Posts Tagged ‘family’

The XXXChurch.com Couples Blog has a great post about how porn use affects the whole family, and in particular children.

A Child’s Observation

Have you ever noticed your kid(s) doing something that was wrong and you tell them “don’t do that?” Then they reply “but, you did it.” Now if you’re a parent I’m pretty sure that most of you have heard that same thing come out of your kid(s) mouth. Below is a piece of a blog I recently stumbled across.

“A friend was hurt and angry when his 16-year-old daughter left home and, for 18 months, slept with every male she could get her hands on.  While I was counseling her, it almost seemed she was bragging about her sexual popularity.  Her Dad was angry at the world, but, having known him for years, I knew the problem was closer to home.  You see, for most of the time she was growing up, he had the Playboy bunny logo (rabbit’s head) on his keychain, dangling from the steering column everywhere he drove her.  By this, and probably other signals, Dad communicated to his daughter what was important. Sure, there were other factors, but her behavior after 16 was, in many ways, a fulfillment of years of programming.”

Children notice and take note of everything we do. They look up to their parents because we are their role models and the person they look to for answers. They absorb everything they see us do in order to form opinions, actions and thoughts.

Guys, when you’re with your buddies and you’re talking openly about girls; your son will use this as an example how to treat girls he meets throughout his life. Ladies, the shows that you watch where women sleeps with or hooks up with various partners; your daughter will use this when she gets into relationships with guys and think that this is the norm. What we do as parents will be observed by our children and they see everything. Even though we think they are not looking, they are and they notice everything their role model does.

Marriage by Example

Brian and I were not happy at all in our marriage and we had grown further apart. He was angry all of the time and just not the man that I had married. This was not something that was hidden from people any more and our children saw it first hand almost on a daily schedule. Frustrations and hurt feelings were driving us apart. I thought that the stress of work and not ever having enough money was really getting to Brian.

Kids are like students in a class room and we are the teachers who provide information on how to be adults & couples. The display that Brian and I were providing for our children was sending mixed messages. One moment things were good and then, we were fighting again. Whether it was because he was never home or because of our bills which were in part do to porn pay sites. When Brian and I would fight it would trickle down to the kids through my attitude. One of the kids would do something just a little bit annoying and already being upset I would snap back at the kids.

We also never really showed true affection to each other in front of our kids because he never would want to hold hands, gently kiss me or just hold me in front of the kids. Instead all he ever waned to do was have sex and you just don’t do that in front of your children. It is ok to show your children that you love each other through public affection.

“Your Dirty Little Secret”

The average age that a child sees porn for the first time is now at the age of 11 and is getting younger. The scary thing is that in order for it to be an average there had to be a balance of kids viewing porn at a younger age as well.

I read so many confessions that start out with how that person’s addiction got started. The number one way that people are introduced to pornography is by looking at their parents porn stash that they find. As parents Darcy and I often talk about what traits, habits, and morals we will pass on to our children. Things like faith, manners, kindness, hard working, and loving are words that we often use during these conversations. Your love for porn is not one that I think anyone wants to pass down. How ever this is exactly what can happen when we do not remove it from our lives.

I am not just talking about the magazines, movies, or books that you may be hiding but, also your computer usage. Your habits and usage on the internet is used in the favor of the pornographer and is their opportunity to bombard your email with advertisements for porn. Not only is your address in the computer but, so are those of your children. Next thing you know porn links are being emailed to them because of your quick visit to a porn site.

Not only do you have the email to worry about but, your history is a major link between kids and their parent’s porn habits. You may only be a casual user or you may be addicted to it. It does not matter it still has a way of working its way into our children’s lives. How would you feel if your child posted a confession here that they were addicted to porn and their confession starts out; “It all started when I found my parents porn.”?

My children are younger and to explain to them what their dad was doing wouldn’t be right; yet. My son knows that for some time his dad was absent from his life on a regular basis. I was also a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at the drop of a hat making him scared of how I’d react next. I was always on edge afraid of getting caught by someone. Now, I did not tell him that porn was the reason I acted out the way that I did. I did how ever sit down with him apologize asking for his forgiveness for the way I acted toward him and his sister. I missed out on a lot of things in their lives and I will never be able to get that time back but, I can make sure that it never happens again. You are never alone in your actions what you do affects everything and everyone around you; even your children.

Family Time

The main thing that I have seen in our family time is that it has become enjoyable. There are no weird feelings or anxieties in the air. Brian and I are able to show love toward one another now and have it be true feelings. With things settled down the time together is more pleasant, less yelling and screaming at one another. We are able to enjoy all of what God has given to us, knowing what life was like before Brian’s recovery started, I am thankful for every new day with our family.

This was originally posted at the blog for InternetSafety.com, a leading producer of online safety software.

Robi Sonderegger, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized clinical psychologist who is increasing awareness all over the globe about the psychological harm inflicted by pornography.

We asked Dr. Robi, who has a strong background in developmental psychology, how early exposure to pornography can affect a child’s mental development, and what role it can play in determining their sexual inclinations later in life. The answer might shock you.

Having defined storge love as familial affection in the previous post, I have been thinking about how this kind of love, or the lack of it, has played out in my own experience.

I did not grow up in an affectionate family. Storge was not commonplace as expressed in parental hugs, kisses and the like. Like any boy, I craved the attention, but it was ever absent.

When I was very young, about eight years old, I was exposed to pornography; not as an accidental discovery, but rather intentionally by my father who decided a Playboy centerfold was a great way to teach me about the birds and the bees. I was immediately captivated. He always had porn magazines on the bookshelf easily accessible.

What I was looking at appeared to be love. Two people, be it a man and a woman or in many of these mens’ magazines a woman and a woman, were showing what to me seemed to be affection and love. Without any guidance on these matters, it was cemented in my young heart that sex and love were synonymous. Furthermore, affection of any sort from a woman became sexually charged.

Since getting married my wife has many times expressed her feelings of pressure; that any expressions of affection must lead to sex. I have to confess the arousal that I often feel. I am growing in this area. Through this study of love I am learning that there are different kinds of love.

Only agape, which is for another writing, is love of a type that cannot be corrupted by the flesh. For me, storge love, defined as affection, has been hijacked by the loss of innocence in my formative years. Now I as a man am standing up to reclaim it and show affection in the way God intended it to be: a display of my love with no ulterior motives, only to communicate my familiar affection to my wife, family and friends!

One of my favorite Bible teachers is Chip Ingram. I’ve been listening to him for about a decade now on and off. I follow his blog and came across a post today well worth sharing.

Chip explained that live is all about relationships. I wholeheartedly agree. He recommends asking ourselves these questions to do a check-up of where we stand with the most important relationships in our lives.

The original blog post can be found on Chip’s Blog.

Where do you stand?

Relationship with God

• Am I surrendered? Am I experiencing His presence?
• Am I loving Him more deeply? Am I enjoying Him more fully?
• Are there any barriers? Do I sense His pleasure?
• Am I motivated to meet with Him? Am I practicing His presence throughout the day?

Relationship with Family

• As a husband, am I loving my wife the way Christ loves the Church?
• As a wife, am I respecting my husband in a way that honors and encourages him?
• Are we making time for one another and our family?
• As a dad, am I leading my family spiritually?
• As a mother, am I nurturing and encouraging my children’s relationship with one another?
• As child/student, am I honoring my parents?
• As an adult child, am I honoring my elderly parents?
• Am I communicating with my family regularly? Do I pray for my family members and encourage them?

Relationship with Friends

• As a friend, do I love at all times and am I the kind of person who is born to help another person through adversity? (Proverbs 17:17)
• Am I sharpening and helping my friend’s growth in Christ?
• Am I speaking the truth in love? Am I critical or encouraging?
• Am I taking time out to nurture relationships and dig deep wells of relationships in the midst of busy work and life schedules?
• Am I being honest with what’s really going on inside of me?
• Am I a good roommate? Do I communicate honestly and from the heart on a regular basis with those I call friends?
• Am I looking for what I give in relationships or only what I can get?

Relationship with Myself

• Am I taking time for me?
• Am I stewarding well my physical body?  Am I getting enough sleep, eating the right food, and exercising?
• Am I cultivating the intellectual side of my life?
• Am I living an unhurried life?
• Am I coming to accept God’s unconditional love and understanding of me when I fail?
• Am I learning to set clear boundaries for those people who have unrealistic expectations for my life?
• Have I discovered my primary spiritual gift and know clearly my strengths and weaknesses?