We Support
Ever felt this way? I know it’s a parody of addiction, but it’s not too far from reality. When we are in denial, addiction can wreak havoc in our lives and the lives of those around us!
Best line at the end – “It’s the truth that sets you free, and accountability that keeps you there.”
I picked up this chip last Tuesday at Celebrate Recovery.
It was fourteen years ago this week that I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. It was also fourteen years ago this week that I last used any illegal drugs. Needless to say, I am incredibly grateful to God for the grace he has given me to stay away from drugs.
Struggling with pornography, however, was a part of my life before I began using drugs and persisted long after. It is this struggle that God used to bring me into recovery. He chose to remove drugs from me without journeying through recovery. But, he chose to use porn addiction to humble me and teach me how to depend upon him for freedom.
What a long, strange, and wonderful trip it’s been! I look forward to what God is going to do in the future. Thanks for sharing this with me! Merry Christmas!
Don’t Let Your Lust Go Unaccounted For!
A while ago we blogged about identifying the biggest triggers for our lust. The point of that blog post was to encourage us to proactively identify what the main triggers for our lust may be and put guardrails in place to safeguard us from them.
Triggers can be very different from person to person, but generally fall into two categories:
- Physical Triggers (people, places, things)
- Emotional Triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)
One of the most important aspects of recovery from porn/sex addiction is taking the time after a “slip” to process what happened. What were the specific triggers leading up to this particular episode?
Using the categories of physical and emotional triggers, we can gain valuable insight into our addiction after giving in to sin. Looking at it differently, you could say that it is discovering what the enemy used to gain access to our lives in this instance. Furthermore, over time we will see patterns emerging. This information about our addiction is absolutely necessary if we are to find real, lasting freedom from sexual sin.
Here are some questions that may be helpful when looking back and processing a fall. When answering them, don’t think just about the exact time that you acted out, but think about the last week or so leading up to it.
Physical Triggers
- What places did I go to that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including places online)?
- What people did I encounter that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings?
- What things did I come across that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including things online)?
Emotional Triggers
- What specific feelings have I wanted to escape or numb myself to? How long have I had these feelings?
- What has my mood or attitude been like? What has contributed to my mood or attitude?
- What feelings of anger or frustration have I been feeling? What is the cause of that anger or frustration? Who is involved?
- What feelings of resentment am I feeling? Who are those feelings directed toward?
- What stressful circumstances have I been dealing with? How have these contributed to the feelings I listed above?
- What have my predominant thoughts been focused upon? How do these thoughts mesh with the feelings and circumstances I listed above?
- What thoughts have specifically led to fantasy and arousal? How long have I been entertaining these thoughts? What feelings and circumstances have been in play since I have entertained these thoughts?
The next step is to decide what you are going to do with this information. How can you use it to help protect yourself from giving into sin in the future? What do you need to pray for wisdom and strength to guard against? Where do you need to specifically shore up your accountability? What do you need to avoid altogether?
Taking the time to carefully and courageously reflect upon our physical and emotional triggers is a non-negotiable aspect of recovery from addiction. Make a pact with yourself and your accountability network that you will always take the time to complete such an inventory when you give in to your lust. Don’t wait days or weeks to process your slip. Our addictive minds quickly cover up all of this junk when we act out. Take advantage of the time fresh from a fall, when your emotions are still raw and your conscience is screaming, to reflect upon what happened. You will not regret it!
26 Destructive Consequences Porn Viewing Has on a Man
The following destructive consequences are the result of a Christian man viewing pornography. The A to Z format covers the wide range of negative results that porn has on a man who is a follower of Jesus.
Alienates You From God. You no longer feel close to God. You don’t experience the power of God. You no longer have the joy of your salvation.
Blinds You To The Consequences. It temporarily turns off your walk with God, your relationships with your wife, your children, and others. It blinds you to what is going to happen to you spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, vocationally, and relationally.
Creates Unrealistic Expectations. Men begin to think this is what every woman should look like and that this is what your relationships with your wife is to be like.
Distorts Your View Of Sex. It makes you believe that sex is solely for the pleasure of a man and that women are simply objects to be used rather than God’s creations to be honored and respected.
Enough Is Never Enough. Pornography has an escalating effect. Like a drug you need more and more to satisfy the lust. It takes you further down a destructive path and further away from peace, joy, and healthy relationships.
Freedom Over What You Think And Do Is Lost. You become enslaved to your sinful thoughts which lead to sinful actions.
Guilt Comes Upon You After You Look At Porn, But The Guilt Is Not Enough To Prevent You From Doing It The Next Time.
Healthy Sexuality Is Numbed Through Porn. Healthy sex is married sex only that includes regular sex, unselfish sex, and loving sex.
Isolates You And Makes You Feel You Are All Alone And Are The Only One Who Struggles With Porn And Lust.
Jeopardizes Your Relationship With Your Wife Or Future Wife (if you are single), Your Witness For Jesus Christ, And Everything In Your Life That Is Important To You. You Put It All On The Line For Pornography.
Keeps You In S Cycle Of Self Destructive Behavior. It may appear to medicate the pain in your life, but it only adds to the pain with more pain. Porn leads you to do things you never thought you would do. Sin will take you further than you want to go. It will keep you longer than you want to stay. And it will cost you more than you want to pay (Unknown Author).
Lust—Sexual Sinful Lust—Leads To Sexual Sinful Actions. Porn put in your mind is like putting fuel on the fire of wrong sexual desire resulting in destructive thoughts and actions.
Masks The Real Wound You Are Seeking To Heal And Makes Things Worse.
Never A Neutral Experience. You cannot look at porn and not be affected by it. That experience is always inconsistent with God’s Word.
Objectifies Women. It makes them a sexual object. Porn hijacks a man’s ability to see an older woman as a mother figure, a same-aged woman as a sister figure, and a younger woman as a daughter figure.
Porn Initially Brings A Very Short-Lived Pleasure, Followed By Pain And More Pain
Quitting Becomes The Struggle Of A Lifetime. Once you allow porn in, there is a raging battle with Satan and your old nature to keep looking. Once you have allowed porn into your life, there will always be a battle. It is a winnable battle, but a daily battle.
Remains Imbedded In Your Mind Forever. Satan uses that image to replay in your mind to create a cycle of sinful lust again and to drive you back to looking at porn. You become bound to an image and a not a person.
Shame Enters Your Life. Guilt is feeling badly for something you have done, shame, however, is based on feeling badly about who you are. Pornography brings shame. God never brings shame. Satan always brings shame.
Trust Is Broken With The People You Love And Respect The Most.
Unlocks The Door To Every Sexual Sin. Porn is a portal, a gateway that leads to nothing good and everything painful such as compulsive masturbation, affairs, dangerous sexual practices, visiting adult-oriented businesses, paying for sex, perverted sexual practices and sexual abuse.
Violates Women. How? You are putting your stamp of approval on an industry that degrades and dehumanizes women.
Wandering Eyes Toward Other Women are Invited .
Xtinguishes Truth. Pornography promotes lying. You lie to others, you lie to God, and you lie to yourself. You lie more to cover up past lies. You become a living lie.
Yokes You To An Image. You become bound and attached to the image instead of your wife or future wife if you are single.
Zips Your Lips To Praising God, Speaking About Your Faith, And Telling Others How They Can Experience God.
Reproduced with permission from XXXChurch.com
Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.
Proverbs 28:13-14 NLT
“My false and private self is the one who wants to exist outside the reach of God’s will and God’s love – outside of reality and outside of life. And such a self cannot help but be an illusion.” -Thomas Merton
Admitting to God
Getting honest about the details of our lives is the most powerful thing we can do to strengthen our intimate connection with God. Honesty puts us on the same page with Him. Knowing that He knows everything about us, there is no reason to hide what is inside of us anymore. When we get honest with God, we “cash the check” so to speak; we open ourselves up and receive the grace that He has already provided for us, through Christ.
Step Five is not a religious exercise so it’s important that we don’t over -spiritualize this aspect of our recovery. We are just admitting, with as much detail as we can, what God already knows. We acknowledge that we have never benefited from minimizing our weaknesses and shortcomings. We admit our pride and our stubbornness, with as much clarity as possible, most notably all of our silly attempts to solve our spiritual and emotional problems. We confess that we have been self righteousness in covert and creative ways. We admit that we have never fooled God and that we rarely fooled anyone else, only ourselves. We tell the details about how we have judged other people and, with as much humility as possible, we admit how our religiosity has kept God, and the goodness that He intends for us, at arm’s length.
God has known us in a deep way. Now we will begin to know ourselves in a deep way, too. As we are willing to admit the exact nature of our wrongs to God, we will be able to accept the acceptance that He gives. As we accept the acceptance that He gives, we will begin to accept ourselves in the same way; even the worst about us. The more we admit our shortcomings to God, the more we slice away at the fears that have ruled us from the inside. We will learn to be at peace with the mysterious ways of God. Accepting His deep acceptance, we will no longer be obsessed with trying to figure out the hidden streams and currents of God. We will lose our inhibitions. We will want to strip down, reveal ourselves completely and swim in the power of goodness that God offers to us. We will never sink or get lost when we are honest with God. He’ll do the navigating for us. Knowing that we are known by God in this intimate way, we can live at rest. We will be buoyed in His grace forever, floating and moving with the currents of His guidance and care. There is no need to fear the oceanic mystery of God anymore. No matter where His currents lead our lives, the ultimate destination for us is more than very, very good.
Reproduced with the permission of Operation Integrity
Mood swings/Brain imbalancedThe last common area, which I can relate to, is Mood-affective sexual addiction. This type is characterized by a pattern of using sex to placate or control the highs and lows of mood swings. The two most common medical diagnoses related to this pattern are depression and bipolar disorders. The fact is that sex addicts deal with mood issues at a rate of nearly 4 times the general male population 26% for the former, 7 for the latter. Thoughts that often accompany the acting-out range from “This will make me feel better” to “Well, if I just get it over with I’ll be able to go to sleep.” I have dealt with depression and anxiety and have benefited greatly from using a drug called Welbutrin (especially during the winters) to combat Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Before recovery, I would use masturbation to comfort myself when feeling down, depressed or simply lethargic instead of finding someone to talk to, workout or experience adventure. Now, I am living the real and engaged life I always wanted: running, hiking, skiing, and pursuing new adventures regularly instead of using the escape of masturbation and fantasy as a counterfeit source of adventurous fun and exercise to help my brain get the needed endorphins naturally and in a non-habit-forming way.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Fear of intimacy
Intimacy-aversive (sometimes called “sexual anorexic”) addicts have more trouble with “acting-in” than acting-out in the context of a relationship. This can be evidenced by behaviors that tend to sabotage or erode the intimacy in that primary romantic relationship: withdraw, withholding, blaming, shaming, avoiding, hiding, controlling, etc. Sound familiar? Nearly 40% of all sexual addicts also deal with Intimacy-aversion. There are 3 common roots of Intimacy-aversion: 1) attachment disorder with one or both parents, 2) sexual trauma and 3) reflexive/reaction to the sexually-addictive behaviors.
While I don’t think I personally deal with this type at a significant level, I can see that I was a prime candidate: my relationship with my mother growing up was volatile and with my dad it was shallow; I was sexually traumatized to a significant level as described earlier; and I experienced overwhelming shame guilt and fear towards my wife early on in our marriage because I was still walking in the addiction and acting out. Even today, I have to be on guard for ways that I can tend to subconsciously sabotage the intimacy in our relationship through blaming and controlling, behaviors common amongst those of us dealing with same-gender attractions.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
The Trauma factor
The third most common type of sexual addiction is called Trauma-Induced and is the result of sexual trauma. sexual trauma means “any event that alters or damages a person’s self-perception or understanding of healthy sexuality.” This can range from normal childhood experiences like “playing doctor” or exploring to actual acts of rape, incest or molestation. Something can become traumatic when there is either a power differential or emotional distress in the experience: either someone else initiated it, they were bigger or stronger or older or simply more experienced than you or you felt scared, guilty or shameful during or as a result. The addiction lies in the compulsion to repeat the trauma so if you can look at your “acting-out” behaviors and see patterns that are similar to sexual or quasi-sexual experiences in your younger, more impressionable years (often into early adulthood), there may be some trauma to address.
I can see this in my own story in that not only was I molested by a male scout leader and a female babysitter around 8-10 years old but I began being sexual with boys and girls in the neighborhood shortly thereafter on a daily basis until I was about 15 or 16. This tapered down in late high school and early college (sounds ironic, huh?) but while the behaviors became more sporadic, I was still trying to recreate the same things from childhood as an adult in an attempt to feel like I was in control or to give me the illusion of power, affirmation and value.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Psychological deficits
The second most common type of addiction-psychological-is created when sex is used to “medicate” against painful memories or relational experiences from childhood in adulthood. In other words, we all have emotional/relational needs that must be met developmentally: affirmation, attachment/bonding, gender affiliation, trust, responsibility, honesty, and others. When these needs are not met or when we develop scarring as a result of abuse or neglect, the result is pain. You could call this “soul pain” and a soul in pain will seek medication. So, the addict has chosen sex as his “poison” to cover up the effects of this psychological pain instead of facing the pain and growing through it.
For me, the main sources of pain were my relationships with parents and peers. My parents loved me and I knew that, however, they were limited in what they could give me and sometimes what they gave me was harmful. My dad was a bit relationally stunted and passive: he was very fun and likeable but unable to connect on a heart-to-heart level with me or show me how that was done as a male. My mother, also fun-loving and caring, had an anger issue and would sometimes get controlling and violent. My peers were merciless from 6th grade through 10th when I was bullied and called names that were terribly feminizing and confusing.
The net effect was that I had a love-hate relationship with men, looking for them to rescue me, while waning in my ability to respect them. When it came to women, I was not interested in anything other than friendships because that felt like healing and not something that would consume or violate me. And as far as peers were concerned, I’ve had to work through trust issues and take risks to be “fully-known and fully accepted” (the very definition of intimacy).
Furthermore, the confusing attractions towards men came from the need to be affirmed in my own masculinity and have a sense of mastery over life-something that good looks, big muscles, a sense of freedom and adventure and all the other things I was attracted to in males was trying to give me in a false or counterfeit way. Part of this root came also by way of comparison/contrast in my relationship with peers and being a “late-bloomer.” Puberty came later than normal for me and this, coupled with having to shower after gym class every day in 7th and 8th grade, created a sense of inferiority, jealousy and strife around things s_xual and anatomical. The mix of this psychological deficit and the regular practice of masturbation with the images of the other, more developed and endowed boys, made for a very powerful longing for what I didn’t seem to have and an attachment to what they appeared to.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
“Ring the bell, feed the dog”
First, the most common type, Neurological, can be understood as addiction that’s created behaviorally. This happens primarily as a result of masturbation and fantasy and as the brain is conditioned through ejaculation/orgasm to respond to the images, (imagined or actual pornography) that are in the brain at the moment of chemical impact. This impact, a combination of endorphins and enkephalins not only explains why the release feels so good but represents the highest chemical reward the brain can achieve naturally. This is also why the images that we’ve acted out with in the past can seems so vivid even today-they’ve essentially been “burned on our brain” through this reinforcing process. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?
My own experimentation with masturbation started earlier than normal-the average age to start seems to be around 11 to 14-and it became more pronounced and regular for me at about 11 or 12 and eventually becoming a daily habit through my teens and tapering off in my twenties. I know I looked at a lot of porn and remember focusing mainly on the men in the pictures. I think this was because they were less prevalent than women and I was curious about what they were doing and what I might be expected to do myself. The sense of freedom and adventure they seemed to have been also very alluring to me. So I would go back, sometimes daily to my secret stash and fixate on these pictures, and regularly sealing the images in my brain through masturbation.
This habit continued for me even after being saved at age 21-primarily because no one ever told me how harmful it could be-even though I always somehow (thank you Holy Spirit) felt guilty about it and would try to stop but only with mixed results. Even though the porn and acting-out with others stopped, I still had the images in my fantasy world and this kept me attached.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Keep In Touch