The Desensitization of Porn and Masturbation – Revisited
Published December 29, 2010 | 
A few months ago we posted the story of a man who had difficulty being aroused by his wife because he had been so desensitized by porn and masturbation. He has graciously given us a continuation of his story.
Last Monday, we had planned to make love. For some reason, I was not responding to the caressing by my wife or anything else we tried during foreplay. It was just not happening. While lying there, I was not greatly angered or frustrated; just disappointed. Again, my wife was supportive and encouraging. Without thinking, I started to discuss with her the contents of what I wrote in the blog without mentioning I had posted it on the Internet, (she would have been OK with this). She fully understood how the affects of chronic porn and masturbation can rewire one’s thinking and desensitization to other forms of sexual stimuli other than porn and masturbation. I mentioned to her that I was trying to focus my attention on her as the only source of sexual stimuli and response and she was encouraged by this. I was just about to say to her that we will try next time, when I felt a sudden peace and urge to try again. I felt God’s presence in the room and I knew then it was His urging and everything would turn out fine! Without saying anything to my wife, I re-started foreplay and found myself getting aroused as I focused my thoughts on her which ended up in us making love. I was pleased, relieved and thankful for God for His peace, urging and enablement.
It just gave me confirmation that I was on the right track and that I have to continue to do eradicate/control/surrender all forms of temptation to Him and concentrate on my wife as my only source of sexual stimuli and satisfaction and therefore keep this in the confines of marital boundaries as God originally intended.
I am not saying it is going to be easy from this point on; it is not, but it has shown me there is hope for me and I don’t have to settle for a lie any more or second rate sexuality, that I can have the sexual and intimate expression of love and relationship God intended and has provided for my wife and I.
Posted in Purity | 
addiction, behavior, intimacy, marriage, masturbation, porn, sex, Spouses | 
2 CommentsProcessing “Slips” in Recovery
Published December 18, 2010 | Don’t Let Your Lust Go Unaccounted For!
A while ago we blogged about identifying the biggest triggers for our lust. The point of that blog post was to encourage us to proactively identify what the main triggers for our lust may be and put guardrails in place to safeguard us from them.
Triggers can be very different from person to person, but generally fall into two categories:
- Physical Triggers (people, places, things)
- Emotional Triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)
One of the most important aspects of recovery from porn/sex addiction is taking the time after a “slip” to process what happened. What were the specific triggers leading up to this particular episode?
Using the categories of physical and emotional triggers, we can gain valuable insight into our addiction after giving in to sin. Looking at it differently, you could say that it is discovering what the enemy used to gain access to our lives in this instance. Furthermore, over time we will see patterns emerging. This information about our addiction is absolutely necessary if we are to find real, lasting freedom from sexual sin.
Here are some questions that may be helpful when looking back and processing a fall. When answering them, don’t think just about the exact time that you acted out, but think about the last week or so leading up to it.
Physical Triggers
- What places did I go to that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including places online)?
- What people did I encounter that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings?
- What things did I come across that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including things online)?
Emotional Triggers
- What specific feelings have I wanted to escape or numb myself to? How long have I had these feelings?
- What has my mood or attitude been like? What has contributed to my mood or attitude?
- What feelings of anger or frustration have I been feeling? What is the cause of that anger or frustration? Who is involved?
- What feelings of resentment am I feeling? Who are those feelings directed toward?
- What stressful circumstances have I been dealing with? How have these contributed to the feelings I listed above?
- What have my predominant thoughts been focused upon? How do these thoughts mesh with the feelings and circumstances I listed above?
- What thoughts have specifically led to fantasy and arousal? How long have I been entertaining these thoughts? What feelings and circumstances have been in play since I have entertained these thoughts?
The next step is to decide what you are going to do with this information. How can you use it to help protect yourself from giving into sin in the future? What do you need to pray for wisdom and strength to guard against? Where do you need to specifically shore up your accountability? What do you need to avoid altogether?
Taking the time to carefully and courageously reflect upon our physical and emotional triggers is a non-negotiable aspect of recovery from addiction. Make a pact with yourself and your accountability network that you will always take the time to complete such an inventory when you give in to your lust. Don’t wait days or weeks to process your slip. Our addictive minds quickly cover up all of this junk when we act out. Take advantage of the time fresh from a fall, when your emotions are still raw and your conscience is screaming, to reflect upon what happened. You will not regret it!
A-Z Reasons to Stop Viewing Porn
Published December 18, 2010 | 26 Destructive Consequences Porn Viewing Has on a Man
The following destructive consequences are the result of a Christian man viewing pornography. The A to Z format covers the wide range of negative results that porn has on a man who is a follower of Jesus.
Alienates You From God. You no longer feel close to God. You don’t experience the power of God. You no longer have the joy of your salvation.
Blinds You To The Consequences. It temporarily turns off your walk with God, your relationships with your wife, your children, and others. It blinds you to what is going to happen to you spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, vocationally, and relationally.
Creates Unrealistic Expectations. Men begin to think this is what every woman should look like and that this is what your relationships with your wife is to be like.
Distorts Your View Of Sex. It makes you believe that sex is solely for the pleasure of a man and that women are simply objects to be used rather than God’s creations to be honored and respected.
Enough Is Never Enough. Pornography has an escalating effect. Like a drug you need more and more to satisfy the lust. It takes you further down a destructive path and further away from peace, joy, and healthy relationships.
Freedom Over What You Think And Do Is Lost. You become enslaved to your sinful thoughts which lead to sinful actions.
Guilt Comes Upon You After You Look At Porn, But The Guilt Is Not Enough To Prevent You From Doing It The Next Time.
Healthy Sexuality Is Numbed Through Porn. Healthy sex is married sex only that includes regular sex, unselfish sex, and loving sex.
Isolates You And Makes You Feel You Are All Alone And Are The Only One Who Struggles With Porn And Lust.
Jeopardizes Your Relationship With Your Wife Or Future Wife (if you are single), Your Witness For Jesus Christ, And Everything In Your Life That Is Important To You. You Put It All On The Line For Pornography.
Keeps You In S Cycle Of Self Destructive Behavior. It may appear to medicate the pain in your life, but it only adds to the pain with more pain. Porn leads you to do things you never thought you would do. Sin will take you further than you want to go. It will keep you longer than you want to stay. And it will cost you more than you want to pay (Unknown Author).
Lust—Sexual Sinful Lust—Leads To Sexual Sinful Actions. Porn put in your mind is like putting fuel on the fire of wrong sexual desire resulting in destructive thoughts and actions.
Masks The Real Wound You Are Seeking To Heal And Makes Things Worse.
Never A Neutral Experience. You cannot look at porn and not be affected by it. That experience is always inconsistent with God’s Word.
Objectifies Women. It makes them a sexual object. Porn hijacks a man’s ability to see an older woman as a mother figure, a same-aged woman as a sister figure, and a younger woman as a daughter figure.
Porn Initially Brings A Very Short-Lived Pleasure, Followed By Pain And More Pain
Quitting Becomes The Struggle Of A Lifetime. Once you allow porn in, there is a raging battle with Satan and your old nature to keep looking. Once you have allowed porn into your life, there will always be a battle. It is a winnable battle, but a daily battle.
Remains Imbedded In Your Mind Forever. Satan uses that image to replay in your mind to create a cycle of sinful lust again and to drive you back to looking at porn. You become bound to an image and a not a person.
Shame Enters Your Life. Guilt is feeling badly for something you have done, shame, however, is based on feeling badly about who you are. Pornography brings shame. God never brings shame. Satan always brings shame.
Trust Is Broken With The People You Love And Respect The Most.
Unlocks The Door To Every Sexual Sin. Porn is a portal, a gateway that leads to nothing good and everything painful such as compulsive masturbation, affairs, dangerous sexual practices, visiting adult-oriented businesses, paying for sex, perverted sexual practices and sexual abuse.
Violates Women. How? You are putting your stamp of approval on an industry that degrades and dehumanizes women.
Wandering Eyes Toward Other Women are Invited .
Xtinguishes Truth. Pornography promotes lying. You lie to others, you lie to God, and you lie to yourself. You lie more to cover up past lies. You become a living lie.
Yokes You To An Image. You become bound and attached to the image instead of your wife or future wife if you are single.
Zips Your Lips To Praising God, Speaking About Your Faith, And Telling Others How They Can Experience God.
Reproduced with permission from XXXChurch.com
Partners for Purity Facelift
Published December 8, 2010 | 
Our site for women, Partners for Purity, has undergone a facelift today!
Partners for Purity has helped literally hundreds of women hurt by pornography, sexual sin or infidelity. This amazing online community of women offers hope, prayer, encouragement and healing.
If you are a woman and have been hurt by someone else’s sexual sin, you do not have to go it alone. Please visit Partners for Purity and get the help you need and deserve. There is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!
Posted in marriage, Purity | family, forgiveness, porn, Purity, relationships, Spouses | Leave a commentWomen and Pornography – The Elephant in the Room
Published December 1, 2010 | 
If you are a woman struggling with pornography, this interview with Dr. Jill Manning is very insightful. The majority of porn consumers are men, but the percentage of women using pornography is growing. Latest statistics show that nearly ONE IN THREE visits to internet pornography websites are women.
In it she discusses some of the latest research regarding pornography, its impact on society and how it impacts women specifically. She also talks about how pornography stunts our ability to experience healthy sexual relationships in our marriages.
If you are a man struggling with pornography, this is also a helpful listen to help understand this is not just a mens’ issue. We need to stand up as men and be who God called us to be, which includes our sexuality.
Sanctified – My Love Notes From God
Published November 17, 2010 | The devotional blog, My Love Notes From God, has a thought-provoking post today. It talks about how our culture today looks very similar to ancient Roman culture in its view towards sex. One quote in particular should not go unnoticed.
And let’s not forget the old, commonplace sin of adultery. Blushing over that sin is definitely a thing of the past. Truth be told, adultery is one of the most insidious of them all. It has decimated families and is the likely culprit that has given rise to much of the aforementioned perversion.
The idea that adultery becoming so commonplace has given rise to so many of the other views we have on sex had not occurred to me before. Looking at a swath of 50 years, it is probably right on the money. Broken families result in broken lives Broken lives result in all sorts of coping mechanisms, escapism and risky behavior, particularly in the area of sexuality. Sex is used as an attempt to be loved an accepted because so many of us missed that growing up. It is very easy to equate intimacy with sex and fall into a trap. Multiply that over decades and millions of lives and it’s not hard to see how we ended up where we are culturally.
Video on Premarital Sex
Published October 25, 2010 | Stats Video from Pure Path.
Our friends at PurePathOnline.com have produced a great video short of statistics related to pre-marital sex. The numbers can be quite shocking.
Protecting Tech-Savvy Kids from Porn
Published October 22, 2010 | 
Focus on the Family did a spot with Dr. Robi Sonderegger on protecting tech-savvy kids from pornography. He gets into some of the following:
- Sexting
- Game consoles
- Physiological reactions to pornography
- The danger of porn for teens specifically (brain development)
- How parents can protect their family
You can listen to the broadcast here.
The Desensitization of Porn and Masturbation
Published October 19, 2010 | A friend of our ministry shared this very transparent testimony with us. We are sharing it with his permission. Masturbation is one of those “gray areas” for a lot of people. But, for many others, it is black-and-white and should be avoided just like pornography. Here’s a quick hint: if you have to justify masturbation to yourself or others, you should seriously consider dispensing with it.
I will explain something I have struggled with for nearly a year. I noticed back then that I was not being stimulated by visual images or by myself and it would take longer and longer for me to get an erection. I also noticed that foreplay between my wife and I was not stimulating either. It got to the stage 2 months ago, where I could not get an erection at all so we could not make love. I was angry and frustrated. My wife was very supportive, encouraging and accepting. It was only a few weeks ago that I discovered what the problem was.
During foreplay this time, after not being able to get an erection, my wife placed her hand on my inner thigh as she was encouraging me with her words and it felt nice, so I asked her to do that again and after a few minutes, I noticed I was getting an erection! So we were able to make love that time. Then I realised what had happened to me. It all made sense. Years of chronic masturbation have desensitized myself to my stimulating myself to the point that it does not work any more. Years of watching porn has done the same, I found myself responding sexually (as in getting an erection) to more and more of different types of porn or sexual positions, sexual activity and these two combined factors were no match to the stimulation in the bedroom between my wife and I. The third factor was that my wife by nature, is not one to show much initiative in foreplay so me having to do most of the work here has gone against me as well.
The next time we got together, she showed much more initiative in using her hand to massage and caress my body and this was more than enough stimulation for me!! She does not mind doing this if it means I get an erection and can then make love. I am so greatly relieved I have found an answer to my dilemma. It does mean though that I have to go cold turkey with masturbation, porn and any other sexual stimulation so that I retrain my brain to respond only to my wife’s touch, foreplay and marital sex only. That is going to take some time but I have to accept that this is the only way to be reprogrammed and back to how God made us in the first place.
I have stumbled to masturbation in the shower at gym however, and I am determined to not let this take me over. I know I can break this temptation and stronghold. I just have to pray before gym, before shower, confess any previous sin, determine to shower only and be in and out as quickly as possible. But I need to focus on God daily not just before the shower at gym. Change my daily discipline.
The 5 Common Types of Sexual Addiction – Part 5
Published September 30, 2010 | Mood swings/Brain imbalancedThe last common area, which I can relate to, is Mood-affective sexual addiction. This type is characterized by a pattern of using sex to placate or control the highs and lows of mood swings. The two most common medical diagnoses related to this pattern are depression and bipolar disorders. The fact is that sex addicts deal with mood issues at a rate of nearly 4 times the general male population 26% for the former, 7 for the latter. Thoughts that often accompany the acting-out range from “This will make me feel better” to “Well, if I just get it over with I’ll be able to go to sleep.” I have dealt with depression and anxiety and have benefited greatly from using a drug called Welbutrin (especially during the winters) to combat Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Before recovery, I would use masturbation to comfort myself when feeling down, depressed or simply lethargic instead of finding someone to talk to, workout or experience adventure. Now, I am living the real and engaged life I always wanted: running, hiking, skiing, and pursuing new adventures regularly instead of using the escape of masturbation and fantasy as a counterfeit source of adventurous fun and exercise to help my brain get the needed endorphins naturally and in a non-habit-forming way.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Keep In Touch