The Emotional Cup diagram is reproduced with permission from Intimate Life Ministries

This diagram illustrates a concept called “Emotional Capacity.” The idea is that we can only hold so much emotion. Think of our emotional capacity as a cup. It is full of all sorts of different emotions. Some positive, some negative. The point is that when we are filled up with negative emotion, our ability to experience positive emotion is significantly diminished.

It is very important for us to go through whatever steps are necessary to drain our emotional cup of as much negative emotion as possible. In doing so, we greatly increase our capacity for positive emotions. Notice in the diagram that “Positive Emotions” only represents a small portion of the cup. As the other negative portions grow, the positive section shrinks. Conversely, as the negative portions are eliminated the positive capacity increases.

Another important point is that our cups are filled with some very OLD emotions that have settled way down to the bottom. Unless emotions are “emoted” (expressed, felt, experienced and validated) we will continue to carry them around. These emotions become breeding grounds for more negative feelings that bubble to the surface. When we are “squeezed” by life, all of the unhealthy things popping out of the top of the cup are what we get. (I think we know what that thing is for us who struggle with sexual integrity.) This is the “baggage” we have all heard about. We are all walking around with this junk lodged in our hearts.

This diagram and analogy has been EXTREMELY helpful to me in understanding the anthropology of addiction. We are humans and as such we are emotional creatures. Show me the coldest of people and I will show you someone with a full emotional cup; full of hurt, anger and fear that they have learned to shut themselves off to. In denying ourselves the opportunity to express negative emotion, we also rob ourselves of the joy of experiencing positive emotion. Addiction is a way to numb ourselves to the negative emotions we have been carrying around.

At the bottom of the cup notice there is HURT. We numb the pain with our addiction. It is the hurt, the pain, the negative emotions that fuel our addiction. It is not a flaw in us, it is our humanity straining to express itself; our silenced emotions crying out to be heard. That is why when we stop acting out we can feel so incredibly bad. After the numbing effect of acting out wears off, the emotions rise to the surface. The key is to feel them, express them, talk about them, and empty our souls of them. In doing so, we chip away at the bedrock of our addiction.

I know this is deep, but it very relevant to the process of recovery. Have you ever noticed how much better you feel about life when you feel good about yourself? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you confess you are struggling to someone else? Have you ever noticed how much better you feel when you forgive someone from the heart and stop carrying around the bitterness? You are experiencing this concept first-hand.

Let’s keep on this road so our lives can be as full of joy as possible. The Discussion Forum at The Purity Report is a great place to unload some of our negative emotions. It is meant to be a safe place for us to support one another in this endeavor.

Really take some time to study this diagram and ponder how the concept of emotional capacity has played out in your own life.

God Bless!

David Zailer posted an extremely good update to his blog today.

http://operationintegritydaily.blogspot.com/2010/08/recovering-healthy-relationship-with.html

Here are a few quotes from the article. They are in the context of doing a Step 4 inventory of our past sins.

No matter how we may rationalize it differently, our addictions have been destroying us. Part of the insanity of addiction is how we tend to minimize the damage that our addictions do.

…

We look ourselves over much like we would examine a part of our body that is hurting. We do it with care, in a nurturing way.

…

We need to understand that addictions grow because of self-centeredness. Addiction is not the cause of moral failings nor is it a moral failing in and of itself. Addiction, and any subsequent moral failings are caused by spiritual and emotional longings that have gone unmet. Because of this, it is critical that we see how we have contributed to our own spiritual and emotional deprivation. For you see, our addictions take hold of us as we seek to meet needs that we cannot meet and escape pain that is too much for us to handle on our own. Sadly, in addiction, the very things that we have used to escape our pain actually increase our pain. Then, addictions grow and deepen all the more.

I was really struck reading Psalm 19 this morning. I thought I’d share this passage and let it stand as-is!

12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults.

13 Keep me from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.

14 May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

Being part of a recovery fellowship on an ongoing basis will provide us with many opportunities to hear others tell about how they have suffered because of their addictions and what it has been like for them to find recovery. One of the most incredible and amazing things that we will ever experience in a meeting is when someone shares how he or she has become grateful for having had addictions. In recovery, it is possible for the pain of our addictions to become a great motivator in our lives. Pain keeps us moving forward, compelling us to keep reaching out to find answers for the pain and troubles of life. As we recover, we find a very simple but profound solution. The solution is for us to want God, and what He has to give us, more than we want what we, or our addictions, can provide us. This new kind of God-given desire helps us to see that pain is not our enemy and we don’t need to run from it anymore. As we become wiling to face the day-to-day pains of life our pain and difficulties are transformed into powerful assets of learning and growth. Embracing pain as a learning opportunity brings us face to face with God’s work of redemption, a work that is only available to those who have the deep, pliable humility that soaks out of a desperate and dying pain.

We all seem to want more out of life than what we can provide for ourselves. Not only do we fail to supply ourselves with the things that we think will make us happy; our addictions prove that we fail to provide ourselves with a satisfying level of interpersonal and spiritual connectedness, too. We all fall short. We all fail to meet our own needs. By recognizing how we have failed to meet our own needs, no matter how hard we tried, we can see that the things that we’ve been addicted to are not our biggest problem. Our real problem is who we are. We are all in need of a complete, interpersonal overhaul, starting with the very core of our minds, our hearts and our innermost character.

Our addictions grow from a deep personal longing inside of us that silently cries out to be touched. When our deep longing goes untouched, we cry out all the more in ever deeper ways, craving with an ever-increasing intensity for more of the things that brought us relief in the past. This is how our addictions take hold of us. Deep-rooted painful feelings of uselessness, worthlessness and loneliness can be the triggers that send us back to our addictions time after time. With our longing unsatisfied, and after numerous and repeated attempts to do the right thing, invariably we fail, once again, falling ever deeper into our addictions. Desperate, over time, we become wholly and completely dissatisfied with who we are and with the way that we have lived our lives. Our good intentions and our failures have simmered together until, finally, with God’s help, we become entirely ready to be recreated into a fundamentally different kind of person. We are sick and tired of being sick and tired. We are convinced that we will never satisfy our own innermost needs. Staying the same is no longer acceptable to us. We want to be different. Deep in our hearts we know that if we do not humbly make the choice to change, we will eventually die still wallowing in our addictions.

This profound misery and discontent is the birth point of a new healthier desire – a desire based not on our previous loves or lusts, but more on a healthy and compelling desire, to experience new life inside of us. The pain of our addictions helps us to understand that we really don’t need things to change but it is the “I”, the “ME”, the “WE” that need to change. We are no longer satisfied with just being healed from our addictions. We want to have our complete and total self reformatted and changed by the perfect design of God.

Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity Chapter Six Segment One Copyright David Zailer, 2008 Operation Integrity 24040 Camino del Avion #A115 Monarch Beach CA 92629 1-800-762-0430 operationintegrity@cox.net

I had to share this. It is from Lazaroo (www.lazaroo.com) a daily prayer devotional to which I subscribe. It is very relevant to the way I feel about my own struggle with porn addiction. Without it, I would not be the man I am today…

“Therefore I will make Samaria a heap of rubble, a place for planting vineyards. I will pour her stones into the valley and lay bare her foundations.” (Micah 1:6)

I’ve been there before, Jesus.

reduced to rubble all my stones poured into the valley

not one of them left stacked on another my foundations laid absolutely bare.

It may have been the hardest time of my life.

I fought it hated it

couldn’t escape it couldn’t understand it

I thought You had utterly forsaken me.

People wrote me off.

I wrote myself off.

But after all the agony, desperation and fireworks

I survived. I’m still here.

Looking back…

it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Now I know I have nothing to fear when they lay bare my foundations

so long as my Foundation

is You.

Brian and Darcy on the Couple’s Blog at XXXChurch.com just posted a bit of their story. It is really worth the read; both as a wife or a man struggling with porn addiction.

Thank you Brian and Darcy for being so open about what God has brought you through. Your courage is inspiring and your transparency will help a lot of people begin opening up about their own struggles.