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First, the most common type, Neurological, can be understood as addiction that’s created behaviorally. This happens primarily as a result of masturbation and fantasy and as the brain is conditioned through ejaculation/orgasm to respond to the images, (imagined or actual pornography) that are in the brain at the moment of chemical impact. This impact, a combination of endorphins and enkephalins not only explains why the release feels so good but represents the highest chemical reward the brain can achieve naturally. This is also why the images that we’ve acted out with in the past can seems so vivid even today-they’ve essentially been “burned on our brain” through this reinforcing process. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?
My own experimentation with masturbation started earlier than normal-the average age to start seems to be around 11 to 14-and it became more pronounced and regular for me at about 11 or 12 and eventually becoming a daily habit through my teens and tapering off in my twenties. I know I looked at a lot of porn and remember focusing mainly on the men in the pictures. I think this was because they were less prevalent than women and I was curious about what they were doing and what I might be expected to do myself. The sense of freedom and adventure they seemed to have been also very alluring to me. So I would go back, sometimes daily to my secret stash and fixate on these pictures, and regularly sealing the images in my brain through masturbation.
This habit continued for me even after being saved at age 21-primarily because no one ever told me how harmful it could be-even though I always somehow (thank you Holy Spirit) felt guilty about it and would try to stop but only with mixed results. Even though the porn and acting-out with others stopped, I still had the images in my fantasy world and this kept me attached.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
The guys over at XXXChurch have posted a short video of a guy, Brandt Russo, who has a unique ministry to the homeless. Brandt openly shares about how his struggle with porn addiction affected his ministry. View the video here…
We are beginning a new blog series sharing the story of Jayson Graves, a great friend to our ministry. Jayson will be sharing the 5 Common Types of Sexual Addiction. We will devote a blog post to each type and how Jayson relates it to his own story.
Early Beginnings
I remember the first boy I ever had a “crush” on: his name was Robby and we were both 12 to 13. I just remember noticing him in a different way and wanting to be close to him. I wouldn’t call it necessarily a sexual thing although I’m sure he may have showed up that way in dreams. Rather, the feelings I had towards him were more about wanting what he had: he always seemed to be very positive and confident and was one of the popular kids yet showed kindness to the likes of “nerdy little me.”
Looking back at that today as a counselor who specializes in helping men with sexual addictions and unwanted same-gender attractions, I can see that it was part of the beginnings of the distress I would feel about these feeling over the next 2 decades. The beginnings had roots in more than just feelings, however-they were the result of many factors-understanding these and seeking the road map to God’s grace has been the key to overcoming.
Understanding the Roots
I have come to understand my sexual confusion/disorientation as a form of sexual addiction. From what I have learned treating sex addicts of all sorts for the past 3 years, there are essentially 5 common types of sexual addiction: Neurological, Psychological, Trauma-induced, Intimacy-aversive, and Mood-affective. I will explain these, using my own story to hopefully give you a good grasp at understanding your own and that of those who struggle similarly.
Stay tuned – more to come…
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
We hear all the time in our ministry from men and women who are just beginning their journey of recovery from sexual addiction. Recovery in the early days can be very frustrating and discouraging. This is a recent response to a newcomer to recovery on The Purity Report forums.
I know exactly where you are – I have been there a thousand times. In the beginning of recovery it required a lot of help and stringent boundaries for me to get those first days, weeks and eventually months of purity under my belt.
There were a few elements that were absolutely essential. I know I would not have been able to break free without them.
- A good Christian counselor. I was in counseling dealing specifically with my sexual addiction and the issues surrounding it for close to two years. It was really expensive, but some of the best money I ever spent.
- A Christ-centered mens group where I could get accountable and develop recovery relationships.
- Reading good books about recovery from sexual addiction to learn about it and heal.
Don’t give up! I won’t lie to you and tell you recovery is easy – it is not. But, it is so worth the pain of spiritual surgery to be free! You can do this, but not alone. Only with the support of Jesus Christ and His people can we find real freedom from habitual sin of any kind.
Take a few minutes and reflect on this question: What are the biggest triggers for your lust?
- Physical triggers (people, places, things)?
- Emotional triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)?
Understanding physical and emotional triggers for our lust is an important component of recovery. They reveal specific areas of our lives in need of boundaries and accountability. They also reveal aspects of our sinful nature which must be reckoned as crucified with Christ so we may walk in the newness of the Spirit rather than the lust of the flesh (Rom. 6:11, Rom. 8:5-14, Gal. 2:20, Gal. 5:24).
Here are a few of my personal triggers…I am being very open in sharing these…
Physical Triggers
- Women with the right shape in a pair of tight blue jeans or other clothing showing her rear-end.
- Really pretty eyes of any color.
- Pretty long hair
- Long, hot showers or baths
- Seeing my wife naked (My healthy attraction for her can morph into lust if it is not kept in check.)
Emotional triggers
- Loneliness
- Feelings of rejection and disapproval
- Feelings of inadequacy/inferiority
Hard to classify (may involve both physical and emotional triggers)
- Going long periods of time without being intimate with my wife. This begins to stir up feelings of rejection, disapproval and inferiority. It also involves seeing my wife and being physically attracted to her.
- Any interaction with my Dad. I often have feelings of rejection and/or anger from past hurts when I have contact with him.
In this video by Tal Prince, he shares how he first was exposed to pornography and how it was powerfully associated as an escape from porn. He goes on to explain how porn addiction is an “intimacy disorder” and what that means. You can learn more about Tal’s ministry at www.route1520.com.
The short podcast at this link gives some great perspective and advice on how to share your struggle with pornography with your spouse.
Here are a couple of points:
- Talk to someone “safe” first such as your pastor, a counselor or trusted friend
- It is better to tell your spouse than to be caught by them
- Honesty is the foundation of intimacy
- All of the gory details are not necessary
- Don’t unload on your spouse to ease your guilt, but to create openness and honesty
- Be prepared to receive their anger and don’t let that deter you from being honest
- Don’t wait for the perfect time – it will never arrive – it will always be awkward and difficult
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
- John 10:10 NKJV
Have you ever felt like lust has stolen from you; your peace, your rest, your dignity? Have you felt dead inside because no matter how hard you tried you could not stop doing the things you do not want to do? Have relationships been damaged or completely destroyed by the effects of your secret sin? If these short questions ring true with you, there is a thief in your midst. But, who is this thief? Is it the devil or is it the deceitfulness of the flesh?
So often, we hear of how the devil tempts us to sin and indeed he does. However, we also know that temptation comes from the flesh; the depraved mind which continually tries to get its needs met apart from God (see James 1). It is common to see those struggling with habitual sin approach their plight wholly from one of these views. Either the devil or one of his minions has taken a keen interest in them for some reason or they are convinced that they are loathsome creatures who are completely disqualified from experiencing the abundant life that Jesus speaks about in the verse above.
Neither of these one-sided views are helpful in the long run because because neither perspective has a proper focus. While it is understandable that someone would see things this way, they are either focusing on themselves or on the enemy. It is tempting to think that what we need is balance – a view that keeps both of these things in perspective. This too is flawed. We are clearly instructed in scripture that our focus should be singular – Jesus Christ, the Author and Finisher of our faith.
Giving too much of our attention to ourselves or the devil are deceptive distractions from the One who has the power and deep desire to set us free. We are instructed to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Living in shame or casting blame on the devil does nothing in this transformation process. Jesus wanted so badly to set us free from the shackles of sin that He laid down his life. He endured the cross because of the joy that was set before Him (Heb. 12:2). And what was this joy? A relationship with you!
We are imperfect, fallen creatures who are in need of sanctification. There also is an unholy enemy who should not be disregarded. But to the extent that these things distract us from Jesus Christ and a growing relationship with Him, they have become unhealthy. It is by grace that we are accepted into the beloved and by grace that we stand in the face of our enemy.
“…humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”
- 1 Pet. 5:6-11
Remember that the Christian life begins in Christ, continues in Christ, and will end in Christ. Our fallen state and our fight against the evil one must be kept in this perspective. Jesus is our very life!
The Emotional Cup diagram is reproduced with permission from Intimate Life Ministries
This diagram illustrates a concept called “Emotional Capacity.” The idea is that we can only hold so much emotion. Think of our emotional capacity as a cup. It is full of all sorts of different emotions. Some positive, some negative. The point is that when we are filled up with negative emotion, our ability to experience positive emotion is significantly diminished.
It is very important for us to go through whatever steps are necessary to drain our emotional cup of as much negative emotion as possible. In doing so, we greatly increase our capacity for positive emotions. Notice in the diagram that “Positive Emotions” only represents a small portion of the cup. As the other negative portions grow, the positive section shrinks. Conversely, as the negative portions are eliminated the positive capacity increases.
Another important point is that our cups are filled with some very OLD emotions that have settled way down to the bottom. Unless emotions are “emoted” (expressed, felt, experienced and validated) we will continue to carry them around. These emotions become breeding grounds for more negative feelings that bubble to the surface. When we are “squeezed” by life, all of the unhealthy things popping out of the top of the cup are what we get. (I think we know what that thing is for us who struggle with sexual integrity.) This is the “baggage” we have all heard about. We are all walking around with this junk lodged in our hearts.
This diagram and analogy has been EXTREMELY helpful to me in understanding the anthropology of addiction. We are humans and as such we are emotional creatures. Show me the coldest of people and I will show you someone with a full emotional cup; full of hurt, anger and fear that they have learned to shut themselves off to. In denying ourselves the opportunity to express negative emotion, we also rob ourselves of the joy of experiencing positive emotion. Addiction is a way to numb ourselves to the negative emotions we have been carrying around.
At the bottom of the cup notice there is HURT. We numb the pain with our addiction. It is the hurt, the pain, the negative emotions that fuel our addiction. It is not a flaw in us, it is our humanity straining to express itself; our silenced emotions crying out to be heard. That is why when we stop acting out we can feel so incredibly bad. After the numbing effect of acting out wears off, the emotions rise to the surface. The key is to feel them, express them, talk about them, and empty our souls of them. In doing so, we chip away at the bedrock of our addiction.
I know this is deep, but it very relevant to the process of recovery. Have you ever noticed how much better you feel about life when you feel good about yourself? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you confess you are struggling to someone else? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you forgive someone from the heart and stop carrying around the bitterness? You are experiencing this concept first-hand.
Let’s keep on this road so our lives can be as full of joy as possible. The Discussion Forum at The Purity Report is a great place to unload some of our negative emotions. It is meant to be a safe place for us to support one another in this endeavor.
Really take some time to study this diagram and ponder how the concept of emotional capacity has played out in your own life.
God Bless!
I read an amazing quote this morning…
“The genesis of an obedient life is our confession, most notably the confession of our disobedience is what prompts us to live an obedient life with God.” – Ann Lamott, page 99, Bird by Bird
This validates my own experience and deep held belief that confession is at the core of recovery from our addiction to sin. That is what The Purity Report is all about – creating a safe environment for confession to begin and be maintained.
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