However, filters are far from perfect and often inconvenience users. While a little inconvenience isn’t terrible in my opinion, filters definitely are not a perfect solution. With the CP80 solution filters become obsolete. All that would be necessary to block adult content is to shut off access to the “open port” and allow access to the “community port” (port 80). It would be as easy as blocking a certain channel is with your cable television.

I’m not sure if this idea will ever come to fruition, but it is one of the more interesting and simple solutions I have seen.

You can learn more by visiting The CP80 Foundation’s website.

What do you think a woman’s virginity is worth?

Is a woman’s virginity worth $3.8 million? That’s how much a 22-year-old from San Diego, California, said she has been offered through an auction she announced in September.

The woman, who goes by “Natalie Dylan,” set up a private auction through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada. The auction has given her lots of “business opportunities,” she said.

What saddens me the most is a statement that the girl made to The London Telegraph.

She added: “It’s shocking that men will pay so much for someone’s virginity, which isn’t even prized so highly anymore.”

Why is it that virginity isn’t important to anyone? Even in Christian circles, it is so misunderstood and for that reason not highly regarded. Virginity is a gift to be given to your spouse. But there is so much more than that. Sex is a bonding agent.

When someone experiences sexual release (orgasm), their brain is washed with chemicals that burn the experience deep into their subconscious mind. This phenomenon is intended by God to deeply bond a husband and wife to one another through sexual intimacy. That is why virginity is so important.

Imagine for just one moment if the attraction that you feel toward others you have shared orgasm with, be it porn or real sexual partners, were all focused on your husband or wife. Rather than your sexuality being tied up with various people, pictures and pixels, it was shared only in the deep, intimate bonds of your marriage. That is incredibly powerful. That is why it should be highly prized!

This is the way God intended it to be…

I heard from a guy on Higher-Calling.com today. He confessed how he was feeling very lonely and had a deep need to be nurtured. These feelings were causing him to feel compulsive in the areas where he is week; specifically to act out sexually. I was humbled by his vulnerable confession and felt honored to receive it. As an aside, I was proud of the man for being in touch with his emotions and owning them. That takes guts guys!

My thoughts gravitated toward my own need to be nurtured. It is a need that I honestly don’t understand very well, but I know it is there. We all have it somewhere.

Occasionally, I will hear a worship song performed by a female artist that touches a deep place in my heart. I wondered for a very long time why these certain songs could always bring me to tears when I listened intently to them. “Amazing Love (You Are My King)”, “Child of God”, Breathe, the list goes on.

One day, I prayed about it and I believe that God impressed upon me somehow that these beautiful songs, sung by His daughters, were His way of nurturing my soul.

I shared this personal insight with my struggling friend and directed him to one of those songs that hits me just that way. It seemed to touch his heart in a similar way. He emailed me sharing how amazing it felt to him as well…he felt nurtured.

Maybe God is trying to tell us something?

This montage is set to the song that I shared with him, “Child of God.” My favorite version of it is from the 7:22 Live Worship CD which is now out of print. But this version, from the Hungry CD is still very good.

Am I nuts? Okay…don’t answer that! But if you have any insight into this, I’d love to hear from you!

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