We Support
This is part 1 of a multi-part series.
I’ve never had to rescue my marriage from the jaws of divorce so everything I am about to write can be chalked up to idle speculation and whimsy.
Last year I watched two dear, close, married friends casually realize that they were no longer in love with each other. They were happy and successful at the time and they just sort of grew apart. You know how it is, things change, people change, it just happens. It was nobody’s fault really and the divorce proceedings were quite amicable. Remarkably, their friendship has actually been strengthened by the whole thing.
Last year I watched two dear, close, married friends emotionally rape each other for a while, tire of it, and then do the only sensible and humane thing. They wrestled their wedding vows into a sack, dragged them off into the woods squealing and thrashing, bound them to a stump, and blew their collective brains out.
One of these two stories is true and it really doesn’t matter to me which one. I don’t want either to be the story that my kids recite about themselves when catching up with long lost friends. So, in the event that they do face difficult times in marriage, I want to go on the record with how I believe one can be saved.
1. Believe That Love Is Not An Emotion
I heard a man say once that love is not an emotion. What he said was:
“Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of it’s object.”
If this is true then we’ve been taught a lie. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told that love is something that happens to me and not the other way around. It’s something I “fall” into and “fall” out of. That love is quite unpredictable and equally out of my control. I’ve been taught that love is an emotion.
But love is not a feeling. It is grander and more noble a thing than that. Another way to say it is that love is not merely biochemical. It is not a rush of endorphins or the perfect cocktail of serotonin. It sort of sounds silly until you realize that some of the most epic and inspiring acts of love are those that are expressed in direct opposition to personal feelings. Like when a wife forgives her husband’s infidelity, not because she is feeling at all loving or sentimental, but because she is honoring the love she felt in the past and choosing to believe she will feel it again in the future.
Let me tell you about emotions. Emotions go on vacation. They leave and forget to bring you with them. Or they blend in with the scenery like a chameleon so that you cannot detect them. Or they go to work and they stay there, sending your husband home every night without them, so that it seems like he is only alive when he is away from you.
But love? Love is different. Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion. It is more intricate, more ornate, and more holy than a simple feeling could ever aspire to be.
If you want to save your marriage then the first step is to believe that love is not merely an emotion.
Reproduced with permission of dewde.com
If you are a woman struggling with pornography, this interview with Dr. Jill Manning is very insightful. The majority of porn consumers are men, but the percentage of women using pornography is growing. Latest statistics show that nearly ONE IN THREE visits to internet pornography websites are women.
In it she discusses some of the latest research regarding pornography, its impact on society and how it impacts women specifically. She also talks about how pornography stunts our ability to experience healthy sexual relationships in our marriages.
If you are a man struggling with pornography, this is also a helpful listen to help understand this is not just a mens’ issue. We need to stand up as men and be who God called us to be, which includes our sexuality.
The devotional blog, My Love Notes From God, has a thought-provoking post today. It talks about how our culture today looks very similar to ancient Roman culture in its view towards sex. One quote in particular should not go unnoticed.
And let’s not forget the old, commonplace sin of adultery. Blushing over that sin is definitely a thing of the past. Truth be told, adultery is one of the most insidious of them all. It has decimated families and is the likely culprit that has given rise to much of the aforementioned perversion.
The idea that adultery becoming so commonplace has given rise to so many of the other views we have on sex had not occurred to me before. Looking at a swath of 50 years, it is probably right on the money. Broken families result in broken lives Broken lives result in all sorts of coping mechanisms, escapism and risky behavior, particularly in the area of sexuality. Sex is used as an attempt to be loved an accepted because so many of us missed that growing up. It is very easy to equate intimacy with sex and fall into a trap. Multiply that over decades and millions of lives and it’s not hard to see how we ended up where we are culturally.
A friend of our ministry shared this very transparent testimony with us. We are sharing it with his permission. Masturbation is one of those “gray areas” for a lot of people. But, for many others, it is black-and-white and should be avoided just like pornography. Here’s a quick hint: if you have to justify masturbation to yourself or others, you should seriously consider dispensing with it.
I will explain something I have struggled with for nearly a year. I noticed back then that I was not being stimulated by visual images or by myself and it would take longer and longer for me to get an erection. I also noticed that foreplay between my wife and I was not stimulating either. It got to the stage 2 months ago, where I could not get an erection at all so we could not make love. I was angry and frustrated. My wife was very supportive, encouraging and accepting. It was only a few weeks ago that I discovered what the problem was.
During foreplay this time, after not being able to get an erection, my wife placed her hand on my inner thigh as she was encouraging me with her words and it felt nice, so I asked her to do that again and after a few minutes, I noticed I was getting an erection! So we were able to make love that time. Then I realised what had happened to me. It all made sense. Years of chronic masturbation have desensitized myself to my stimulating myself to the point that it does not work any more. Years of watching porn has done the same, I found myself responding sexually (as in getting an erection) to more and more of different types of porn or sexual positions, sexual activity and these two combined factors were no match to the stimulation in the bedroom between my wife and I. The third factor was that my wife by nature, is not one to show much initiative in foreplay so me having to do most of the work here has gone against me as well.
The next time we got together, she showed much more initiative in using her hand to massage and caress my body and this was more than enough stimulation for me!! She does not mind doing this if it means I get an erection and can then make love. I am so greatly relieved I have found an answer to my dilemma. It does mean though that I have to go cold turkey with masturbation, porn and any other sexual stimulation so that I retrain my brain to respond only to my wife’s touch, foreplay and marital sex only. That is going to take some time but I have to accept that this is the only way to be reprogrammed and back to how God made us in the first place.
I have stumbled to masturbation in the shower at gym however, and I am determined to not let this take me over. I know I can break this temptation and stronghold. I just have to pray before gym, before shower, confess any previous sin, determine to shower only and be in and out as quickly as possible. But I need to focus on God daily not just before the shower at gym. Change my daily discipline.
Fear of intimacy
Intimacy-aversive (sometimes called “sexual anorexic”) addicts have more trouble with “acting-in” than acting-out in the context of a relationship. This can be evidenced by behaviors that tend to sabotage or erode the intimacy in that primary romantic relationship: withdraw, withholding, blaming, shaming, avoiding, hiding, controlling, etc. Sound familiar? Nearly 40% of all sexual addicts also deal with Intimacy-aversion. There are 3 common roots of Intimacy-aversion: 1) attachment disorder with one or both parents, 2) sexual trauma and 3) reflexive/reaction to the sexually-addictive behaviors.
While I don’t think I personally deal with this type at a significant level, I can see that I was a prime candidate: my relationship with my mother growing up was volatile and with my dad it was shallow; I was sexually traumatized to a significant level as described earlier; and I experienced overwhelming shame guilt and fear towards my wife early on in our marriage because I was still walking in the addiction and acting out. Even today, I have to be on guard for ways that I can tend to subconsciously sabotage the intimacy in our relationship through blaming and controlling, behaviors common amongst those of us dealing with same-gender attractions.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
I read a blog post today called “The Martyrdom of Marriage” that is really worth reading. If you struggle in your marriage please take the time to read it.
http://anam-cara.typepad.com/anam_cara/2010/09/the-martyrdom-of-marriage.html
In this video by Tal Prince, he shares how he first was exposed to pornography and how it was powerfully associated as an escape from porn. He goes on to explain how porn addiction is an “intimacy disorder” and what that means. You can learn more about Tal’s ministry at www.route1520.com.
This is re-posted with permission of Brian Dodd on Leadership.
Unfortunately, there are several people in my personal life who have recently divorced or are strongly considering the idea. This is a devastating epidemic in our country that leaves negative consequences affecting multiple generations. What is always humbling is that even the most healthiest of marriages are only one wrong decision away from a lifetime of regret.
David Jeremiah recently said “The church has done an excellent job putting ambulances at the bottom of a cliff. What we have to start doing is putting barriers at the top of the cliff.”
I recently had an enlightening conversation on what you actually base a marriage on. Here is what I told the person you do NOT base a marriage on:
- Trust - Every healthy marriage has trust. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Love – Every healthy marriage has love. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Common Interests – Every healthy marriage has things in common. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Attraction – Every healthy marriage has attraction. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Companionship – Every healthy marriage has companionship. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Money – Every healthy marriage must have financial resources. You just can’t base the marriage on it.
- Kids – Children are obviously important. You just can’t base the marriage on them.
Once he picked himself up off the floor we addressed the appropriate follow-up question. So if you can’t base a marriage on Trust, Love, Common Interests, Attraction, Companionship, Money, or the Children, what do you base a marriage on?
A Healthy Marriage Is Based Upon A Person. A healthy marriage is based on Jesus Christ. Marriage was instituted by God and is a picture of the relationship He has with his bride, the church.
A Healthy Marriage Based Upon A Person has these benefits:
- A reliable foundation that does not change.
- A manual called the Bible that teaches you how a marriage works.
- A model of sacrificial love.
- A model of commitment.
- A healthy way to resolve conflict. For more information on this topic, click here.
- A reliable counselor who brings reconciliation.
- A financial coach who helps you avoid the pressure of debt.
- A generous benefactor who gives you perfect gifts and meets all your needs.
- A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
- You understand the value of purity.
The most important leadership roles I have is that of husband and father. The reason is because each day I set precedent and send my family forward to a time we cannot see. Tell me your thoughts on what you think a marriage should be based on.
For those of us who are married, you know that investing in the relationship with our mate is one of the most profitable activities we can do. MarriedLife, a ministry devoted to helping people experience the individual growth necessary for a healthy marriage, has kicked off a campaign called The Great Date Experiment. This is how they introduce it.
Most of us want to spend time with our spouse, but most of us don’t spend enough time with our spouse. When we do get time together, a lot of us experience the classic, “What do you want to do? I don’t know, what do you want to do?”
So, your task if you choose to accept it: go to the site, download a date and invest in your marriage!
I got the last of the ScreamFree Marriage email mini-seminar today. It has a lot of really helpful little nuggets. You can see it in entirety here.
For who struggle and are married, you know that your marriage can be one of your biggest supports and biggest triggers to act out. Take the time to invest in yourself and your marriage!
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