Posts Tagged ‘intimacy’

For those of us who are married, you know that investing in the relationship with our mate is one of the most profitable activities we can do. MarriedLife, a ministry devoted to helping people experience the individual growth necessary for a healthy marriage, has kicked off a campaign called The Great Date Experiment. This is how they introduce it.

Most of us want to spend time with our spouse, but most of us don’t spend enough time with our spouse. When we do get time together, a lot of us experience the classic, “What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?”

So, your task if you choose to accept it: go to the site, download a date and invest in your marriage!

I got the last of the ScreamFree Marriage email mini-seminar today. It has a lot of really helpful little nuggets. You can see it in entirety here.

For who struggle and are married, you know that your marriage can be one of your biggest supports and biggest triggers to act out. Take the time to invest in yourself and your marriage!

C. S. Lewis finishes his book, “The Four Loves” with an amazing treatise of divine love, agape in Greek. Until now, we have looked at the natural loves: storge, philia and eros. These are all to some extent expressed in the natural human experience. Agape, on the other hand, is completely foreign to nature. It is transcendent. So much so that scripture uses this word to describe the very essence of God (see 1 John 4:8, 16).

Old English translations of agape used the word, “charity.” This may be a more correct rendering than the word “love” that has become so ambiguous in contemporary language. But even charity falls short. Charity conveys the idea that agape is a free gift. It does not, however carry the full weight of love that loves the unlovable; unconditional, incorruptible and divine.

Agape is the only love that is inherently holy. All other loves carry with them a danger of corruption, as we have previously discussed. Not so with agape. Lewis characterizes the natural loves as pure only when they have been made an altar for agape to light upon. This brings me to the most terrifying aspect of divine love: the idea of holiness.

According to Lewis, and I suspect he is correct, only agape and that which has been subjected to it will enter heaven in eternity. Any love that I enjoy in this life, toward my wife, children, family and friends as examples, must be converted, in a sense, to agape if it is to endure. Only that which is holy can stand in God’s presence and only divine love can pass muster. The love I feel in this life must be yielded to the love of Christ. As he expresses his divine love through my natural love, it becomes something more than natural. It becomes supernatural; charged with his essence, which is agape.

In a wonderful way, divine love can only be given to another if it is first received. We can only give agape to the extent we have received it from God himself. Because God characterizes himself as love, receiving divine love is nothing less than receiving him. The deeper I invite Jesus Christ into my heart and life, the deeper the reservoir of divine love from which I may draw upon to nourish the hearts of others.

As this blog is primarily about sexual purity, I will close by briefly pointing out that divine love is the only power strong enough to counter the primary element of human depravity: shame. My counselor, among others, believes shame is the most powerful of negative human emotions. It is the root of enormous human sorrow and suffering. Furthermore, it is the ultimate root of addiction. For no other reason would anyone subject themselves to dangerous, compulsive behavior than shame, evidenced by the self-loathing all honest addicts will attest to.

Free, unconditional, divine love renders shame powerless. It reminds me of TILT on a pinball machine. God’s love shakes the foundation of man’s depravity to its core and leaves him with the same choice posed to Israel in ancient times. Before us is set life (love) and death (shame) for the choosing (see Deut. 30:11-20).

Today I choose life…I choose love!

Eros is not only a word in Greek used to describe romantic love. In Greek mythology, Eros was the god of love and son of the goddess Aphrodite. He is synonymous with the Roman god Cupid, often depicted as a naked, winged boy with bow and arrow.

Most of us have seen cartoons of such a character firing his arrow into an unwitting guy who is suddenly struck with an insatiable compulsion to seek out the object of love’s spell. The lovestruck suitor loses all self control and is at the mercy of base, animal instincts. It would seem to me that such legend exists because of the incredible strength of sexual desire.

I have to admit, there have been times when the draw to consume pornography or reach sexual release was so great it seemed as if I were on autopilot; practically unable to resist the temptation. Most who find themselves in the pitiable state of addiction to porn or sex will attest to similar loss of self control. It would seem as if something has pierced the heart, driving the compulsion. However, rather than an arrow flung from the bow of some chubby baby, I submit that the piercing results from moral boundaries crossed repeatedly. Decades of choosing to indulge my lust brought me to the place of virtual powerlessness over it. It was no single arrow, but thousands of tiny slices at my heart. The Assassin of Character Creep had done its work well, and I was the assassin.

It is important to redeem the word love, in particular the type of love known as eros. What I have been describing is not love at all. It is lust and nothing more. Eros is not lust, but a God-given desire meant to passionately bind husband and wife together. Eros is like fire: inside of proper boundaries it is beautiful and adds warmth to those huddled around it. Outside of safe boundaries, it is a wild force that destroys everything it comes in contact with.

Studying “The Four Loves” has helped me draw a clearer distinction between eros and lust. One is a God-given love. The other is a selfish impulse better defined as unlove. Which do you think best fits pop culture’s portrayal of romance?

The third of the loves C. S. Lewis discusses in his book, “The Four Loves“, is Eros. He describes it simply as, “the love between the sexes.” We may recognize it as the root of the word erotic. However, eros is more than mere eroticism.

Eros is the passionate feeling a man or woman feels towards the opposite sex when falling in love with them. It may be described as a feeling of infatuation. Many phrases do eros justice when describing the experience of falling in love, love-struck or being smitten. Eros is exciting, spontaneous, and occurs in ways that captivate the focus of the lover onto his beloved.

It is would be easy to dismiss eros as inherently evil and lustful. This is a mischaracterization of eros, which we must remember is a creation of God. It draws lovers together in a powerful way which culminates in the most intimate of physical acts: the union of sex. The danger with eros is presented when elevated beyond its proper place and expectations are placed upon it which it cannot deliver.

It is clear in our modern society that eros has been both elevated and debased at the same time. It has been elevated as the most important of the loves, which leave us devoid of love because eros is the most fleeting of loves. It has also been debased as little if nothing more than sex. Lewis describes this misplaced attention on love as expecting from a dive what should rather be expected of swimming. Once the rush of the dive has passed, the lover realizes immediately the rush is gone, swimming requires work and conclude they must have dove into the wrong pond!

Eros is mysterious and difficult to define. Even C. S. Lewis had a difficult time describing it. However, any insight we can gain from studying the topic helps us to discern its proper place and apply wisdom to this intense yet most fickle of the loves.

Having defined storge love as familial affection in the previous post, I have been thinking about how this kind of love, or the lack of it, has played out in my own experience.

I did not grow up in an affectionate family. Storge was not commonplace as expressed in parental hugs, kisses and the like. Like any boy, I craved the attention, but it was ever absent.

When I was very young, about eight years old, I was exposed to pornography; not as an accidental discovery, but rather intentionally by my father who decided a Playboy centerfold was a great way to teach me about the birds and the bees. I was immediately captivated. He always had porn magazines on the bookshelf easily accessible.

What I was looking at appeared to be love. Two people, be it a man and a woman or in many of these mens’ magazines a woman and a woman, were showing what to me seemed to be affection and love. Without any guidance on these matters, it was cemented in my young heart that sex and love were synonymous. Furthermore, affection of any sort from a woman became sexually charged.

Since getting married my wife has many times expressed her feelings of pressure; that any expressions of affection must lead to sex. I have to confess the arousal that I often feel. I am growing in this area. Through this study of love I am learning that there are different kinds of love.

Only agape, which is for another writing, is love of a type that cannot be corrupted by the flesh. For me, storge love, defined as affection, has been hijacked by the loss of innocence in my formative years. Now I as a man am standing up to reclaim it and show affection in the way God intended it to be: a display of my love with no ulterior motives, only to communicate my familiar affection to my wife, family and friends!

Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to
your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD.
Psalm 25:6-7

I have recently been painfully reminded of some of the sins of my youth. You see, my wife and I were not pure before marriage. Even years later, I am realizing that there are negative consequences in our relationship. Foundations that should have been laid and wrong expectations that should have been worked through during our dating and engagement are still shaky. We still have conflict around these issues. These problems are exacerbated by my own sexual escapades before becoming a Christian. They greatly skewed my perspective on sex and my mind is still in desperate need of renewal.

I came across this scripture passage today and received some of the comfort that my heart needs. God is merciful and loves us. In Christ, God the Father has forgotten the sins of our past. I need to be reminded of this from time-to-time so that I can walk in my new identity in Christ and not in shame from the sins of my youth.

In the video below, Chip Ingram shares three fundamental lies and the contrasting biblical truth about love and sex. He references a study guide which can be found here.

One of the most interesting parts of the video are the interviews at the very beginning. Many (most?) young people today have a very low view of sex. Rather than something sacred, too often these days sex is merely a pleasurable experience. God designed it to be so much more…

Here are the three lies as Chip lists them. It is important to note that these statements are made regarding sex outside of a healthy marriage.

Lie 1: Sex is necessary to keep a growing relationship.
Truth: Once sex enters into a relationship, it almost always disintegrates instead of getting better.

Lie 2: If we really love each other, sex is sanctified.
Truth: Sex is sanctified only inside the union of biblical marriage.

Lie 3: Having sex is a rite of passage.
Truth: With every sexual encounter you diminish the possibility and capacity to experience true intimacy.

I was reading the blog of Edwin Leap, a physician who writes about medicine, family, and culture, and I found an opinion you don’t hear out there very often. It was based on an observation of a medical chart.

I was looking over a  chart not long ago and saw a combination of medicines that caught my eye.  The young woman I was caring for was taking an oral contraceptive and an antidepressant.  Nothing unusual, except that it occurs to me that I frequently see that combination, especially in high-school and college-aged single women.

I am the first to agree that correlation is not causation. However, that is not an excuse to stop the investigation altogether. Maybe one is not causing the other, but if a correlation exists, then let’s start digging into that. Let’s unpack the correlation and try and discover what is causing the depression, and consequently the need for the antidepressants. Edwin goes further and postulates on one such potential cause.

All women are designed to establish relationships and maintain them.  They are also made to incorporate physical intimacy into the appropriate relationships, rather than have it as a stand-alone activity.  So, when young women are expected to engage in sex without the security of a lasting relationship, without the hope of a lasting connection with their partner, they become uncomfortable. It violates their programming.  Deep inside, in the place they allow very few to see, it breaks their hearts.

Broken hearts can cause depressed minds.  And that, I suspect, is one of the major reasons that so many women are taking antidepressants along with their birth control pills.  Here they are, young, thrilled by life, full of passion and anxious to share their minds, their spirits, even their bodies with someone whom they love.  But once they do, that someone decides that it was fun for a while, but that it’s time to move on to the next person.  Of course young women become depressed.  Why shouldn’t they?

If these things are true, and I think they are, then it makes sense to me that the free gift of sexual freedom is depression.

You can read the full article here.

One of my favorite Bible teachers is Chip Ingram. I’ve been listening to him for about a decade now on and off. I follow his blog and came across a post today well worth sharing.

Chip explained that live is all about relationships. I wholeheartedly agree. He recommends asking ourselves these questions to do a check-up of where we stand with the most important relationships in our lives.

The original blog post can be found on Chip’s Blog.

Where do you stand?

Relationship with God

• Am I surrendered? Am I experiencing His presence?
• Am I loving Him more deeply? Am I enjoying Him more fully?
• Are there any barriers? Do I sense His pleasure?
• Am I motivated to meet with Him? Am I practicing His presence throughout the day?

Relationship with Family

• As a husband, am I loving my wife the way Christ loves the Church?
• As a wife, am I respecting my husband in a way that honors and encourages him?
• Are we making time for one another and our family?
• As a dad, am I leading my family spiritually?
• As a mother, am I nurturing and encouraging my children’s relationship with one another?
• As child/student, am I honoring my parents?
• As an adult child, am I honoring my elderly parents?
• Am I communicating with my family regularly? Do I pray for my family members and encourage them?

Relationship with Friends

• As a friend, do I love at all times and am I the kind of person who is born to help another person through adversity? (Proverbs 17:17)
• Am I sharpening and helping my friend’s growth in Christ?
• Am I speaking the truth in love? Am I critical or encouraging?
• Am I taking time out to nurture relationships and dig deep wells of relationships in the midst of busy work and life schedules?
• Am I being honest with what’s really going on inside of me?
• Am I a good roommate? Do I communicate honestly and from the heart on a regular basis with those I call friends?
• Am I looking for what I give in relationships or only what I can get?

Relationship with Myself

• Am I taking time for me?
• Am I stewarding well my physical body?  Am I getting enough sleep, eating the right food, and exercising?
• Am I cultivating the intellectual side of my life?
• Am I living an unhurried life?
• Am I coming to accept God’s unconditional love and understanding of me when I fail?
• Am I learning to set clear boundaries for those people who have unrealistic expectations for my life?
• Have I discovered my primary spiritual gift and know clearly my strengths and weaknesses?