What are the Biggest…?
Published September 12, 2010 | 
Take a few minutes and reflect on this question: What are the biggest triggers for your lust?
- Physical triggers (people, places, things)?
- Emotional triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)?
Understanding physical and emotional triggers for our lust is an important component of recovery. They reveal specific areas of our lives in need of boundaries and accountability. They also reveal aspects of our sinful nature which must be reckoned as crucified with Christ so we may walk in the newness of the Spirit rather than the lust of the flesh (Rom. 6:11, Rom. 8:5-14, Gal. 2:20, Gal. 5:24).
Here are a few of my personal triggers…I am being very open in sharing these…
Physical Triggers
- Women with the right shape in a pair of tight blue jeans or other clothing showing her rear-end.
- Really pretty eyes of any color.
- Pretty long hair
- Long, hot showers or baths
- Seeing my wife naked (My healthy attraction for her can morph into lust if it is not kept in check.)
Emotional triggers
- Loneliness
- Feelings of rejection and disapproval
- Feelings of inadequacy/inferiority
Hard to classify (may involve both physical and emotional triggers)
- Going long periods of time without being intimate with my wife. This begins to stir up feelings of rejection, disapproval and inferiority. It also involves seeing my wife and being physically attracted to her.
- Any interaction with my Dad. I often have feelings of rejection and/or anger from past hurts when I have contact with him.
Feeling and Doing
Published September 10, 2010 | Let’s be honest about the deep anger and resentment that we have held against some of the people to whom we owe amends. All of us have suffered to some degree because of the anger we have stored up on the inside. If we take a moment to honestly consider this, we will see that there is really no question that we have felt this way. Anger and resentment are some of the core feelings that drive our addictions. The only real relevant question now is, Can we – will we face our anger honestly, with integrity, and not let it stand in the way of our recovery?
Recovery and future growth will not allow us to sidestep our feelings. We have to be willing to confront the destructive feelings that we have felt for certain specific people (this may even include a group of people or a particular demographic) if we want to recover and make healthy changes to our relationships in the future. Feeling the way we feel does not excuse us from taking the important steps that we need to take in order to make amends to the people we have harmed. Feelings are feelings and nothing more. They are like lights on the dashboard of our lives. They tell us about important things that are going on under the hood but they are not intended to dictate the actions we take nor do they excuse our procrastinations.
There may be times when we realize that some of the people who are on our amends list have caused us harm and the wrongs they’ve done to us far exceed anything we’ve done to them. It is vitally important that we keep our focus here. The wrongs that other people have done to us are not our concern at this point in time. We need to make the decision to no longer hold their wrongs against them. After consulting with our advisors, let us contact these people and apologize to them for our inappropriate actions, offering to do whatever we can do to repair the damage we have caused. These particular people may have never acknowledged the hurt and pain they have caused us, and maybe they never will. Nevertheless, let us continue to forgive them everyday, not because they are innocent or because they deserve forgiveness, but because we need to do so in order to continue to recover from our addictions and to heal from the damage they did to us.
Occasionally feelings of anger and resentment will return. Because of this, we should diligently monitor our own thoughts and feelings and be willing to let go of any renewed anger that comes up. While we may not have a future relationship with these particular people, our attitude toward them, ourselves and others will be radically improved only to the degree that we are willing to forgive them and make amends to them. We can be honest about how things really were in our past relationships. We don’t need to make excuses for our friends, our families or for ourselves anymore. Things simply were the way they were and, today, they are the way they are. We can hope and even pray that someday things may change, that we can have a healthy and happy relationship with all people and that all people will recognize that our new life and values are worth appreciating. But, in order for us to continue to grow in God’s plan for our lives, we must remember that other people’s attitude toward us are none of our business. It is between them and God.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Nine Segment Two
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
The Emotional Cup
Published August 31, 2010 | 
The Emotional Cup diagram is reproduced with permission from Intimate Life Ministries
This diagram illustrates a concept called “Emotional Capacity.” The idea is that we can only hold so much emotion. Think of our emotional capacity as a cup. It is full of all sorts of different emotions. Some positive, some negative. The point is that when we are filled up with negative emotion, our ability to experience positive emotion is significantly diminished.
It is very important for us to go through whatever steps are necessary to drain our emotional cup of as much negative emotion as possible. In doing so, we greatly increase our capacity for positive emotions. Notice in the diagram that “Positive Emotions” only represents a small portion of the cup. As the other negative portions grow, the positive section shrinks. Conversely, as the negative portions are eliminated the positive capacity increases.
Another important point is that our cups are filled with some very OLD emotions that have settled way down to the bottom. Unless emotions are “emoted” (expressed, felt, experienced and validated) we will continue to carry them around. These emotions become breeding grounds for more negative feelings that bubble to the surface. When we are “squeezed” by life, all of the unhealthy things popping out of the top of the cup are what we get. (I think we know what that thing is for us who struggle with sexual integrity.) This is the “baggage” we have all heard about. We are all walking around with this junk lodged in our hearts.
This diagram and analogy has been EXTREMELY helpful to me in understanding the anthropology of addiction. We are humans and as such we are emotional creatures. Show me the coldest of people and I will show you someone with a full emotional cup; full of hurt, anger and fear that they have learned to shut themselves off to. In denying ourselves the opportunity to express negative emotion, we also rob ourselves of the joy of experiencing positive emotion. Addiction is a way to numb ourselves to the negative emotions we have been carrying around.
At the bottom of the cup notice there is HURT. We numb the pain with our addiction. It is the hurt, the pain, the negative emotions that fuel our addiction. It is not a flaw in us, it is our humanity straining to express itself; our silenced emotions crying out to be heard. That is why when we stop acting out we can feel so incredibly bad. After the numbing effect of acting out wears off, the emotions rise to the surface. The key is to feel them, express them, talk about them, and empty our souls of them. In doing so, we chip away at the bedrock of our addiction.
I know this is deep, but it very relevant to the process of recovery. Have you ever noticed how much better you feel about life when you feel good about yourself? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you confess you are struggling to someone else? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you forgive someone from the heart and stop carrying around the bitterness? You are experiencing this concept first-hand.
Let’s keep on this road so our lives can be as full of joy as possible. The Discussion Forum at The Purity Report is a great place to unload some of our negative emotions. It is meant to be a safe place for us to support one another in this endeavor.
Really take some time to study this diagram and ponder how the concept of emotional capacity has played out in your own life.
God Bless!
Recovering a Healthy Relationship With Ourselves
Published August 31, 2010 | David Zailer posted an extremely good update to his blog today.
http://operationintegritydaily.blogspot.com/2010/08/recovering-healthy-relationship-with.html
Here are a few quotes from the article. They are in the context of doing a Step 4 inventory of our past sins.
No matter how we may rationalize it differently, our addictions have been destroying us. Part of the insanity of addiction is how we tend to minimize the damage that our addictions do.
…
We look ourselves over much like we would examine a part of our body that is hurting. We do it with care, in a nurturing way.
…
We need to understand that addictions grow because of self-centeredness. Addiction is not the cause of moral failings nor is it a moral failing in and of itself. Addiction, and any subsequent moral failings are caused by spiritual and emotional longings that have gone unmet. Because of this, it is critical that we see how we have contributed to our own spiritual and emotional deprivation. For you see, our addictions take hold of us as we seek to meet needs that we cannot meet and escape pain that is too much for us to handle on our own. Sadly, in addiction, the very things that we have used to escape our pain actually increase our pain. Then, addictions grow and deepen all the more.
Dissatisfaction and Desire
Published August 17, 2010 | Being part of a recovery fellowship on an ongoing basis will provide us with many opportunities to hear others tell about how they have suffered because of their addictions and what it has been like for them to find recovery. One of the most incredible and amazing things that we will ever experience in a meeting is when someone shares how he or she has become grateful for having had addictions. In recovery, it is possible for the pain of our addictions to become a great motivator in our lives. Pain keeps us moving forward, compelling us to keep reaching out to find answers for the pain and troubles of life. As we recover, we find a very simple but profound solution. The solution is for us to want God, and what He has to give us, more than we want what we, or our addictions, can provide us. This new kind of God-given desire helps us to see that pain is not our enemy and we don’t need to run from it anymore. As we become wiling to face the day-to-day pains of life our pain and difficulties are transformed into powerful assets of learning and growth. Embracing pain as a learning opportunity brings us face to face with God’s work of redemption, a work that is only available to those who have the deep, pliable humility that soaks out of a desperate and dying pain.
We all seem to want more out of life than what we can provide for ourselves. Not only do we fail to supply ourselves with the things that we think will make us happy; our addictions prove that we fail to provide ourselves with a satisfying level of interpersonal and spiritual connectedness, too. We all fall short. We all fail to meet our own needs. By recognizing how we have failed to meet our own needs, no matter how hard we tried, we can see that the things that we’ve been addicted to are not our biggest problem. Our real problem is who we are. We are all in need of a complete, interpersonal overhaul, starting with the very core of our minds, our hearts and our innermost character.
Our addictions grow from a deep personal longing inside of us that silently cries out to be touched. When our deep longing goes untouched, we cry out all the more in ever deeper ways, craving with an ever-increasing intensity for more of the things that brought us relief in the past. This is how our addictions take hold of us. Deep-rooted painful feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and loneliness can be the triggers that send us back to our addictions time after time. With our longing unsatisfied, and after numerous and repeated attempts to do the right thing, invariably we fail, once again, falling ever deeper into our addictions. Desperate, over time, we become wholly and completely dissatisfied with who we are and with the way that we have lived our lives. Our good intentions and our failures have simmered together until, finally, with God’s help, we become entirely ready to be recreated into a fundamentally different kind of person. We are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We are convinced that we will never satisfy our own innermost needs. Staying the same is no longer acceptable to us. We want to be different. Deep in our hearts we know that if we do not humbly make the choice to change, we will eventually die still wallowing in our addictions.
This profound misery and discontent is the birth point of a new healthier desire – a desire based not on our previous loves or lusts, but more on a healthy and compelling desire, to experience new life inside of us. The pain of our addictions helps us to understand that we really don’t need things to change but it is the “I”, the “ME”, the “WE” that need to change. We are no longer satisfied with just being healed from our addictions. We want to have our complete and total self reformatted and changed by the perfect design of God.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment One
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
Emotions and Choices
Published July 28, 2010 | My understanding of emotions are that they cannot be controlled per-se. They happen and they are more or less spontaneous. What do can control is our response to them. We are responsible for our behavioral responses to our emotional reactions.
Two key words here: reactions (emotions) and responses (choices we make as a result of those emotions).
1. It is okay for me to have emotions, even bad ones. They are, in fact, a gift from God. However, they are very powerful and can lead to very poor choices if I am not careful. Emotions can only be dealt with through validation. I need to know that it is okay for me to feel this way. The best way for that to happen is by talking about my feelings with another “safe” person. (The Purity Report Partner Guidelines are a great way to create those safe relationships.)
2. I am responsible for the choices I make, even bad ones. Our will is also a gift from God. But, when fueled by negative emotions, we can make some really stupid choices. Sometimes, we get those responses (read choices) so ingrained that they are practically automatic. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Drawing this distinction has opened up a lot for me. It is okay for me to feel crappy about things. I also have the power to choose how I am going to respond. If I have automatic responses in play (addictions) then I need to find a way to slow down the cycle of stimulus (emotion) and response (choice) so I can choose differently!
I wrote a blog post a while back that adds more to this called “Stimulus and Response.”
Be Thankful
Published July 10, 2010 | I was reading through 1 Thessalonians this morning and came across a well-worn verse.
pray continually;
1 Thes. 5:17
I have often read or heard this verse and come to one simple conclusion: I am not praying enough. That may be true, but is too simplistic and I don’t believe it really gets at the heart of this exhortation. Yes, we should pray without ceasing. However, it does not set right with my heart when my first-glance reading of scripture brings feelings of inadequacy because of a New Testament standard I feel I could never live up to.
Fortunately, the Holy Spirit does not give us this verse in isolation. He beautifully sandwiches it between two other verses (read context) that give it color and practicality. Back up one verse and this is what you read.
Be joyful always;
1 Thes. 5:16
Well that doesn’t seem any better! Seriously, how am I to be joyful when the world comes crashing down on me? When I am struggling and the shame hits me, the last thing I feel is joyful. That is where this gets exciting. Let’s read those verses together with some inline commentary.
Be joyful always;
1 Thes. 5:16
But how?
pray continuously;
1 Thes 5:17
Joy is linked to prayer. Taken alone, this still seems like a burdensome command that I could never live up to. I don’t always feel joyful and I quite often throw prayer out the window. Fortunately there is more context to help us along.
Be joyful always;
1 Thes 5:16
But how?
pray continuously;
1 Thes. 5:17
What does it look like to always be joyful and pray continuously?
give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thes. 5:18
There it is. I knew something was missing! The wonderful thing is that the key I needed to unlock my understanding of an often-quoted, guilt-laden admonishment from scripture was right there all the time; right there in the context!
No matter what happens in my life, however I am feeling, I can choose to be thankful to and for Jesus Christ. When things are good, I can choose to thank my Heavenly Father for his blessings. When things are bad, no matter how dark, I can choose to thank Jesus for salvation, for loving me enough to die for my sins, and all that he has done in my life.
Choosing to give thanks in all circumstances lifts our hearts to God in simple prayer and fills us with joy knowing that we are dearly loved. May we all take advantage of the grace given to us by God the Holy Spirit when we accepted Jesus Christ as Savior and choose to be thankful in any and every circumstance. Regardless of how bad our struggles are or how hopeless we feel, we can always find something for which we can be thankful.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Php. 4:4-7
Check Under the Hood
Published July 3, 2009 | 
After being in recovery for a while, you realize that addiction of any sort, porn/sexual addiction included, is an attempt to meet legitimate needs through illegitimate means. The way we define sexual addiction on the Purity Report FAQ further explains this perspective.
With that in mind, I have come to believe that temptation to engage in acting out behavior is like the check engine light on the dashboard of my car. The pull toward pornography is an indicator that I need to check under the hood.
In recovery terms, this is known as identifying your triggers. The acronym HALT is a well-known list of common triggers (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). This article further explains HALT.
It is very helpful to identify triggers in two categories: visual/physical or emotional. HALT identifies two physical triggers (hungry or tired) and two emotional triggers (angry or lonely). Seeing a person or picture with certain physical attributes or wearing specific clothing can visually trigger arousal.
Emotional triggers are much more difficult to identify. In part this is because addicts are generally not connected to their emotional selves and therefore have a hard time identifying and expressing their emotions. Shame is probably the most powerful triggering emotion for addicts. Often confused with guilt, which is the negative feeling tied to wrong behavior, shame is a much deeper sense that we are fundamentally worthless and unacceptable. Anything that triggers our shame is sure to kick off a strong pull to act out.
Being aroused by certain physical/visual or even emotional stimulus is not abnormal. However, addicts take it a step further and engage in acting out behavior. Acting out repeatedly over time hard-wires our brains to associate arousal of any sort with our acting out behaviors. All arousal, regardless of the trigger, leads us to the same place.
Coming back to our metaphor, these triggers are glaring check engine lights on the dashboard of our consciousness. They indicate places where we may need to grow, establish accountability, forgive ourselves or others, or simply confess past sins in a safe place. The point is to not let the “service required” indicator go unnoticed.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what is going on under the hood the next time you are triggered to act out. It is an essential element of keeping the engine of our sobriety running smoothly.
Get It Together!
Published May 6, 2009 | I attended the Healing for the Soul retreat this past weekend. I have several takeaways to blog about, but wanted to start with this.
On the last morning of the retreat, we had a time where attendees had the opportunity to share their experiences. One man in particular touched my heart. He shared how he went to the gift shop at the retreat center and asked God to lead him to something. He found a small plaque with a poem entitled, “To My Son” or something like that. As the guy read the poem, he struggled many times through heaving tears to continue reading. One time, he reassured himself as he choked back tears, “Get it together!” I couldn’t help but think, “That is together!” When I had the chance to share, I was sure to tell that man he did have it together and it touched my heart.
I understand what he meant when he said, “Get it together!” He had a goal of sharing the poem with us and his deep emotion was hindering him. However, it was his display of emotion, much more than the words of the poem, that impacted those of us listening. I was blessed.
This experience highlighted to me how we stifle ourselves emotionally. The discovery of our brokenness during the process of recovery can be intense. It can at times render you a quivering mess of emotions. But keep this in mind: that is together! The brokenness we discover can really only be put back together when we allow ourselves to grieve it appropriately. Only then can we move on with integrity, knowing we have given our souls the needed ventilation. Getting it together may in truth look like falling apart!
Agape – Divine Love
Published March 19, 2009 | 
C. S. Lewis finishes his book, “The Four Loves” with an amazing treatise of divine love, agape in Greek. Until now, we have looked at the natural loves: storge, philia and eros. These are all to some extent expressed in the natural human experience. Agape, on the other hand, is completely foreign to nature. It is transcendent. So much so that scripture uses this word to describe the very essence of God (see 1 John 4:8, 16).
Old English translations of agape used the word, “charity.” This may be a more correct rendering than the word “love” that has become so ambiguous in contemporary language. But even charity falls short. Charity conveys the idea that agape is a free gift. It does not, however carry the full weight of love that loves the unlovable; unconditional, incorruptible and divine.
Agape is the only love that is inherently holy. All other loves carry with them a danger of corruption, as we have previously discussed. Not so with agape. Lewis characterizes the natural loves as pure only when they have been made an altar for agape to light upon. This brings me to the most terrifying aspect of divine love: the idea of holiness.
According to Lewis, and I suspect he is correct, only agape and that which has been subjected to it will enter heaven in eternity. Any love that I enjoy in this life, toward my wife, children, family and friends as examples, must be converted, in a sense, to agape if it is to endure. Only that which is holy can stand in God’s presence and only divine love can pass muster. The love I feel in this life must be yielded to the love of Christ. As he expresses his divine love through my natural love, it becomes something more than natural. It becomes supernatural; charged with his essence, which is agape.
In a wonderful way, divine love can only be given to another if it is first received. We can only give agape to the extent we have received it from God himself. Because God characterizes himself as love, receiving divine love is nothing less than receiving him. The deeper I invite Jesus Christ into my heart and life, the deeper the reservoir of divine love from which I may draw upon to nourish the hearts of others.
As this blog is primarily about sexual purity, I will close by briefly pointing out that divine love is the only power strong enough to counter the primary element of human depravity: shame. My counselor, among others, believes shame is the most powerful of negative human emotions. It is the root of enormous human sorrow and suffering. Furthermore, it is the ultimate root of addiction. For no other reason would anyone subject themselves to dangerous, compulsive behavior than shame, evidenced by the self-loathing all honest addicts will attest to.
Free, unconditional, divine love renders shame powerless. It reminds me of TILT on a pinball machine. God’s love shakes the foundation of man’s depravity to its core and leaves him with the same choice posed to Israel in ancient times. Before us is set life (love) and death (shame) for the choosing (see Deut. 30:11-20).
Today I choose life…I choose love!
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