Purity Bytes Podcast – Episode 2 – What is Sex Addiction?
Published January 19, 2011 | 
The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 2:
What is Sex or Porn Addiction?
How do I know if I am a Sex or Porn Addict?
In this episode, we define sex and porn addiction. We also give a few tools to help you discover if you are addicted to sex and/or pornography.
Posted in Purity Bytes | 
addiction, intimacy, Podcast, porn, Recovery, relationships, sex | 
Leave a commentThe Post Holiday Back-to-Work
Published January 8, 2011 | 
Christmas is all over. The gifts have been opened. The decorations put away. The New Year is here. The fireworks are spent. All the traditions of celebration are gone. Now, it’s time to get back to work. Time to put all that stuff away and get back to the grindstone.
Of course, the exact opposite is true for many. The holidays weren’t a time of great joy or celebration. You may have all sorts of family drama or for whatever reason Christmas is not very festive. Getting back to work is exactly what you have been looking forward to for those weeks while everyone else seemed to be smiling it up.
There are still others who don’t have any work to return to. You’ve been out of work so long it sounds like a fairy tale. Christmas, the gift-giving and receiving, has just been another unwelcome reminder that you don’t have a regular paycheck.
No matter what category you fall into, we can all use a good dose of perspective. What is God’s unchanging view? What is really important and how does that translate into my day-to-day activities?
What comes to mind for me is to focus on the eternal first and surrender the rest of it to God’s control. So what are those eternal things?
I have heard it said that only two things will be in heaven:
- Jesus
- People
That boils down to one word – relationships.
I want my life to be rich in relationships – both with Jesus and others. So while I am packing away the trimmings from the holidays, I am reflecting and mentally packing away the baggage that the holidays can carry. All the family drama, the resentments, hurts and disappointments – I am putting into God’s able hands and seeking His power to surrender and forgive. I am making a mental checklist of all the folks I need to mend things with. I have some awkward conversations to have and some new habits/routines to establish with my wife and kids.
What I am realizing is that the work I need to get back to won’t earn me a paycheck. I am back to work of course, trying to make ends meet. But my heart is mostly wrapped up with the work of repairing, deepening and forming relationships. My connections with Jesus my Savior and other people are the only things that will endure into eternity.
That sure puts things into perspective!
The Desensitization of Porn and Masturbation – Revisited
Published December 29, 2010 | A few months ago we posted the story of a man who had difficulty being aroused by his wife because he had been so desensitized by porn and masturbation. He has graciously given us a continuation of his story.
Last Monday, we had planned to make love. For some reason, I was not responding to the caressing by my wife or anything else we tried during foreplay. It was just not happening. While lying there, I was not greatly angered or frustrated; just disappointed. Again, my wife was supportive and encouraging. Without thinking, I started to discuss with her the contents of what I wrote in the blog without mentioning I had posted it on the Internet, (she would have been OK with this). She fully understood how the affects of chronic porn and masturbation can rewire one’s thinking and desensitization to other forms of sexual stimuli other than porn and masturbation. I mentioned to her that I was trying to focus my attention on her as the only source of sexual stimuli and response and she was encouraged by this. I was just about to say to her that we will try next time, when I felt a sudden peace and urge to try again. I felt God’s presence in the room and I knew then it was His urging and everything would turn out fine! Without saying anything to my wife, I re-started foreplay and found myself getting aroused as I focused my thoughts on her which ended up in us making love. I was pleased, relieved and thankful for God for His peace, urging and enablement.
It just gave me confirmation that I was on the right track and that I have to continue to do eradicate/control/surrender all forms of temptation to Him and concentrate on my wife as my only source of sexual stimuli and satisfaction and therefore keep this in the confines of marital boundaries as God originally intended.
I am not saying it is going to be easy from this point on; it is not, but it has shown me there is hope for me and I don’t have to settle for a lie any more or second rate sexuality, that I can have the sexual and intimate expression of love and relationship God intended and has provided for my wife and I.
Posted in Purity | addiction, behavior, intimacy, marriage, masturbation, porn, sex, Spouses | 2 CommentsHow Can I Save My Marriage? Part 2
Published December 28, 2010 | This is part 2 in a multi-part series.
So, if you’ve made it this far I’m going to assume that you didn’t altogether disagree with part 1. If you thought I was flamboyantly idealistic in the first part then you can relax a little. I have no intention of getting all inspirational and stuff on this one. Actually, I’m going to employ a different tactic and you should probably stop reading now. I’m almost certain you’re going to be offended because I don’t know of a nice way to convince someone to not be a liar.
2. Believe That Promises Should Be Kept
A marriage is a promise at least and a binding contract at most. We make promises and enter into contracts for a reason. I shouldn’t have to say this but feelings are a terrible reason! Would you advise that someone make a lifelong promise because of how they felt for a certain season of life? I hope not. So why then would you choose to break a promise under the same conditions? If you’re trying to solve your way out of a problem I’d like to recommend not using the same toolset that got you into trouble to begin with.
I believe that in most cases this is what divorce is at it’s root: It is a lifelong decision made because of the absence of the feeling recognized as “being in love.” A promise, however, should be kept regardless of the presence, or absence, of this feeling. I can’t be more plain than that.
C.S. Lewis writes:
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.
If you want to save your marriage you have to believe in promises, and not just the ones that others have made to you. Have you not, your whole life, been a staunch advocate for others to keep their promises to you?
Haven’t you?
Another question, how many of the arguments that moved your marriage to this point were caused because your spouse broke a promise to you?
I see.
Look. All I am asking, or rather all I am challenging you to do, is esteem your own promises above all others or shut up already about what anyone else owes you.
If you want to save your marriage you need to believe that promises should be kept. Especially yours. Especially when it’s hard.
Reproduced with permission of dewde.com
Posted in marriage | character, family, intimacy, marriage, relationships, Spouses | Leave a commentHow Can I Save My Marriage? Part 1
Published December 17, 2010 | 
This is part 1 of a multi-part series.
I’ve never had to rescue my marriage from the jaws of divorce so everything I am about to write can be chalked up to idle speculation and whimsy.
Last year I watched two dear, close, married friends casually realize that they were no longer in love with each other. They were happy and successful at the time and they just sort of grew apart. You know how it is, things change, people change, it just happens. It was nobody’s fault really and the divorce proceedings were quite amicable. Remarkably, their friendship has actually been strengthened by the whole thing.
Last year I watched two dear, close, married friends emotionally rape each other for a while, tire of it, and then do the only sensible and humane thing. They wrestled their wedding vows into a sack, dragged them off into the woods squealing and thrashing, bound them to a stump, and blew their collective brains out.
One of these two stories is true and it really doesn’t matter to me which one. I don’t want either to be the story that my kids recite about themselves when catching up with long lost friends. So, in the event that they do face difficult times in marriage, I want to go on the record with how I believe one can be saved.
1. Believe That Love Is Not An Emotion
I heard a man say once that love is not an emotion. What he said was:
“Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of it’s object.”
If this is true then we’ve been taught a lie. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told that love is something that happens to me and not the other way around. It’s something I “fall” into and “fall” out of. That love is quite unpredictable and equally out of my control. I’ve been taught that love is an emotion.
But love is not a feeling. It is grander and more noble a thing than that. Another way to say it is that love is not merely biochemical. It is not a rush of endorphins or the perfect cocktail of serotonin. It sort of sounds silly until you realize that some of the most epic and inspiring acts of love are those that are expressed in direct opposition to personal feelings. Like when a wife forgives her husband’s infidelity, not because she is feeling at all loving or sentimental, but because she is honoring the love she felt in the past and choosing to believe she will feel it again in the future.
Let me tell you about emotions. Emotions go on vacation. They leave and forget to bring you with them. Or they blend in with the scenery like a chameleon so that you cannot detect them. Or they go to work and they stay there, sending your husband home every night without them, so that it seems like he is only alive when he is away from you.
But love? Love is different. Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion. It is more intricate, more ornate, and more holy than a simple feeling could ever aspire to be.
If you want to save your marriage then the first step is to believe that love is not merely an emotion.
Reproduced with permission of dewde.com
Women and Pornography – The Elephant in the Room
Published December 1, 2010 | 
If you are a woman struggling with pornography, this interview with Dr. Jill Manning is very insightful. The majority of porn consumers are men, but the percentage of women using pornography is growing. Latest statistics show that nearly ONE IN THREE visits to internet pornography websites are women.
In it she discusses some of the latest research regarding pornography, its impact on society and how it impacts women specifically. She also talks about how pornography stunts our ability to experience healthy sexual relationships in our marriages.
If you are a man struggling with pornography, this is also a helpful listen to help understand this is not just a mens’ issue. We need to stand up as men and be who God called us to be, which includes our sexuality.
Sanctified – My Love Notes From God
Published November 17, 2010 | The devotional blog, My Love Notes From God, has a thought-provoking post today. It talks about how our culture today looks very similar to ancient Roman culture in its view towards sex. One quote in particular should not go unnoticed.
And let’s not forget the old, commonplace sin of adultery. Blushing over that sin is definitely a thing of the past. Truth be told, adultery is one of the most insidious of them all. It has decimated families and is the likely culprit that has given rise to much of the aforementioned perversion.
The idea that adultery becoming so commonplace has given rise to so many of the other views we have on sex had not occurred to me before. Looking at a swath of 50 years, it is probably right on the money. Broken families result in broken lives Broken lives result in all sorts of coping mechanisms, escapism and risky behavior, particularly in the area of sexuality. Sex is used as an attempt to be loved an accepted because so many of us missed that growing up. It is very easy to equate intimacy with sex and fall into a trap. Multiply that over decades and millions of lives and it’s not hard to see how we ended up where we are culturally.
The Desensitization of Porn and Masturbation
Published October 19, 2010 | A friend of our ministry shared this very transparent testimony with us. We are sharing it with his permission. Masturbation is one of those “gray areas” for a lot of people. But, for many others, it is black-and-white and should be avoided just like pornography. Here’s a quick hint: if you have to justify masturbation to yourself or others, you should seriously consider dispensing with it.
I will explain something I have struggled with for nearly a year. I noticed back then that I was not being stimulated by visual images or by myself and it would take longer and longer for me to get an erection. I also noticed that foreplay between my wife and I was not stimulating either. It got to the stage 2 months ago, where I could not get an erection at all so we could not make love. I was angry and frustrated. My wife was very supportive, encouraging and accepting. It was only a few weeks ago that I discovered what the problem was.
During foreplay this time, after not being able to get an erection, my wife placed her hand on my inner thigh as she was encouraging me with her words and it felt nice, so I asked her to do that again and after a few minutes, I noticed I was getting an erection! So we were able to make love that time. Then I realised what had happened to me. It all made sense. Years of chronic masturbation have desensitized myself to my stimulating myself to the point that it does not work any more. Years of watching porn has done the same, I found myself responding sexually (as in getting an erection) to more and more of different types of porn or sexual positions, sexual activity and these two combined factors were no match to the stimulation in the bedroom between my wife and I. The third factor was that my wife by nature, is not one to show much initiative in foreplay so me having to do most of the work here has gone against me as well.
The next time we got together, she showed much more initiative in using her hand to massage and caress my body and this was more than enough stimulation for me!! She does not mind doing this if it means I get an erection and can then make love. I am so greatly relieved I have found an answer to my dilemma. It does mean though that I have to go cold turkey with masturbation, porn and any other sexual stimulation so that I retrain my brain to respond only to my wife’s touch, foreplay and marital sex only. That is going to take some time but I have to accept that this is the only way to be reprogrammed and back to how God made us in the first place.
I have stumbled to masturbation in the shower at gym however, and I am determined to not let this take me over. I know I can break this temptation and stronghold. I just have to pray before gym, before shower, confess any previous sin, determine to shower only and be in and out as quickly as possible. But I need to focus on God daily not just before the shower at gym. Change my daily discipline.
The 5 Common Types of Sexual Addiction – Part 4
Published September 27, 2010 | Fear of intimacy
Intimacy-aversive (sometimes called “sexual anorexic”) addicts have more trouble with “acting-in” than acting-out in the context of a relationship. This can be evidenced by behaviors that tend to sabotage or erode the intimacy in that primary romantic relationship: withdraw, withholding, blaming, shaming, avoiding, hiding, controlling, etc. Sound familiar? Nearly 40% of all sexual addicts also deal with Intimacy-aversion. There are 3 common roots of Intimacy-aversion: 1) attachment disorder with one or both parents, 2) sexual trauma and 3) reflexive/reaction to the sexually-addictive behaviors.
While I don’t think I personally deal with this type at a significant level, I can see that I was a prime candidate: my relationship with my mother growing up was volatile and with my dad it was shallow; I was sexually traumatized to a significant level as described earlier; and I experienced overwhelming shame guilt and fear towards my wife early on in our marriage because I was still walking in the addiction and acting out. Even today, I have to be on guard for ways that I can tend to subconsciously sabotage the intimacy in our relationship through blaming and controlling, behaviors common amongst those of us dealing with same-gender attractions.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
The Martyrdom of Marriage
Published September 14, 2010 | I read a blog post today called “The Martyrdom of Marriage” that is really worth reading. If you struggle in your marriage please take the time to read it.
http://anam-cara.typepad.com/anam_cara/2010/09/the-martyrdom-of-marriage.html
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