Archive for the ‘Purity’ Category

My pastor (sermonshorts.com) tweeted this article. It makes some great points about porn addiction, the abuse of women in the porn industry, and how porn destroys oneness in your marriage.

http://joshdixonline.com/staying-faithful-means-no-porn-brothers

One section that was particularly compelleing to me was this:

…married men, pursuing oneness is an essential key for you and your wife.  Everything we do either moves toward our spouse or away from her.  There is no middle ground.  If you do nothing, you drift.  Oneness has to be a constant pursuit.  So in a fight, if you and your spouse can have oneness as the goal–not compromise, but oneness–instead of just winning the fight or discussion, you are saying your relationship is more important than your argument or position.  And if you can see that everything you do is either actively pursuing her or moving away from her, you can have an internal check for yourself when you see that you’re drifting apart.  My wife and I have made this part of the language we use to talk about our relationship every day.  Frankly, it has saved us through all kinds of suffering that could have easily made us drift.

Journaling through the years has been incredibily beneficial for me. Personally, when I journal it seems to be the way the Lord speaks to me the most clearly about what I am going through – giving me insights into my struggles and my responses as I write things out.

Putting my thoughts on paper rather than letting them just swim around in my brain helps a lot too. I can look at what is on my mind much more objectively when I write it down. That is when the insights I mentioned above often come to light.

Journaling also has helped me to see patterns in thoughts, feelings and behaviors as I have done it over the years. I can remember journaling about similar things in the past and suddenly realize I’ve been around this mountain before. That is a big motivation to dig in more deeply because I despise feeling like I am doing the same things over and over.

Bottom-line, for me journaling is an essential element of of recovery. I don’t do it every day. It is an ebb and flow. I have seasons where I journal a lot and others when I don’t. However, I always come back to it as a primary engine of recovery.

I am realizing more than ever that purity is a lifestyle. It’s not the result of a single decision we make to be sexually pure. Rather, purity is the result of the little decisions I make each and every day.

From an addiction standpoint, the decisions that lead to purity aren’t simply to avoid objects of lust and arenas of temptation. It is more than that. The decision to maintain my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental health are paramount. I have to decide to take care of myself, which is so foreign to someone who has been steeped in the shame of addiction.

Okay, so The Purity Report is primarily about people struggling with sexual sin getting out of the dark and into the light. But it is more than just getting rid of some unwanted behaviors. It is about walking away from the false intimacy of pornography, lust, fantasy and self-gratification into the real world; the messy, risky, beautiful world where real relationships can be formed. It is about leaving our childish ways of coping with stress behind and choosing a better way. It is choosing to grow. It is making a decision once and for all that maybe this ugly fight with sexual sin has a purpose beyond learning to be a good boy or girl.

Maybe, just maybe, God has much more in mind. Could it be possible that this wretched struggle may be the single biggest blessing God has given to you (Rom. 8:28)? I mean, if it’s not a salvation issue, then God must have a reason for not zapping me and taking this away once and for all. What if God wants to teach you how to use your struggle to strip pride away from your soul so that he can shower you with his grace (Jas 4:6). What if he wants to mature you, to develop your character and heal you? What if through the process of healing, by walking with Jesus on the journey, you find yourself able to minister to others from a place of true brokenness and humility rather than a spirit of pride and arrogance (Matt. 5:3; 2 Cor. 1:3-4).

Why not let God use the sacrament of deep confession to pry the dead idols of sex and self out of your hands? Why not soak in the light, marinate in it, let yourself be permeated by it, rather than just sneaking a peek of the glorious light through online forums and vaguely sharing your struggles (1 Jn 1:7-9)? What do you really have to lose? Is this world really worth that much in the light of an eternity with Jesus? Is the approval (or disapproval) of men so important that it would rob you of the blessing of real intimacy with God and others? Do you really think you can get whole through half measures?

Step into the light with both feet! There is safety there. There is divine protection. It isn’t about shouting from the rafters and rooftops that you are a pervert. No, it is simply finding a few people in your life to talk to; to share your heart with. It is about trusting that God has already placed at least one person in your life, probably more, who will stand with you without judgment. These people are full of mercy and grace towards you, just as God is. They are a blessing sent from heaven to take your confession. They are given to you to carry your burden while you carry your load (Gal 6:1-5).

That is what The Purity Report is really all about!

Last night I had a great conversation with Aaron Dailey. He and I were both RA’s together in Bible school. Well, it turns out that Aaron has recently kicked off a new ministry focused on equipping the church and Christian leaders to deal with sexual issues called Pure Path.

Needless to say, I was thrilled to hear about what Aaron and his team are doing. I look forward to seeing them grow and hopefully taking advantage of some of the resources they plan to develop.

There can never be too many in the fight for our character and integrity. In our society, this is never more true than in the area of sexuality. Go check out Pure Path and show them some love!

When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

James 1:13-15

Let’s cut to the chase.

We all sin. We all fall short of God’s high standard of living. We have all lied, stolen, coveted, lusted (which is adultery according to Jesus), dishonored our parents, placed other things before God, and the list goes on. This is the reason that we need Jesus Christ in our lives. We simply cannot fulfill the laws that God laid out in the ten commandments.

But this study is not about sin or the law. This study is about temptation and how we can overcome it.

Let me level the playing field by pointing out “each one is tempted.” The King James Version reads “every man is tempted.” No man, woman or child alive is free from temptation. Mother Theresa was tempted to sin in the same way that you and I are. Even Jesus Christ Himself had to endure the draw of temptation to sin (see Hebrews 4:15).

So, where does temptation come from?

James immediately dispels any notion that God tempts us to sin. According to James 1:14 we are all tempted by the enticement of our own evil desires. Temptation does not come from without but from within. The lure of pornography or illicit sex does not come from pictures, pixels or prostitutes. The issue is the fallen flesh in which we live.

There is no question that Satan also tempts us. He is called “the tempter” and indeed tempted Christ. For the purpose of this study, I am focusing on the temptation that comes from within our flesh. But for the record, when Satan tempts us, he uses the evil desires that are in our flesh as a vehicle. He merely dangles the bait.

Speaking of bait! The Greek words used to describe being “dragged away and enticed” by our lusts are also used to describe a fisherman reeling in a fish hooked onto his line. This is a very appropriate picture. Imagine if you will a fish swimming in a lake. He comes across a tasty looking morsel floating by. But, he cannot see well enough to notice the hook embedded in the worm or the line leading to his ultimate demise. The fish is hungry and bites into the bait. The hook is set and the fish is hopelessly ensnared.

Now, the issue with this poor fish is not the bait that was waiting for him to come along. Many have said, “If we could ban all pornography and if women would dress appropriately then I wouldn’t be so tempted!” The fallacy of this kind of thinking cannot be overstated. The problem this fish had was that he was hungry! Because the fish was hungry the bait was completely irresistible. It was only a matter of time before this creature was hooked and dragged away. Of course, our temptation is not to eat a worm on a hook. Ours is much more subtle and deceptive. But, the problem we have is the same as that fish. Our flesh is hungry for sin. Our flesh knows nothing but sin and desires nothing but sin. Paul put it this way, “…nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature [flesh]. (Rom.7:18)”

Are you beginning to realize that the main issue with our temptation is our desire for sin? Thanks to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, sin has been taken care of. When we accept Jesus Christ into our lives and surrender to Him, the problem is no longer sin itself. The problem with temptation is our evil desires.

So what do we do about temptation? We cut to the root which are our evil desires! “First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.” (Matt. 23:26)

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

God makes a very strong and comforting promise to use in the preceding verse. The temptation we endure is not unique to us. Others have experienced the same and have overcome them successfully. Furthermore, God in His faithfulness will only allow temptation to come upon us that we are able to conquer through Him. This means one of two things (or both):

1. God will now allow temptation greater than we can bear to come upon us.

2. God will strengthen us so that the temptation we are experiencing will not overtake us.

The most meaningful part of this verse for me is the last part: “…He will also provide a way out…”

Many times in the past I have tried different techniques to overcome temptation, and in particular sexual temptation. I have tried to pray more, read more scripture, be more accountable to other Christians, focus on Christian service, and the list goes on. I succeeded only in frustrating myself, burning myself out and becoming embittered toward the Christian life. I seemingly had no more power over my impulses after all of that activity than when I had begun. Worse, my anger and frustration was contributing to my addiction even more.

I have since come to discovery that the “way out” is not an activity, discipline or technique. He is a person!

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

John 14:6

Jesus Christ Himself is the way out of temptation. I will explain a few concepts first and then delve into practical application.

Paul wrote that God would “provide a way out” and Jesus declared that “I am the way.” Putting these verses together gave me the answer that I was looking for! But, there was one issue that I had to clear up first – acceptance.

Because of the nature of my sin (sexual addiction) I felt very ashamed and unacceptable to myself and to God. I felt unworthy of His help and His mercy. I knew that I had been forgiven because of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, but I could not approach Him with any confidence because of my shame. Through learning about the grace of God as explained by Steve McVey in his book “Grace Walk” I came to realize that not only does Jesus’ sacrifice offer me forgiveness of my sin, but UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE INTO HIS PRESENCE! You will find that acceptance is a continual theme in my writing because it is foundational to everything I have experienced on the road to recovery.

McVey uses a simple question to help us come to grips with our acceptability with God. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, how acceptable to you feel to God right now? I have asked this question to dozens of people since first reading the book and I have very rarely heard anyone reply that they felt like they were a 10. Many of these people I respect deeply and would regard as very strong Christians. Yet the pattern remained that they did not feel 100% acceptable to the Father.

What this boils down to is that we do not feel like “10′s” because we are relying on some measure of self-effort to make ourselves “acceptable” to God. Only if we prayed more, read more scripture, gave more, served more, were not angry, were sexually pure, etc. This mindset has kept us from experiencing the love of God through Jesus Christ long enough! It is time to stop…right now!

YOU ARE A 10!

Now, you might be thinking, “Is he saying that I shouldn’t read more scripture, give, serve, pray or stay sexually pure?” No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying that if we engage in those activities to somehow feel more acceptable to the Lord then we have already missed the point.

There is nothing that we can do to make ourselves more acceptable to the Lord. Nor is there anything that we can do that would make us less acceptable to Him! Jesus Christ paid the full penalty for our sin and we died with Him at the cross. We are new creations that are perfect in His sight. When a believer gives into temptation and sits in front of a computer using pornography it certainly hurts the heart of God. But, He looks down upon us and accepts us unconditionally, even in the midst of our darkest moments!

If you struggle with this concept, I highly recommend getting a copy of “Grace Walk” and reading it thoroughly. A link is available under the Resources section of the website. But, I must move on to the purpose of this study which is temptation!

Now that we have established that Jesus accepts us (we are 10′s) even in our darkest moments, we can turn to Him in those moments and fellowship with Him.

Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

Hebrews 2:18

Jesus Christ knows that we are tempted and He wants to help us through it. He understands because, as we discovered previously, He has also endured temptation. The way out of temptation is not to focus on anything else but Him. When we learn to fellowship with Jesus Christ in the midst of our temptation He strengthens us and turns our desires away from the object of our lust. The more we learn to turn to Him for help in the middle of temptation the more we become surrendered to His work within us. We are able to hear His voice in the midst of what formerly was a source of shame and despair.

I have found that my evil desires and temptation that comes through them no longer drag me away from the Lord. Now temptation actually drives me to Him! I am tempted dozens of times a day to do all sorts of unseemly things. I have found through this principle that I am in fellowship with Jesus much more often and have experience the peace that comes through resting in Him and allowing Him to handle the temptation for me. When I realize that a woman is in my presence that my eyes are drawn to, I begin to talk to Christ in my mind (and sometimes aloud). His peace and strength begin to flow through my thoughts and I feel His love and acceptance in that moment. Then my desires to look at that women are strongly overridden by the love and acceptance that Jesus offers to me. Jesus is doing His amazing work of changing my desires. I have seen my sinful desires, and in particular pornography, masturbation and objectifying women, wane significantly since I let Christ into my temptation.

Below is a summary of this study:

• Every human being endures temptation (James 1:13)
• We are tempted because of the evil desires in our flesh (James 1:14)
• Jesus accepts us unconditionally, even in the midst of our temptation (You are a 10!)
• God has promised us a way out of our temptation (1 Cor. 10:13)
• The way out of temptation is not a technique, but a Person – Jesus Christ (John 14:6)
• By turning to Jesus Christ in the moments when we are tempted, our temptations no longer drag us away from Christ but drive us to Him. (Heb. 2:18)
• As we let Jesus into our temptations He changes our desires from the inside.

(originally posted on higher-calling.com)

The XXXChurch.com Couples Blog has a great post about how porn use affects the whole family, and in particular children.

A Child’s Observation

Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.

“A friend was hurt and angry when his 16-year-old daughter left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands on.  While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about her sexual popularity.  Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home.  You see, for most of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit’s head) on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove her.  By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his daughter what was important. Sure, there were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment of years of programming.”

Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.

Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.

Marriage by Example

Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.

Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.

We also never really showed true affection to each other in front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that in front of your children. It is ok to show your children that you love each other through public affection.

“Your Dirty Little Secret”

The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.

I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that they find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.

I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email with advertisements for porn. Not only is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.

Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?

My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.

Family Time

The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.

This was originally posted at the blog for InternetSafety.com, a leading producer of online safety software.

Robi Sonderegger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist who is increasing awareness all over the globe about the psychological harm inflicted by pornography.

We asked Dr. Robi, who has a strong background in developmental psychology, how early exposure to pornography can affect a child’s mental development, and what role it can play in determining their sexual inclinations later in life. The answer might shock you.

Part of me misses porn and masturbating sometimes. I have to remind myself that my heart is good (because that’s where Jesus lives) and I don’t have to do those things. The true me, the new me, doesn’t really want them. The thing is, I’m not perfect, so I waver and struggle with temptation at times.

I know my heart and I know that Jesus lives there…and it is good because Jesus says so. When the lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes and the pride of life scream to me that I am a dirty rotten sinner, I have to remind myself firmly that Jesus lives in my heart and it is good. He has taken my heart of stone and given me a heart of flesh. I just haven’t been completely transformed by the renewing of my mind yet.

This is no excuse to indulge the flesh. But it is the only effective inoculation I have found against the shame and despair that the flesh can throw my way. I have to get honest with myself and others about my temptations. Admitting a part of me misses it…that’s the truth sometimes. Getting it out in the open seems so risky, but is so necessary.

I don’t want to click post on this blog, but here goes…

By Jonathan Daugherty

I’m going to do something an author really isn’t supposed to do when titling an article with a question. I’m going to give you the answer right up front (and keep my fingers crossed that you will still read the rest of the article).

Is purity for everyone?

No.

I have been working in full-time sexual purity ministry since 2003. In that amount of time I have heard the stories of thousands of individuals struggling with sexually addictive thoughts and behaviors. There are an unbelievable number of people carrying terrible shame and secrets of trauma and abuse that is truly unfathomable. Many shed tears. Some have memory loss and debilitating emotional problems. All have felt afraid, angry, lost, alone, weary, frustrated, hopeless and myriad other emotions. We offer help to all these people, yet only a few ever embrace a new life of purity.

There are many reasons (mostly excuses) why so many people carrying so much pain never find lasting freedom and peace from their addictive lifestyle. The most common reason is because they remain fixated on their circumstance, convincing themselves that in order for them to live a life of purity, their situation must change. Maybe their spouse is threatening a divorce or a boss is dangling a pink slip in front of their nose. Whatever the case, those who don’t ultimately experience long-lasting freedom have found a reason (however fickle and false) to return to the dungeon of lust and self-centeredness. (keep in mind, this is a generality based on thousands of cases; there are always exceptions…)

But are these the reasons why I say “no” to the question, “Is purity for everyone?” Not really. The reasons above (namely, believing circumstantial change, rather than personal change, will bring about a life of purity) are only one side of the coin of why purity isn’t for everyone. The other side, I believe, is a much more basic, spiritual reason of why purity isn’t for everyone. Purity is only possible for those in right relationship with God.

Recovery programs that only focus on correcting and managing behaviors are not understanding the true essence of purity. True purity is a condition of the heart, the inside of a person, not merely how a person chooses to use their body. To deny the reality of a spiritual need in sexual addiction recovery is to miss the point entirely. A person is pure when they are pure all the way through. How then does one achieve this sort of purity? Only from God.

God uses a particular word to describe his own attribute of purity: holiness. God is holy, perfect and pure in every aspect of his being. God created mankind in his image, breathing into Adam something of the essence of himself. Therefore, Adam and Eve were holy; pure and perfect in their original design. Then (you know the story) sin entered the world through their disobedience, and spiritually Adam and Eve (and the rest of humanity to follow) were stained, broken, impure. Man’s pride marred God’s holy creation.

Thankfully, God didn’t abandon his creation. He made a way for humanity to be restored, to be made new in spirit. He sent Jesus Christ to pay the penalty we deserved for our pride and sinfulness, thus erasing our debt and exchanging it for his life in us. And the only requirement of us to receive this indescribable gift is faith, simply trusting in Jesus. In that moment of faith, God restores our spirit to his original design for us. He breathes life anew into our darkened spirit and the holiness of God pours in. In this new state, we are now able to understand and even partake in a whole new life of purity, true purity that is based on God’s character and holiness, not our own.

So, do behavior modification techniques have any value in sexual addiction recovery? Of course they do. We each have a will, even if we have no relationship with God. But no person can experience the fullness of true purity apart from a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. And, ironically, even those of us who do have a relationship with God still have a choice: fully trust God and embrace his life-transforming grace or trust in our own intellect and effort to attempt to do what only God can do through us.

Purity, therefore, is only for those who 1) Know God through faith in Jesus and 2) Lay down their pride and let God have his way in revealing His holiness (i.e. purity) through them.

Final question: Is a life of purity for you?

Reproduced with permission from Be Broken Ministries. © 2006-2009 Be Broken Ministries and its licensors. All rights reserved.