Archive for the ‘Purity’ Category

The folks at XXXChurch.com have a good post about confession on their couples blog today. I am reposting it here.

After being in recovery for a while, you realize that addiction of any sort, porn/sexual addiction included, is an attempt to meet legitimate needs through illegitimate means. The way we define sexual addiction on the Higher-Calling.com FAQ further explains this perspective.

With that in mind, I have come to believe that temptation to engage in acting out behavior is like the check engine light on the dashboard of my car. The pull toward pornography is an indicator that I need to check under the hood.

In recovery terms, this is known as identifying your triggers. The acronym HALT is a well-known list of common triggers (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). This article further explains HALT.

It is very helpful to identify triggers in two categories: visual/physical or emotional. HALT identifies two physical triggers (hungry or tired) and two emotional triggers (angry or lonely). Seeing a person or picture with certain physical attributes or wearing specific clothing can visually trigger arousal.

Emotional triggers are much more difficult to identify. In part this is because addicts are generally not connected to their emotional selves and therefore have a hard time identifying and expressing their emotions. Shame is probably the most powerful triggering emotion for addicts. Often confused with guilt, which is the negative feeling tied to wrong behavior, shame is a much deeper sense that we are fundamentally worthless and unacceptable. Anything that triggers our shame is sure to kick off a strong pull to act out.

Being aroused by certain physical/visual or even emotional stimulus is not abnormal. However, addicts take it a step further and engage in acting out behavior. Acting out repeatedly over time hard-wires our brains to associate arousal of any sort with our acting out behaviors. All arousal, regardless of the trigger, leads us to the same place.

Coming back to our metaphor, these triggers are glaring check engine lights on the dashboard of our consciousness. They indicate places where we may need to grow, establish accountability, forgive ourselves or others, or simply confess past sins in a safe place. The point is to not let the “service required” indicator go unnoticed.

Take a few minutes to reflect on what is going on under the hood the next time you are triggered to act out. It is an essential element of keeping the engine of our sobriety running smoothly.

In the last chapter of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” the author, Stephen Covey, hits upon an incredible principle. It goes like this:

There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response. The key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.

We so often go through our lives on autopilot, not really aware of our own responses to what is going on around us. Then we wake up one day and find ourselves in an undesirable place perhaps not knowing how we got there.

The truth of the principle of stimulus and response means that we are not victims of our circumstances. We have the freedom to choose our responses. The problem is we often forfeit that freedom. Our “proactivity muscles”, which would pay attention through self-awareness to what is going on around us, are flabby and need to be exercised. If we are oblivious to how we respond to what happens to us, we have given up our ability to choose differently.

This is obviously a critical principle in the realm of sexual addiction and recovery. We have trained our minds over time and repetition to respond sexually to a whole range of things, both physical and emotional. The space between stimulus and response becomes razor thin. Rather than choosing a response based upon our values, we experience a Pavlovian response.

Start to pay attention and exercise your self-awareness. You will be amazed at how over time the gap between stimulus and response can grow. It brings new freedom to choose and apply your conscience to situations which previously acted upon you. You can choose differently!

I have recently been reading “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey. In it he talks about living our lives from a principle center rather than any other. One of the principles he alludes to early in the book is that of habit.

We have all heard the maxim, “we are creatures of habit.” That is a true statement. What Covey points out that is very relevant to those of us struggling with sexual integrity issues is that habits can work for you or against you. If you are struggling with habitual sexual sin, then obviously this principle of human behavior is not working in your favor.

We can live out the scripts that we have developed over a lifetime, or we can take responsibility for them and choose to develop new, healthy habits.

If this is intriguing to you, get a copy of the book and get to work using the principle of habit to your advantage!

Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. (Romans 1:24-25)

In essence, when a person habitually uses pornography, they are worshiping a created image instead of God the creator. They are giving their affections, focus, time and intimacy, and to some extent, their bodies to a perverted image of God’s creation. They are worshiping other gods. For purpose’s of this devotion we cannot cover the process of stopping the use of pornography for the habitual user. But for the Christian who has been “dabbling” in this occult activity, run away. Draw strict borders for yourself. Your God is jealous, and will not share your heart, affections, or worship with any other god.

You shall have not other gods before me (Exodus 20:3)

This devotion was written by Shawn Panosian, a friend and Christian Therapist who specializes in Addiction and Sexual Abuse.

A friend on Facebook updated their profile with this statement today.

Righteousness is believing the promises of God, being fully persuaded He’ll keep his word.

I was really taken aback by it. I had to go to Romans 4 and clear up my understanding!

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of
many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring
be.” Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” (Romans 4:18-22)

This really is an amazing thing. I’ll explain more later, but the remainder of this passage is even more amazing…

The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. (Romans 4:23-24)

I’m sorry, did that just say that God will credit me with righteousness for my belief in Jesus Christ and his resurrection from the dead? Why yes, I believe it did!

If someone were to ask you, “What is the definition of righteousness?” How would you answer? Would it be something along the lines of, “Well, it is obeying God and doing what is ‘right’”? Perhaps you would more correctly say that righteousness is “being in a right standing with God.” That is still quite vague. How do you attain this right standing?

True to form, God’s word cuts to the heart of the issue. Righteousness is a result of our belief; our faith in Jesus Christ. Nothing more, nothing less.

It is living from this center that we can really see the change we so crave, including sexual purity. If our definition of righteousness is skewed, we can be certain that we will live out a works-centered religion that will not result in the changes we desire.

Here are a couple of other helpful verses that come to mind.

Colossians 2:20-23
Hebrews 6:1-3

Brian and Darcy on the Couple’s Blog at XXXChurch.com just posted a bit of their story. It is really worth the read; both as a wife or a man struggling with porn addiction.

Thank you Brian and Darcy for being so open about what God has brought you through. Your courage is inspiring and your transparency will help a lot of people begin opening up about their own struggles.

2 Samuel 13 recounts the story of Amnon, the son of David. He fell in “love” with his half sister Tamar. Eventually, Amnon cornered Tamar in his house and raped her. He then tried to make it look like it was her fault, not his.

David found out about how Amnon had incestually raped his sister, but did nothing to discipline or confront Amnon. The passivity of David enraged his other son Absalom, who was Tamar’s full brother. Eventually, Absalom killed his half brother Amnon in revenge for raping his sister. This began a long chain of events that brought much bloodshed and pain into David’s family and the nation of Israel.

Why is it that David did nothing in response to Amnon’s sin? Some believe that it is because he had committed adultery with Bathsheba (see 2 Samuel 11). The shame of his own sinful behavior took his sense of moral authority away so that he felt unable to render discipline in his son’s situation without being a hypocrite.

Are you a father struggling with sexual sin? If so, you now have a new reason to seek help. You can be practically guaranteed that your children will be exposed to porn and pressured to have sex at some point. You want to have the moral authority to speak to them. Do not fall into the same trap that David did and render yourself impotent in the lives of your children.

If you find yourself in the place where you have a child facing pornography or sexual promiscuity, you don’t have to bow out because of your own struggle. Take the humble road. Admit your own faults to them. Don’t let your shame and sin prevent you from being a factor for good in your child’s life! Let them learn from your mistakes so they might be spared repeating them!

I was listening to Mere Christianity this morning, continuing my C. S. Lewis kick, and was amazed by one of the descriptions of the Christian life. Lewis first explained the difference between being created and begotten. That which is created is different from the creator. A statue created by a man is not like a man. Even if it is fashioned in the likeness of a man, it is not like him in essence. Stone is not flesh. That which is begotten, on the other hand, is like that from which it comes both in essence and likeness. There are some really deep implications of these concepts, but I am going to focus on one in particular.

Jesus is the only begotten of the Father (John 3:16). Lewis describes the entire life of the Christian as the process of being made into Christ’s likeness. Most of us have heard that before. What I had not heard before was another way of saying it: that we are being made from the created into the begotten. This is what it means to become “sons of God” (Gal. 3:26-27)

When we are born again, our human spirit becomes one with Christ. Jesus, by the Holy Spirit, takes up residence within our mortal bodies. In this way, our created human spirit is made into the begotten spirit of Christ and we become sons of God. That is the beginning; the foundation upon which the work of changing us from the created into the begotten begins. The remainder of our humanity remains a created thing that must be changed into a begotten thing. Our soul, the mind, will and emotions, are changed into Christ-likeness through the process of sanctification. Our physical bodies will follow suit at the resurrection of the dead when our mortal bodies will be changed into immortal just like the body Jesus now has was changed following his resurrection from the dead.

I threw out a lot of theology there. But there is a point. There is a lot of talk in Christian recovery circles about the whole notion of self-effort vs. grace. While we all agree that Christian recovery is an extension of the sanctification process, how it progresses is at times hotly debated. I would like to slightly reshape the debate using the concept of changing from a created thing into a begotten thing.

The soul cannot change itself into a begotten thing. The thoughts of the created mind, feelings of the created emotions, nor choices of the created will are of any value in the process at all. If they are to be changed they must be submitted to the only begotten, Jesus himself, so that he can do the work of changing them into his likeness. We cannot change ourselves into that likeness any more than Pinocchio could have made himself into a real boy (borrowing a little myth here). It is God’s effort, not our own, that makes this change possible.

When the whole concept of surrender is brought up in recovery, this is really the back of what is being said. We cannot change ourselves, we have to be changed. To that end, we can only surrender to the One who has the power to change us. Any effort should be expended as a means to surrender. Self-control, for instance, is a result of that surrender.

For brevity’s sake, here are a several relevant scripture references. Most are familiar passages, but take on new meaning in the context of being changed from created to begotten.

John 3:16
John 15:1-8
Romans 8:1-26
Romans 12:1-2
Galations 3:1-3
Galations 5:16-25
Philippians 1:3-6
Titus 2:11-12

While reading the verse of the day as delivered to my Google Reader account,  a familiar verse showed up.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

This verse is often quoted by folks struggling with sin, as it well should be. If we could not find any forgiveness, then we are in big, big trouble! Those of us who are or have been trapped by an addiction to porn know all-to-well the deep hole we have lived in and how much we need God’s help to climb out of it.

What struck me as I read the verse this time is the latter part, “…and purify us from all unrighteousness.” The focus when this verse is quoted is almost universally about forgiveness. But what about being purified from unrighteousness? Isn’t that what we really want? Forgiveness is an amazing thing, but being cleansed of the unrighteousness that brought about the state from which I need to be forgiven is more amazing still! So with this being one of the more familiar verses thrown around in church circles, why aren’t more people experiencing the purification that it promises?

I have worked in sexual integrity ministry for several years now. In both face-to-face and online venues I have been the recipient of many confessions of giving in to the lust of the flesh.

• “I slipped.”
• “I got online.”
• “I masturbated.”
• “I fill-in-the-blank.”

I’ve given confessions of this sort many times myself. I have usually let them leak out reluctantly from a place of shame. My preference would be to keep it silent, let it slide, sweep it under the rug or at the very least minimize it. And as such, these weak little confessions are what I divulge. This, I believe, is the crux of why the purification promised in this scripture is missing.

It seems to me that if anything meaningful is to happen in response to my confession that the confession itself must be meaningful. The easy way out for some is to be overly explicit in describing how they acted out. While this may sound deep to the listener, it can often be an avenue of exhibitionism. Worse still, it may assuage the conscience of the confessor, but not result in any lasting change either. I can describe the mechanics of porn, actions and behaviors without ever really opening my heart up for inspection. And that is what confession is all about.

A quick word-study of the word “confession”, homologeo in Greek, shows it is defined as, “to say the same thing as another.” None of the tiny utterances mentioned above come close to saying the same thing about sexual sin as God does in his word. Taking this view is painful, and extremely necessary if we are to experience the purification from the unrighteousness that got us in this mess in the first place. It is another case of short-term pain for long-term gain!

There is obviously much more to say on this topic, but I will stop here for now.