We Support
We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world–your mind and heart–put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Matthew 5:8 The Message
“No matter what we do or where we hide, we can’t escape our essential design. We long to be free of shame’s restraints, immersed in the passion of giving and receiving. We long to live a sacrificial life that matters today and tomorrow.”
- Dan Allender Ph D
It is a good idea for us to review our Step Four inventory along with our sponsor or counselor. When doing this review with an open mind and heart, we can begin to see how difficult emotions can be triggers for our addictions. While emotions can be our triggers, our character defects are the building blocks of addiction, and our self-centeredness is the cement which holds our addictive nature together. We will never find the freedom to recover and live well until we remove all of these addictive components from within us.
In reviewing our inventory, we can see how our character defects began innocently when we were children. They were our means of survival. We learned to manipulate to get our needs met. We lied to protect ourselves. We hid our emotions to avoid embarrassment and shame. We rationalized things in order to escape ugly realities that were too much for us to bear alone. Our character defects are really ineffective tools for coping and control. They are our methods of minimizing pain and diffusing threats that we see coming our way. Without realizing it, our character defects have become a kind of strategy to care for ourselves when are afraid that no one else will.
We may feel afraid when we think of losing our defective coping mechanisms. After all, we have, at least to some degree, subconsciously thought that our character defects were important for us to survive. Thinking this way, we will subconsciously mourn the thought of having our character defects removed from us. Because letting go of our character defects can be painful, it is important that we lean on those who have been working at recovery longer than we have. Those who have more experience will understand our pain and fear. Fearing the loss of a coping mechanism is understandable, but it is essential for us to grieve these losses without complaint so that we can effectively move on down the path of recovery.
Exercising courage makes it possible to learn new and healthy ways to live our lives without resorting to the addictions that we have relied on in the past. With courage, we trade our destructive emotions and addictions for the simple gift of gratitude. Gratitude posts a guard at the door of our hearts, which is to be accessed only by God and those whom He allows. Gratitude will help us to be thankful for life as it is, not how we wish it or expect it to be. Today and every day, we stand at a crossroad. But we don’t stand alone. Our recovery fellowship stands with us. Even better, the Source of all power, God, has joined the battle for us to live a new way, to become new people, to be free.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery?
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment Five
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
2 Comments
The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 5: Accountability
What is it and how does it work?
In this episode, we define accountability and talk about two different models of accountability.
2 CommentsWe at Pure Community want to wish you a Happy New Year. I pray that 2011 will bring more of Christ into your heart; that His word will reign in your thoughts; and that the purity of Jesus will express itself in your life.
I cannot think of a better passage to build our lives upon than the Beatitudes from Matthew 5:3-10.
“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.
“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.
“You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world – your mind and heart – put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
“You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.
“You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.
I was reading these in The Message this morning and was struck by how counter-cultural this teaching really is.
No one wants to be at the end of their rope or lose the things most dear to them. But Jesus says that is when we are blessed!
We all struggle to be content with who we are, genuinely caring for others rather than living selfishly, living with a pure heart and cooperation. But that is what Jesus exhorts us to live out.
It is my genuine prayer that everyone who calls Jesus “Lord and Savior” will find these traits expressing themselves more and more!
Happy New Year!
Don’t Let Your Lust Go Unaccounted For!
A while ago we blogged about identifying the biggest triggers for our lust. The point of that blog post was to encourage us to proactively identify what the main triggers for our lust may be and put guardrails in place to safeguard us from them.
Triggers can be very different from person to person, but generally fall into two categories:
- Physical Triggers (people, places, things)
- Emotional Triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)
One of the most important aspects of recovery from porn/sex addiction is taking the time after a “slip” to process what happened. What were the specific triggers leading up to this particular episode?
Using the categories of physical and emotional triggers, we can gain valuable insight into our addiction after giving in to sin. Looking at it differently, you could say that it is discovering what the enemy used to gain access to our lives in this instance. Furthermore, over time we will see patterns emerging. This information about our addiction is absolutely necessary if we are to find real, lasting freedom from sexual sin.
Here are some questions that may be helpful when looking back and processing a fall. When answering them, don’t think just about the exact time that you acted out, but think about the last week or so leading up to it.
Physical Triggers
- What places did I go to that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including places online)?
- What people did I encounter that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings?
- What things did I come across that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including things online)?
Emotional Triggers
- What specific feelings have I wanted to escape or numb myself to? How long have I had these feelings?
- What has my mood or attitude been like? What has contributed to my mood or attitude?
- What feelings of anger or frustration have I been feeling? What is the cause of that anger or frustration? Who is involved?
- What feelings of resentment am I feeling? Who are those feelings directed toward?
- What stressful circumstances have I been dealing with? How have these contributed to the feelings I listed above?
- What have my predominant thoughts been focused upon? How do these thoughts mesh with the feelings and circumstances I listed above?
- What thoughts have specifically led to fantasy and arousal? How long have I been entertaining these thoughts? What feelings and circumstances have been in play since I have entertained these thoughts?
The next step is to decide what you are going to do with this information. How can you use it to help protect yourself from giving into sin in the future? What do you need to pray for wisdom and strength to guard against? Where do you need to specifically shore up your accountability? What do you need to avoid altogether?
Taking the time to carefully and courageously reflect upon our physical and emotional triggers is a non-negotiable aspect of recovery from addiction. Make a pact with yourself and your accountability network that you will always take the time to complete such an inventory when you give in to your lust. Don’t wait days or weeks to process your slip. Our addictive minds quickly cover up all of this junk when we act out. Take advantage of the time fresh from a fall, when your emotions are still raw and your conscience is screaming, to reflect upon what happened. You will not regret it!
I was really struck reading Psalm 19 this morning. I thought I’d share this passage and let it stand as-is!
12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
13 Keep me from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.
14 May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I’m single-minded in pursuit of you; don’t let me miss the road signs you’ve posted. I’ve banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won’t sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, GOD; train me in your ways of wise living. Psalm 119:10-12 The Message
“When our desire is focused on loving God and others, we will realize our deepest longings for life fulfilled.” – An Anonymous Recovering Alcoholic
Reversing the Past
None of us will ever eliminate our character defects on our own, no matter how hard we try. While it is not possible for us to remove our character defects on our own, we can learn to change the way we think, the way we act and the way we live our lives. Letting go of character defects is never passive. Like everything else we do in recovery, character change requires action. Personal growth and change is a divine interaction between God’s grace and our choices. When we change our actions, we interrupt habitual patterns of thinking, believing and feeling. Motion changes emotion!
If we are willing to change, we will not make the same mistakes time after time. It takes some practice, but with a little commitment and a few failures (which we will want to share with another person), the changes to the way we think, the way we feel and the way we act will begin to come quite quickly. People from religious backgrounds call this repentance and that’s exactly what it is. Grassroots, down and dirty, rubber meets the road repentance. The simplest definition of repentance is to “change one’s mind.” It’s an about face. Turning and going in the other direction. Whatever you call it, it works.
Scripture offers an overwhelming abundance of practical insight and guidance for those of us who are looking for renewal and strength. There are some things that just cannot be said any better than the way Scripture has already said it.
“And so I insist – and God backs me up on this – that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty- headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion. But that’s no life for you! You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.” Ephesians 4:19 – 23 The Message
Any questions?
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment Seven
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
I am realizing more than ever that purity is a lifestyle. It’s not the result of a single decision we make to be sexually pure. Rather, purity is the result of the little decisions I make each and every day.
From an addiction standpoint, the decisions that lead to purity aren’t simply to avoid objects of lust and arenas of temptation. It is more than that. The decision to maintain my spiritual, emotional, physical and mental health are paramount. I have to decide to take care of myself, which is so foreign to someone who has been steeped in the shame of addiction.
A great question was posted on the forum at Higher-Calling.com. I felt that it was worth sharing.
“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’”
2 Cor. 12:9a NKJVHow do I make this exchange? What does it look like in practice? Your input please.
Here was my response:
Great question, Paul. Thanks for asking. I have some thoughts about it. I will be the first to admit that I don’t do this perfectly or even as well as I would like. But here goes…
As with anything, this exchange has to begin with faith. If we don’t trust that this is available to us for some reason, then it will ultimately be ineffective in our lives. We have to allow the words of Jesus to be what they are – transcendent. They transcend our shame, our feelings of inadequacy, our circumstances, our hurts, our flesh, our temptations and everything else that would tempt us to believe that Jesus’ grace is not sufficient for us. The wonderful thing about this verse is that it acknowledges the very things that made up my previous list…our weaknesses.
Another observation is that Jesus said his grace is sufficient, not the law, our discipline or anything other than free, undeserved blessings and favor of God.
The context for this verse is wonderful as well. Paul is pleading for God to take away this “thorn in his side.” There is a lot of speculation as to what the thorn was. We really don’t know and so we can only conclude that what it actually was is not an important detail. What is important is that God reframed the reality of this fleshly haunt of Paul’s into a blessing…something that God allowed to remain in order to keep Paul humble.
Why is this so wonderful? Because Paul’s default response was not condemnation and shame, but humility. He saw his fleshly issues, whatever they were, as a reason to walk in humility before God and probably more importantly before other people. After Paul asked God to remove this issue from him and God did not, Paul took it in stride and accepted it as a blessing. When was the last time we saw suffering as a blessing?
Here is the full passage in The Message. A little context – Paul had just described some amazing revelations of Heaven that God had given to him in the previous verses.
Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
- 2 Cor. 12:7-10 (The Message)
After being in recovery for a while, you realize that addiction of any sort, porn/sexual addiction included, is an attempt to meet legitimate needs through illegitimate means. The way we define sexual addiction on the Purity Report FAQ further explains this perspective.
With that in mind, I have come to believe that temptation to engage in acting out behavior is like the check engine light on the dashboard of my car. The pull toward pornography is an indicator that I need to check under the hood.
In recovery terms, this is known as identifying your triggers. The acronym HALT is a well-known list of common triggers (Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired). This article further explains HALT.
It is very helpful to identify triggers in two categories: visual/physical or emotional. HALT identifies two physical triggers (hungry or tired) and two emotional triggers (angry or lonely). Seeing a person or picture with certain physical attributes or wearing specific clothing can visually trigger arousal.
Emotional triggers are much more difficult to identify. In part this is because addicts are generally not connected to their emotional selves and therefore have a hard time identifying and expressing their emotions. Shame is probably the most powerful triggering emotion for addicts. Often confused with guilt, which is the negative feeling tied to wrong behavior, shame is a much deeper sense that we are fundamentally worthless and unacceptable. Anything that triggers our shame is sure to kick off a strong pull to act out.
Being aroused by certain physical/visual or even emotional stimulus is not abnormal. However, addicts take it a step further and engage in acting out behavior. Acting out repeatedly over time hard-wires our brains to associate arousal of any sort with our acting out behaviors. All arousal, regardless of the trigger, leads us to the same place.
Coming back to our metaphor, these triggers are glaring check engine lights on the dashboard of our consciousness. They indicate places where we may need to grow, establish accountability, forgive ourselves or others, or simply confess past sins in a safe place. The point is to not let the “service required” indicator go unnoticed.
Take a few minutes to reflect on what is going on under the hood the next time you are triggered to act out. It is an essential element of keeping the engine of our sobriety running smoothly.
This is reposted from Pastor Steven Furtick’s blog
We have several patches of unusually green, extremely tall grass in our front yard.
We also have a problem with our septic system. It leaks into the aforementioned part of the yard, where the grass grows tall and green.There is a direct correlation:
The place where the crap runs the deepest
is the place where the grass grows the greenest.(It’s a stretch, but…)
The same is true in our lives.
The more crap we go through, the more we grow.James said it in a more profound and appropriate way:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
(James 1:2-3)Thought for the day:
Deep crap=Green grass
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