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Dr. Dallas Willard recently posted a very compelling article on his website about pornography and spiritual formation. True to form, his words do not merely impart information, but impel action and give practical application.
He uses his “VIM” model as a framework to understand the nature of pornography use and how to stop through devotion to Christ.
VIM stands for Vision, Intention and Means. Use of pornography represents a wrong vision of God and His creation (ourselves and the objects of pornography), which drives our intention to use pornography and gratify ourselves sexually, which leads to pursuing the means to act out those intentions. Replacing each element of VIM with a new vision, intention and means is laid out as a way to achieve freedom.
It really is an interesting read. Check it out here…
Leave a commentOne thing that I have heard before that wasn’t encouraging to me at the time, but looking back I understand…
Once we act out, we find it easy to redouble our efforts. Like any appetite, once we feed it, it is quelled for a time. This is true of our sexual appetite. When we indulge ourselves, the sexual hunger is satiated and doesn’t bother us for a time. It could be a few days or even a few weeks or months. Our efforts to avoid temptations and maybe avert our attention from objects of temptation come easy for a time after acting out.
It isn’t easy when the siren’s call to dash ourselves on the rocks grows from a whisper to a shout. The hardest part of recovery is growing to the point where we are able to withstand temptation when the hunger hasn’t been fulfilled.
We have to remember that the thing we actually hunger isn’t sex, but intimacy, connection and pleasure. The false intimacy and connection of pornography, and the fleeting pleasure of masturbation always leave us flat. And like any appetite, it only grows as we indulge it.
Like I said, that is tough and may not sound encouraging right now, but I felt that it would be helpful to you in the long run. Stay strong and use the time when the temptation is low to build real intimacy, connection and healthy sources of pleasure into your life. That is the best way to combat the temptation to come.
If you don’t have face-to-face friendships with others who can encourage you, start out by joining our forums for strugglers at The Purity Report. It is a safe environment to begin talking about your temptations in a structured way and receive prayer and encouragement.
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The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 7: Overcoming Temptation
So what do we do about temptation?
In this episode, we talk about temptation – where it really comes from and how to overcome it.
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The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 3: H.A.L.T.
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
In this episode, we talk about four common triggers for addictive behavior.
A few months ago we posted the story of a man who had difficulty being aroused by his wife because he had been so desensitized by porn and masturbation. He has graciously given us a continuation of his story.
Last Monday, we had planned to make love. For some reason, I was not responding to the caressing by my wife or anything else we tried during foreplay. It was just not happening. While lying there, I was not greatly angered or frustrated; just disappointed. Again, my wife was supportive and encouraging. Without thinking, I started to discuss with her the contents of what I wrote in the blog without mentioning I had posted it on the Internet, (she would have been OK with this). She fully understood how the affects of chronic porn and masturbation can rewire one’s thinking and desensitization to other forms of sexual stimuli other than porn and masturbation. I mentioned to her that I was trying to focus my attention on her as the only source of sexual stimuli and response and she was encouraged by this. I was just about to say to her that we will try next time, when I felt a sudden peace and urge to try again. I felt God’s presence in the room and I knew then it was His urging and everything would turn out fine! Without saying anything to my wife, I re-started foreplay and found myself getting aroused as I focused my thoughts on her which ended up in us making love. I was pleased, relieved and thankful for God for His peace, urging and enablement.
It just gave me confirmation that I was on the right track and that I have to continue to do eradicate/control/surrender all forms of temptation to Him and concentrate on my wife as my only source of sexual stimuli and satisfaction and therefore keep this in the confines of marital boundaries as God originally intended.
I am not saying it is going to be easy from this point on; it is not, but it has shown me there is hope for me and I don’t have to settle for a lie any more or second rate sexuality, that I can have the sexual and intimate expression of love and relationship God intended and has provided for my wife and I.
2 Comments26 Destructive Consequences Porn Viewing Has on a Man
The following destructive consequences are the result of a Christian man viewing pornography. The A to Z format covers the wide range of negative results that porn has on a man who is a follower of Jesus.
Alienates You From God. You no longer feel close to God. You don’t experience the power of God. You no longer have the joy of your salvation.
Blinds You To The Consequences. It temporarily turns off your walk with God, your relationships with your wife, your children, and others. It blinds you to what is going to happen to you spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, vocationally, and relationally.
Creates Unrealistic Expectations. Men begin to think this is what every woman should look like and that this is what your relationships with your wife is to be like.
Distorts Your View Of Sex. It makes you believe that sex is solely for the pleasure of a man and that women are simply objects to be used rather than God’s creations to be honored and respected.
Enough Is Never Enough. Pornography has an escalating effect. Like a drug you need more and more to satisfy the lust. It takes you further down a destructive path and further away from peace, joy, and healthy relationships.
Freedom Over What You Think And Do Is Lost. You become enslaved to your sinful thoughts which lead to sinful actions.
Guilt Comes Upon You After You Look At Porn, But The Guilt Is Not Enough To Prevent You From Doing It The Next Time.
Healthy Sexuality Is Numbed Through Porn. Healthy sex is married sex only that includes regular sex, unselfish sex, and loving sex.
Isolates You And Makes You Feel You Are All Alone And Are The Only One Who Struggles With Porn And Lust.
Jeopardizes Your Relationship With Your Wife Or Future Wife (if you are single), Your Witness For Jesus Christ, And Everything In Your Life That Is Important To You. You Put It All On The Line For Pornography.
Keeps You In S Cycle Of Self Destructive Behavior. It may appear to medicate the pain in your life, but it only adds to the pain with more pain. Porn leads you to do things you never thought you would do. Sin will take you further than you want to go. It will keep you longer than you want to stay. And it will cost you more than you want to pay (Unknown Author).
Lust—Sexual Sinful Lust—Leads To Sexual Sinful Actions. Porn put in your mind is like putting fuel on the fire of wrong sexual desire resulting in destructive thoughts and actions.
Masks The Real Wound You Are Seeking To Heal And Makes Things Worse.
Never A Neutral Experience. You cannot look at porn and not be affected by it. That experience is always inconsistent with God’s Word.
Objectifies Women. It makes them a sexual object. Porn hijacks a man’s ability to see an older woman as a mother figure, a same-aged woman as a sister figure, and a younger woman as a daughter figure.
Porn Initially Brings A Very Short-Lived Pleasure, Followed By Pain And More Pain
Quitting Becomes The Struggle Of A Lifetime. Once you allow porn in, there is a raging battle with Satan and your old nature to keep looking. Once you have allowed porn into your life, there will always be a battle. It is a winnable battle, but a daily battle.
Remains Imbedded In Your Mind Forever. Satan uses that image to replay in your mind to create a cycle of sinful lust again and to drive you back to looking at porn. You become bound to an image and a not a person.
Shame Enters Your Life. Guilt is feeling badly for something you have done, shame, however, is based on feeling badly about who you are. Pornography brings shame. God never brings shame. Satan always brings shame.
Trust Is Broken With The People You Love And Respect The Most.
Unlocks The Door To Every Sexual Sin. Porn is a portal, a gateway that leads to nothing good and everything painful such as compulsive masturbation, affairs, dangerous sexual practices, visiting adult-oriented businesses, paying for sex, perverted sexual practices and sexual abuse.
Violates Women. How? You are putting your stamp of approval on an industry that degrades and dehumanizes women.
Wandering Eyes Toward Other Women are Invited .
Xtinguishes Truth. Pornography promotes lying. You lie to others, you lie to God, and you lie to yourself. You lie more to cover up past lies. You become a living lie.
Yokes You To An Image. You become bound and attached to the image instead of your wife or future wife if you are single.
Zips Your Lips To Praising God, Speaking About Your Faith, And Telling Others How They Can Experience God.
Reproduced with permission from XXXChurch.com
Psychological deficits
The second most common type of addiction-psychological-is created when sex is used to “medicate” against painful memories or relational experiences from childhood in adulthood. In other words, we all have emotional/relational needs that must be met developmentally: affirmation, attachment/bonding, gender affiliation, trust, responsibility, honesty, and others. When these needs are not met or when we develop scarring as a result of abuse or neglect, the result is pain. You could call this “soul pain” and a soul in pain will seek medication. So, the addict has chosen sex as his “poison” to cover up the effects of this psychological pain instead of facing the pain and growing through it.
For me, the main sources of pain were my relationships with parents and peers. My parents loved me and I knew that, however, they were limited in what they could give me and sometimes what they gave me was harmful. My dad was a bit relationally stunted and passive: he was very fun and likeable but unable to connect on a heart-to-heart level with me or show me how that was done as a male. My mother, also fun-loving and caring, had an anger issue and would sometimes get controlling and violent. My peers were merciless from 6th grade through 10th when I was bullied and called names that were terribly feminizing and confusing.
The net effect was that I had a love-hate relationship with men, looking for them to rescue me, while waning in my ability to respect them. When it came to women, I was not interested in anything other than friendships because that felt like healing and not something that would consume or violate me. And as far as peers were concerned, I’ve had to work through trust issues and take risks to be “fully-known and fully accepted” (the very definition of intimacy).
Furthermore, the confusing attractions towards men came from the need to be affirmed in my own masculinity and have a sense of mastery over life-something that good looks, big muscles, a sense of freedom and adventure and all the other things I was attracted to in males was trying to give me in a false or counterfeit way. Part of this root came also by way of comparison/contrast in my relationship with peers and being a “late-bloomer.” Puberty came later than normal for me and this, coupled with having to shower after gym class every day in 7th and 8th grade, created a sense of inferiority, jealousy and strife around things s_xual and anatomical. The mix of this psychological deficit and the regular practice of masturbation with the images of the other, more developed and endowed boys, made for a very powerful longing for what I didn’t seem to have and an attachment to what they appeared to.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
“Ring the bell, feed the dog”
First, the most common type, Neurological, can be understood as addiction that’s created behaviorally. This happens primarily as a result of masturbation and fantasy and as the brain is conditioned through ejaculation/orgasm to respond to the images, (imagined or actual pornography) that are in the brain at the moment of chemical impact. This impact, a combination of endorphins and enkephalins not only explains why the release feels so good but represents the highest chemical reward the brain can achieve naturally. This is also why the images that we’ve acted out with in the past can seems so vivid even today-they’ve essentially been “burned on our brain” through this reinforcing process. Remember Pavlov and his dogs?
My own experimentation with masturbation started earlier than normal-the average age to start seems to be around 11 to 14-and it became more pronounced and regular for me at about 11 or 12 and eventually becoming a daily habit through my teens and tapering off in my twenties. I know I looked at a lot of porn and remember focusing mainly on the men in the pictures. I think this was because they were less prevalent than women and I was curious about what they were doing and what I might be expected to do myself. The sense of freedom and adventure they seemed to have been also very alluring to me. So I would go back, sometimes daily to my secret stash and fixate on these pictures, and regularly sealing the images in my brain through masturbation.
This habit continued for me even after being saved at age 21-primarily because no one ever told me how harmful it could be-even though I always somehow (thank you Holy Spirit) felt guilty about it and would try to stop but only with mixed results. Even though the porn and acting-out with others stopped, I still had the images in my fantasy world and this kept me attached.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I’m single-minded in pursuit of you; don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted. I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won’t sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, GOD; train me in your ways of wise living. Psalm 119:10-12 The Message
“When our desire is focused on loving God and others, we will realize our deepest longings for life fulfilled.” – An Anonymous Recovering Alcoholic
Reversing the Past
None of us will ever eliminate our character defects on our own, no matter how hard we try. While it is not possible for us to remove our character defects on our own, we can learn to change the way we think, the way we act and the way we live our lives. Letting go of character defects is never passive. Like everything else we do in recovery, character change requires action. Personal growth and change is a divine interaction between God’s grace and our choices. When we change our actions, we interrupt habitual patterns of thinking, believing and feeling. Motion changes emotion!
If we are willing to change, we will not make the same mistakes time after time. It takes some practice, but with a little commitment and a few failures (which we will want to share with another person), the changes to the way we think, the way we feel and the way we act will begin to come quite quickly. People from religious backgrounds call this repentance and that’s exactly what it is. Grassroots, down and dirty, rubber meets the road repentance. The simplest definition of repentance is to “change one’s mind.” It’s an about face. Turning and going in the other direction. Whatever you call it, it works.
Scripture offers an overwhelming abundance of practical insight and guidance for those of us who are looking for renewal and strength. There are some things that just cannot be said any better than the way Scripture has already said it.
“And so I insist – and God backs me up on this – that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty- headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion. But that’s no life for you! You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.” Ephesians 4:19 – 23 The Message
Any questions?
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment Seven
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
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I am realizing more than ever that purity is a lifestyle. It’s not the result of a single decision we make to be sexually pure. Rather, purity is the result of the little decisions I make each and every day.
From an addiction standpoint, the decisions that lead to purity aren’t simply to avoid objects of lust and arenas of temptation. It is more than that. The decision to maintain my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental health are paramount. I have to decide to take care of myself, which is so foreign to someone who has been steeped in the shame of addiction.
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