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We wanted to let everyone know we have a new channel on Vimeo. In it we will be sharing bits and bytes about The Purity Report and how it all works. Check it out and leave a comment!
We created a quick screen-cast to give an overview of The Purity Report and the 40 Day Challenge. Take a look!
Note: It’s best to watch the video in full-screen HD mode to see all of the details.
Leave a commentDon’t Let Your Lust Go Unaccounted For!
A while ago we blogged about identifying the biggest triggers for our lust. The point of that blog post was to encourage us to proactively identify what the main triggers for our lust may be and put guardrails in place to safeguard us from them.
Triggers can be very different from person to person, but generally fall into two categories:
- Physical Triggers (people, places, things)
- Emotional Triggers (feelings, thoughts, circumstances)
One of the most important aspects of recovery from porn/sex addiction is taking the time after a “slip” to process what happened. What were the specific triggers leading up to this particular episode?
Using the categories of physical and emotional triggers, we can gain valuable insight into our addiction after giving in to sin. Looking at it differently, you could say that it is discovering what the enemy used to gain access to our lives in this instance. Furthermore, over time we will see patterns emerging. This information about our addiction is absolutely necessary if we are to find real, lasting freedom from sexual sin.
Here are some questions that may be helpful when looking back and processing a fall. When answering them, don’t think just about the exact time that you acted out, but think about the last week or so leading up to it.
Physical Triggers
- What places did I go to that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including places online)?
- What people did I encounter that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings?
- What things did I come across that triggered lustful thoughts and feelings (including things online)?
Emotional Triggers
- What specific feelings have I wanted to escape or numb myself to? How long have I had these feelings?
- What has my mood or attitude been like? What has contributed to my mood or attitude?
- What feelings of anger or frustration have I been feeling? What is the cause of that anger or frustration? Who is involved?
- What feelings of resentment am I feeling? Who are those feelings directed toward?
- What stressful circumstances have I been dealing with? How have these contributed to the feelings I listed above?
- What have my predominant thoughts been focused upon? How do these thoughts mesh with the feelings and circumstances I listed above?
- What thoughts have specifically led to fantasy and arousal? How long have I been entertaining these thoughts? What feelings and circumstances have been in play since I have entertained these thoughts?
The next step is to decide what you are going to do with this information. How can you use it to help protect yourself from giving into sin in the future? What do you need to pray for wisdom and strength to guard against? Where do you need to specifically shore up your accountability? What do you need to avoid altogether?
Taking the time to carefully and courageously reflect upon our physical and emotional triggers is a non-negotiable aspect of recovery from addiction. Make a pact with yourself and your accountability network that you will always take the time to complete such an inventory when you give in to your lust. Don’t wait days or weeks to process your slip. Our addictive minds quickly cover up all of this junk when we act out. Take advantage of the time fresh from a fall, when your emotions are still raw and your conscience is screaming, to reflect upon what happened. You will not regret it!
Our site for women, Partners for Purity, has undergone a facelift today!
Partners for Purity has helped literally hundreds of women hurt by pornography, sexual sin or infidelity. This amazing online community of women offers hope, prayer, encouragement and healing.
If you are a woman and have been hurt by someone else’s sexual sin, you do not have to go it alone. Please visit Partners for Purity and get the help you need and deserve. There is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!
Leave a commentThe devotional blog, My Love Notes From God, has a thought-provoking post today. It talks about how our culture today looks very similar to ancient Roman culture in its view towards sex. One quote in particular should not go unnoticed.
And let’s not forget the old, commonplace sin of adultery. Blushing over that sin is definitely a thing of the past. Truth be told, adultery is one of the most insidious of them all. It has decimated families and is the likely culprit that has given rise to much of the aforementioned perversion.
The idea that adultery becoming so commonplace has given rise to so many of the other views we have on sex had not occurred to me before. Looking at a swath of 50 years, it is probably right on the money. Broken families result in broken lives Broken lives result in all sorts of coping mechanisms, escapism and risky behavior, particularly in the area of sexuality. Sex is used as an attempt to be loved an accepted because so many of us missed that growing up. It is very easy to equate intimacy with sex and fall into a trap. Multiply that over decades and millions of lives and it’s not hard to see how we ended up where we are culturally.
Stats Video from Pure Path.
Our friends at PurePathOnline.com have produced a great video short of statistics related to pre-marital sex. The numbers can be quite shocking.
A friend of our ministry shared this very transparent testimony with us. We are sharing it with his permission. Masturbation is one of those “gray areas” for a lot of people. But, for many others, it is black-and-white and should be avoided just like pornography. Here’s a quick hint: if you have to justify masturbation to yourself or others, you should seriously consider dispensing with it.
I will explain something I have struggled with for nearly a year. I noticed back then that I was not being stimulated by visual images or by myself and it would take longer and longer for me to get an erection. I also noticed that foreplay between my wife and I was not stimulating either. It got to the stage 2 months ago, where I could not get an erection at all so we could not make love. I was angry and frustrated. My wife was very supportive, encouraging and accepting. It was only a few weeks ago that I discovered what the problem was.
During foreplay this time, after not being able to get an erection, my wife placed her hand on my inner thigh as she was encouraging me with her words and it felt nice, so I asked her to do that again and after a few minutes, I noticed I was getting an erection! So we were able to make love that time. Then I realised what had happened to me. It all made sense. Years of chronic masturbation have desensitized myself to my stimulating myself to the point that it does not work any more. Years of watching porn has done the same, I found myself responding sexually (as in getting an erection) to more and more of different types of porn or sexual positions, sexual activity and these two combined factors were no match to the stimulation in the bedroom between my wife and I. The third factor was that my wife by nature, is not one to show much initiative in foreplay so me having to do most of the work here has gone against me as well.
The next time we got together, she showed much more initiative in using her hand to massage and caress my body and this was more than enough stimulation for me!! She does not mind doing this if it means I get an erection and can then make love. I am so greatly relieved I have found an answer to my dilemma. It does mean though that I have to go cold turkey with masturbation, porn and any other sexual stimulation so that I retrain my brain to respond only to my wife’s touch, foreplay and marital sex only. That is going to take some time but I have to accept that this is the only way to be reprogrammed and back to how God made us in the first place.
I have stumbled to masturbation in the shower at gym however, and I am determined to not let this take me over. I know I can break this temptation and stronghold. I just have to pray before gym, before shower, confess any previous sin, determine to shower only and be in and out as quickly as possible. But I need to focus on God daily not just before the shower at gym. Change my daily discipline.
Mood swings/Brain imbalancedThe last common area, which I can relate to, is Mood-affective sexual addiction. This type is characterized by a pattern of using sex to placate or control the highs and lows of mood swings. The two most common medical diagnoses related to this pattern are depression and bipolar disorders. The fact is that sex addicts deal with mood issues at a rate of nearly 4 times the general male population 26% for the former, 7 for the latter. Thoughts that often accompany the acting-out range from “This will make me feel better” to “Well, if I just get it over with I’ll be able to go to sleep.” I have dealt with depression and anxiety and have benefited greatly from using a drug called Welbutrin (especially during the winters) to combat Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Before recovery, I would use masturbation to comfort myself when feeling down, depressed or simply lethargic instead of finding someone to talk to, workout or experience adventure. Now, I am living the real and engaged life I always wanted: running, hiking, skiing, and pursuing new adventures regularly instead of using the escape of masturbation and fantasy as a counterfeit source of adventurous fun and exercise to help my brain get the needed endorphins naturally and in a non-habit-forming way.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Fear of intimacy
Intimacy-aversive (sometimes called “sexual anorexic”) addicts have more trouble with “acting-in” than acting-out in the context of a relationship. This can be evidenced by behaviors that tend to sabotage or erode the intimacy in that primary romantic relationship: withdraw, withholding, blaming, shaming, avoiding, hiding, controlling, etc. Sound familiar? Nearly 40% of all sexual addicts also deal with Intimacy-aversion. There are 3 common roots of Intimacy-aversion: 1) attachment disorder with one or both parents, 2) sexual trauma and 3) reflexive/reaction to the sexually-addictive behaviors.
While I don’t think I personally deal with this type at a significant level, I can see that I was a prime candidate: my relationship with my mother growing up was volatile and with my dad it was shallow; I was sexually traumatized to a significant level as described earlier; and I experienced overwhelming shame guilt and fear towards my wife early on in our marriage because I was still walking in the addiction and acting out. Even today, I have to be on guard for ways that I can tend to subconsciously sabotage the intimacy in our relationship through blaming and controlling, behaviors common amongst those of us dealing with same-gender attractions.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
Psychological deficits
The second most common type of addiction-psychological-is created when sex is used to “medicate” against painful memories or relational experiences from childhood in adulthood. In other words, we all have emotional/relational needs that must be met developmentally: affirmation, attachment/bonding, gender affiliation, trust, responsibility, honesty, and others. When these needs are not met or when we develop scarring as a result of abuse or neglect, the result is pain. You could call this “soul pain” and a soul in pain will seek medication. So, the addict has chosen sex as his “poison” to cover up the effects of this psychological pain instead of facing the pain and growing through it.
For me, the main sources of pain were my relationships with parents and peers. My parents loved me and I knew that, however, they were limited in what they could give me and sometimes what they gave me was harmful. My dad was a bit relationally stunted and passive: he was very fun and likeable but unable to connect on a heart-to-heart level with me or show me how that was done as a male. My mother, also fun-loving and caring, had an anger issue and would sometimes get controlling and violent. My peers were merciless from 6th grade through 10th when I was bullied and called names that were terribly feminizing and confusing.
The net effect was that I had a love-hate relationship with men, looking for them to rescue me, while waning in my ability to respect them. When it came to women, I was not interested in anything other than friendships because that felt like healing and not something that would consume or violate me. And as far as peers were concerned, I’ve had to work through trust issues and take risks to be “fully-known and fully accepted” (the very definition of intimacy).
Furthermore, the confusing attractions towards men came from the need to be affirmed in my own masculinity and have a sense of mastery over life-something that good looks, big muscles, a sense of freedom and adventure and all the other things I was attracted to in males was trying to give me in a false or counterfeit way. Part of this root came also by way of comparison/contrast in my relationship with peers and being a “late-bloomer.” Puberty came later than normal for me and this, coupled with having to shower after gym class every day in 7th and 8th grade, created a sense of inferiority, jealousy and strife around things s_xual and anatomical. The mix of this psychological deficit and the regular practice of masturbation with the images of the other, more developed and endowed boys, made for a very powerful longing for what I didn’t seem to have and an attachment to what they appeared to.
You may learn more about Jayson Graves and his excellent counseling ministry, Healing for the Soul by visiting their website – www.healingforthesoul.org.
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