Relativism and Pornography
Published January 31, 2012 | 
The World Dictionary defines Relativism as follows:
…any theory holding that truth or moral or aesthetic value, etc, is not universal or absolute but may differ between individuals or cultures.
A phrase used in relativistic thinking is, “There is no absolute truth.” Of course, that very statement violates the philosophical law of non-contradiction, which states that a precept cannot be both true and false at the same time in the same way. Saying, “There is no absolute truth.” is an absolute truth statement, which nullifies itself as self-contradictory.
Regardless of this obvious contradiction, relativistic thinking, particularly with regards to morality, is pervasive in our culture. How many times have you heard, “What’s true for you may not be true for me.” The outworkings of functional relativism, as I’ll call it, ultimately result in humanism. Man is the ultimate arbiter of truth, and since men have differences one to another, so truth claims have no absolute authority over individuals.
Relativism poses significant issues to the Christian worldview. As a Christian, God is the ultimate authority and arbiter of truth. Furthermore, Christian orthodoxy holds that God has revealed his moral law to humanity through the Bible. This is the standard by which Christians are to measure themselves and the world around them. The doctrine of God’s sovereignty, creation, sin, the fall of man, and the atonement through Jesus Christ are central precepts to Christianity.
What is clear is that American Christians, especially with regards to sex, are largely identical to society at large. Divorce rates, pregnancy out of wedlock, consumption of pornography, even abortion, and so forth measure similarly. One way in which Christians in the Bible are specifically exhorted by the Bible to be distinct to those around them is in the area of sex (see 1 Cor. 6:12-20). However, what we actually see is no real difference. This is could be called hypocritical at best.
So what does relativism have to do with the church’s hypocrisy regarding sex?
No firm believer in Christianity and the Bible would adhere to full-on relativism, “There is no absolute truth.” But the seeds of relativistic thinking are present, evidenced by inconsistent profession of belief and actual behavior (again read hypocrisy). Most Christian men, for example, would agree that the use of pornography represents lustful, and therefore sinful behavior. They would not recommend it to others as a beneficial to the spiritual life and relationship with Jesus Christ. Their behavior, on the other hand, reveals they do not apply this same assertion to themselves. Christian men, who would not recommend pornography to others, are frequent consumers of it. This is evidence of an underlying functional relativism as it relates to pornography.
Why is this an important point? Isn’t this just sin requiring repentance? Why all the talk about relativism?
Yes, pornography is sin in the Christian worldview (see Matt. 5:28). Its production and consumption are both sinful according to biblical standards of morality. The issue with simply slapping the label of “sin” on it and moving on is that it short-circuits deep self-reflection on the issue. In our modern vernacular, the term “sin” has such a behavioral emphasis that it is applied only to abstinence from prohibited actions. This detracts from the process of repentance, which is generally defined as a “change of mind.” Changing one’s mind requires thinking about an issue, not merely willing a change of behavior.
Romans 12:2 admonishes us, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” In order for the mind to be renewed, it must actually be used. If we stop at “sin” as wrong behavior, we discourage the use of our minds to actually think about what is going on, allow the truth of God to penetrate our thinking, and bring about a change of thinking. Asserting you have bought into functional relativism, evidenced by hypocrisy, beckons each of us to take a long, hard look at ourselves. This engages the mind, brings light to our thinking, and results in changes in thought and hence behavior.
When was the last time you heard someone teach that we should repent of the sin of functional relativism, evidenced by immorality? There’s something that makes me think!
There is obviously much more to say about this topic, but I will stop here to keep it brief. What do you think? How has functional relativism kept us from arriving at the place where porn is not an option?
Posted in Purity, Sexual Addiction | 
behavior, brokenness, character, God, growth, heart, lust, marriage, porn, Recovery, relationships, salvation, sex, sex trafficking, shame, sin, temptation | 
Leave a commentFasting Sex In Marriage – Part 2
Published January 19, 2012 | A sexual fast is biblical because sex as an idol must be torn down.
A sexual fast is biblical because it helps remove sex or lust from being an idol. What does the Bible say about idols in our lives? It says over and over again that we are to bow down only to God himself, no one else.
“For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person – such a man is an idolater – has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.”
Ephesians 5:5
In this passage the bible equates someone who is immoral with someone who is an idolater. The Bible calls the immoral man also guilty of idolatry. 1 Thess. 1:9 says that we are to turn from idols to serve the loving God. All throughout the Old Testament God commands his people to not get ensnared into idol worship and to tear down the idols.
A great illustration of this is the great revival of King Josiah found in 2 Kings 23. King Josiah basically got his heart right with God and began to tear down the symbols of idol worship in the land. Those symbols were called Asherah poles. This was the name of a sensual Canaanite goddess Astarte, the feminine of the Assyrian Ishtar. Its symbol was the stem of a tree deprived of its boughs, and rudely shaped into an image, and planted in the ground. (Easton’s 1897 Bible Dictionary from “BibleGateway.com”) Josiah rightly knew he had to tear down any idol or it would be a snare to the people. Why is a sexual fast biblical? Because since lust and sex has become the idol then that idol must be torn down. Just like a drug addict must give up his drug so must the sex addict give up the idol of lust.
Possible Consequences
Don’t misunderstand the consequences of a man tearing down the idol of porn and masturbation. While each person is different for myself the thought of giving up my right to porn and masturbation was one of the most difficult issues I’ve ever faced. The pain of withdrawal drove me to anger, irritability, rage and physical symptoms such as my hands shaking. A man honestly dealing with his sexual addiction is a brave man in my mind. He may go through horrible withdrawals emotionally and physically the journey to sobriety is hellish with no exaggeration.
Porn Is Not An Option
Published January 18, 2012 | I have been impressed with a thought recently…
Porn Is Not An Option
This thought has been coming back to me again and again. I shared it with a struggling friend who asked if I meant restricting access to porn through filters and so forth. While that certainly fits with this phrase, it falls short of the meaning in my heart.
A marriage ministry in my area is well-known for saying “divorce is not an option.” They recommend couples take divorce off of the table. Whatever issues they are facing, whatever conflict they are going through, divorce should be completely and mutually taken off the table as a viable option. This frees them to focus on the issues at hand, rather than ultimatums regarding the marriage itself. They go on to say that as long as divorce is on the table, every other issue on the table is shrouded in its shadow. Taking divorce off of the table allows all of the other issues to be worked on without the fear of the D word – the ultimate escape hatch.
The P word has been an escape hatch for me – a parachute of sorts. When I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my life, I can just pull the chute and up pops my savior, lowering me gently to the ground. The problem is the parachute falls down around me and offers no support once I am back on earth – where my real problems live! It was a great ride, but leaves me with nothing more than a temporary rush. It is the ultimate non-solution.
“Porn is not an option” means that for me, as a follower of Jesus Christ, pornography is simply not an option for me. I have taken it off the table as a viable alternative. As long as porn is an option for me, evidenced by the fact that I would use it frequently or infrequently, all of the other issues are shrouded by it. It colors everything – my perspective on God, his goodness, the care of others and the important issues in my life.
What does it take to come to the place where porn is not an option?
Is rape an option? Is robbing banks an option? What about murder? Am I suggesting that porn is on par with these? No. But, I am suggesting that until we categorize pornography as a personal, moral issue against which we have taken a firm stance, we probably will continue using it. It is still an option. Regardless of the consequences, the temporary lift it may bring is worth it. There are plenty of things in our lives that we have decided are not options for us. Pornography has to join the ranks of those things against which we have taken a personal stand.
Will you join me? Will you take a stand that whatever it takes, I will get to the place where porn is not an option? When the temptation hits and access is available, I have to choose something else – something greater than porn. I choose differently because porn is not an option!
Posted in marriage, Purity, Recovery | accountability, addiction, behavior, character, confession, growth, heart, marriage, porn, Purity, relationships, sex, sin, temptation | 2 CommentsFulfilling the Law of Christ
Published November 23, 2011 | Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
- Galations 6:2
Helping others. It is a very rewarding experience. When we enter a healing journey from habitual sin such as sex addiction, it feels good to lend a helping hand to another in need of support. When we have been struggling, it sometimes feels very natural to help others who are struggling too. It is a welcome distraction to the difficulty of resisting temptation. Scripture even directs us that “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4) As virtuous as it may seem to reach out to help fellow strugglers, we must hold to the whole counsel of scripture.
Jesus included this very topic, showing loving support to others, in what He described as the second greatest commandment in the entire Bible: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” (Matthew 22:37-40)
Amazingly, Jesus said that we have to love ourselves as well. Loving others and loving ourselves are inextricably linked. For some reason, the thought of helping another person can be a lot easier than reaching out for help ourselves. In order to “carry each other’s burdens” we have to be willing to let others carry our burdens as well. There is a mutual give-and-take implied in these scriptures. If we try to support others, yet do not seek support for ourselves, we are not fulfilling the law of Christ. We are in fact in violation of it.
Another passage which supports this principle is found in Hebrews.
See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.
- Hebrews 3:12-13
Before moving on to the practical application given in these verses, it is important to point out the consequence of not experiencing mutual encouragement – our hearts become hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. More importantly, this verse answers an important question. How long does it take for the heart to become hardened? Only one day! The shelf-life for a soft heart is twenty four hours! For this reason we are clearly instructed to encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today.
Fortunately, the author of Hebrews gave us four clear areas where we can give and receive encouragement. Three refer directly to the state of our hearts: a sinful heart, an unbelieving heart, and a heart that turns away from the living God. Lastly, we are cautioned to not be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. Let’s look at these four areas a little more closely.
1. A sinful heart
In our contemporary Christian culture, when someone struggling with a particular sin reaches out to the church for help, they are all-to-often instructed to read the Bible, pray, attend church, and the list goes on. Notice that this is not what the Bible recommends as the answer to a sinful heart. Seeing that none of us has a sinful heart does not primarily involve discipline, but encouragement!
We need to encourage each other when we struggle with sin. This requires honest and courageous confession with another Christians. In doing so, we experience first-hand the incredible power of James 5:16 which states that we should “confess our sins one to another and pray for each other that we may be healed.”
2. An unbelieving heart
We all struggle with unbelief from time-to-time. The circumstances of life can be incredibly discouraging. We need to daily give and receive encouragement which bolsters our faith. This is best done by sharing the word of God with fellow Christians. In doing so, we experience Romans 10:17 which tells us that “faith comes by hearing…the word of God.”
When we share insights from scripture with each other, our faith becomes stronger.
3. A heart that turns away from the living God.
This is a question of worship. It is not whether we will worship, but rather what will we worship. We either will worship the living God with our hearts, or turn away to other false gods. Those of us at The Purity Report have an obvious god that we have habitually worshiped sex.
When we confess our sins with other Christians and deal with our unbelief through sharing scripture together, it is not a difficult next step to encourage one another to turn to God today instead of turning away from Him. No matter what circumstances we are facing today, we can be encouraged that we can do all things through Christ and we can cast all of our anxieties upon Him because He cares for us! (Philippians 4:13, 1 Peter 5:7)
4. A heart hardened by sin’s deceitfulness
We all have blind spots. We all have thought patterns and perhaps behave in sinful ways that we may be completely unaware of. Sin and the flesh can be very deceptive. As we develop the daily habit of mutual encouragement, we have the opportunity to apply tough love and help each other to see our blind spots. This should, of course, be done with an attitude of compassion and with sensitivity. When we take the courage to carefully point out areas where we all can improve, the true maturity of our relationships are revealed. Are we willing to trust each other enough to give and receive constructive criticism when necessary or do we become defensive and allow shame to do the talking? We must remember that “Wounds from a friend can be trusted.” (Proverbs 27:6)
Here is a quick synopsis:
- To fulfill the law of Christ, encouragement must be a give and take
- I must both give and receive encouragement daily to avoid a hardened heart
- Daily we should mutually
a. Confess our sins to each other
b. Strengthen each others faith through scripture
c. Point each other to God as the object of our worship and affection
d. Carefully reveal any blind spots that may contribute to a hardened heart
Posted in Purity, Recovery | accountability, behavior, character, Grace, growth, healing, heart, intimacy, Purity, Purity Report, Recovery, relationships | 2 CommentsFeeding our Appetites
Published August 14, 2011 | One thing that I have heard before that wasn’t encouraging to me at the time, but looking back I understand…
Once we act out, we find it easy to redouble our efforts. Like any appetite, once we feed it, it is quelled for a time. This is true of our sexual appetite. When we indulge ourselves, the sexual hunger is satiated and doesn’t bother us for a time. It could be a few days or even a few weeks or months. Our efforts to avoid temptations and maybe avert our attention from objects of temptation come easy for a time after acting out.
It isn’t easy when the siren’s call to dash ourselves on the rocks grows from a whisper to a shout. The hardest part of recovery is growing to the point where we are able to withstand temptation when the hunger hasn’t been fulfilled.
We have to remember that the thing we actually hunger isn’t sex, but intimacy, connection and pleasure. The false intimacy and connection of pornography, and the fleeting pleasure of masturbation always leave us flat. And like any appetite, it only grows as we indulge it.
Like I said, that is tough and may not sound encouraging right now, but I felt that it would be helpful to you in the long run. Stay strong and use the time when the temptation is low to build real intimacy, connection and healthy sources of pleasure into your life. That is the best way to combat the temptation to come.
If you don’t have face-to-face friendships with others who can encourage you, start out by joining our forums for strugglers at The Purity Report. It is a safe environment to begin talking about your temptations in a structured way and receive prayer and encouragement.
Posted in Purity, Recovery | addiction, behavior, character, emotions, growth, intimacy, lust, masturbation, porn, Purity, Recovery, relationships, sex, temptation | Leave a commentOperation Integrity – Emotional Triggers
Published June 21, 2011 | We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world–your mind and heart–put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Matthew 5:8 The Message
“No matter what we do or where we hide, we can’t escape our essential design. We long to be free of shame’s restraints, immersed in the passion of giving and receiving. We long to live a sacrificial life that matters today and tomorrow.”
- Dan Allender Ph D
It is a good idea for us to review our Step Four inventory along with our sponsor or counselor. When doing this review with an open mind and heart, we can begin to see how difficult emotions can be triggers for our addictions. While emotions can be our triggers, our character defects are the building blocks of addiction, and our self-centeredness is the cement which holds our addictive nature together. We will never find the freedom to recover and live well until we remove all of these addictive components from within us.
In reviewing our inventory, we can see how our character defects began innocently when we were children. They were our means of survival. We learned to manipulate to get our needs met. We lied to protect ourselves. We hid our emotions to avoid embarrassment and shame. We rationalized things in order to escape ugly realities that were too much for us to bear alone. Our character defects are really ineffective tools for coping and control. They are our methods of minimizing pain and diffusing threats that we see coming our way. Without realizing it, our character defects have become a kind of strategy to care for ourselves when are afraid that no one else will.
We may feel afraid when we think of losing our defective coping mechanisms. After all, we have, at least to some degree, subconsciously thought that our character defects were important for us to survive. Thinking this way, we will subconsciously mourn the thought of having our character defects removed from us. Because letting go of our character defects can be painful, it is important that we lean on those who have been working at recovery longer than we have. Those who have more experience will understand our pain and fear. Fearing the loss of a coping mechanism is understandable, but it is essential for us to grieve these losses without complaint so that we can effectively move on down the path of recovery.
Exercising courage makes it possible to learn new and healthy ways to live our lives without resorting to the addictions that we have relied on in the past. With courage, we trade our destructive emotions and addictions for the simple gift of gratitude. Gratitude posts a guard at the door of our hearts, which is to be accessed only by God and those whom He allows. Gratitude will help us to be thankful for life as it is, not how we wish it or expect it to be. Today and every day, we stand at a crossroad. But we don’t stand alone. Our recovery fellowship stands with us. Even better, the Source of all power, God, has joined the battle for us to live a new way, to become new people, to be free.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery?
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment Five
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
Posted in Recovery | accountability, addiction, brokenness, character, emotions, growth, Recovery, relationships, shame | 2 CommentsAnniversary Thoughts
Published June 1, 2011 | 
Today is my ninth wedding anniversary. I wanted to share some of my random thoughts about the day:
- I love her more today than the day we married – love grows when it is tended
- Marriage has been the single largest catalyst for change in my life outside of God himself
- Unconditional love is my greatest value, and my greatest challenge – it is not a fruit of the flesh
- False intimacy is no substitute for real intimacy (into me see)
- Intimacy does not equal sex – physical intimacy is intimacy in its shallowest form
- Love is both a verb and a feeling. I need to “feel it” often, and “do it” when I don’t.
- My wife doesn’t want me to “fix” her when she is upset, just hold her and tell her everything is okay. Why is that so hard for me to do?!
I could go on and on.
Marriage is under a lot of fire these days. I can understand why – our culture is primarily self-centered. Good marriages require that we be other-centered. It is counter-cultural and counter to our human nature.
Marriage is a supernatural bond that only works when we love the way God loves – unconditionally, sacrificially, deeply and passionately!
Posted in marriage | emotions, family, intimacy, love, marriage, relationships, Spouses | Leave a commentThe Resurrected Life
Published April 24, 2011 | My mind is always blown on Easter. Just the thought of a dead man being raised back to life after three days is mind boggling. Of course, that is exactly what we celebrate today. Jesus has conquered sin and death and lives forever as a testament to God that the price for our rebellion against Him has been paid.
Jesus invites us into his resurrected life. However, the way to that life is to follow his example. If we are to experience the joy of his resurrected life, we must also endure death at the cross. It is not a physical death, but surrendering to the reality that Jesus suffered on our behalf.
There are a lot of areas of my life where I want to experience Jesus’ life – my relationships are first on the list. Even my sex life makes the list. But I am reminded on Easter that in order for something to be resurrected, it first must die. Am I surrendering my life and all that it is about to Jesus so that it is his resurrected life that makes it live rather than my dead, sinful “life?”
Bottom line:
For something to be resurrected, it first has to die!
Posted in Miscellany, Recovery | brokenness, forgiveness, God, healing, intimacy, relationships, sex | Leave a commentPurity Bytes Podcast – Episode 2 – What is Sex Addiction?
Published January 19, 2011 | 
The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 2:
What is Sex or Porn Addiction?
How do I know if I am a Sex or Porn Addict?
In this episode, we define sex and porn addiction. We also give a few tools to help you discover if you are addicted to sex and/or pornography.
Posted in Purity Bytes | addiction, intimacy, Podcast, porn, Recovery, relationships, sex | Leave a commentThe Post Holiday Back-to-Work
Published January 8, 2011 | 
Christmas is all over. The gifts have been opened. The decorations put away. The New Year is here. The fireworks are spent. All the traditions of celebration are gone. Now, it’s time to get back to work. Time to put all that stuff away and get back to the grindstone.
Of course, the exact opposite is true for many. The holidays weren’t a time of great joy or celebration. You may have all sorts of family drama or for whatever reason Christmas is not very festive. Getting back to work is exactly what you have been looking forward to for those weeks while everyone else seemed to be smiling it up.
There are still others who don’t have any work to return to. You’ve been out of work so long it sounds like a fairy tale. Christmas, the gift-giving and receiving, has just been another unwelcome reminder that you don’t have a regular paycheck.
No matter what category you fall into, we can all use a good dose of perspective. What is God’s unchanging view? What is really important and how does that translate into my day-to-day activities?
What comes to mind for me is to focus on the eternal first and surrender the rest of it to God’s control. So what are those eternal things?
I have heard it said that only two things will be in heaven:
- Jesus
- People
That boils down to one word – relationships.
I want my life to be rich in relationships – both with Jesus and others. So while I am packing away the trimmings from the holidays, I am reflecting and mentally packing away the baggage that the holidays can carry. All the family drama, the resentments, hurts and disappointments – I am putting into God’s able hands and seeking His power to surrender and forgive. I am making a mental checklist of all the folks I need to mend things with. I have some awkward conversations to have and some new habits/routines to establish with my wife and kids.
What I am realizing is that the work I need to get back to won’t earn me a paycheck. I am back to work of course, trying to make ends meet. But my heart is mostly wrapped up with the work of repairing, deepening and forming relationships. My connections with Jesus my Savior and other people are the only things that will endure into eternity.
That sure puts things into perspective!
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