We Support
One thing that I have heard before that wasn’t encouraging to me at the time, but looking back I understand…
Once we act out, we find it easy to redouble our efforts. Like any appetite, once we feed it, it is quelled for a time. This is true of our sexual appetite. When we indulge ourselves, the sexual hunger is satiated and doesn’t bother us for a time. It could be a few days or even a few weeks or months. Our efforts to avoid temptations and maybe avert our attention from objects of temptation come easy for a time after acting out.
It isn’t easy when the siren’s call to dash ourselves on the rocks grows from a whisper to a shout. The hardest part of recovery is growing to the point where we are able to withstand temptation when the hunger hasn’t been fulfilled.
We have to remember that the thing we actually hunger isn’t sex, but intimacy, connection and pleasure. The false intimacy and connection of pornography, and the fleeting pleasure of masturbation always leave us flat. And like any appetite, it only grows as we indulge it.
Like I said, that is tough and may not sound encouraging right now, but I felt that it would be helpful to you in the long run. Stay strong and use the time when the temptation is low to build real intimacy, connection and healthy sources of pleasure into your life. That is the best way to combat the temptation to come.
If you don’t have face-to-face friendships with others who can encourage you, start out by joining our forums for strugglers at The Purity Report. It is a safe environment to begin talking about your temptations in a structured way and receive prayer and encouragement.
Leave a commentWe became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
You’re blessed when you get your inside world–your mind and heart–put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Matthew 5:8 The Message
“No matter what we do or where we hide, we can’t escape our essential design. We long to be free of shame’s restraints, immersed in the passion of giving and receiving. We long to live a sacrificial life that matters today and tomorrow.”
- Dan Allender Ph D
It is a good idea for us to review our Step Four inventory along with our sponsor or counselor. When doing this review with an open mind and heart, we can begin to see how difficult emotions can be triggers for our addictions. While emotions can be our triggers, our character defects are the building blocks of addiction, and our self-centeredness is the cement which holds our addictive nature together. We will never find the freedom to recover and live well until we remove all of these addictive components from within us.
In reviewing our inventory, we can see how our character defects began innocently when we were children. They were our means of survival. We learned to manipulate to get our needs met. We lied to protect ourselves. We hid our emotions to avoid embarrassment and shame. We rationalized things in order to escape ugly realities that were too much for us to bear alone. Our character defects are really ineffective tools for coping and control. They are our methods of minimizing pain and diffusing threats that we see coming our way. Without realizing it, our character defects have become a kind of strategy to care for ourselves when are afraid that no one else will.
We may feel afraid when we think of losing our defective coping mechanisms. After all, we have, at least to some degree, subconsciously thought that our character defects were important for us to survive. Thinking this way, we will subconsciously mourn the thought of having our character defects removed from us. Because letting go of our character defects can be painful, it is important that we lean on those who have been working at recovery longer than we have. Those who have more experience will understand our pain and fear. Fearing the loss of a coping mechanism is understandable, but it is essential for us to grieve these losses without complaint so that we can effectively move on down the path of recovery.
Exercising courage makes it possible to learn new and healthy ways to live our lives without resorting to the addictions that we have relied on in the past. With courage, we trade our destructive emotions and addictions for the simple gift of gratitude. Gratitude posts a guard at the door of our hearts, which is to be accessed only by God and those whom He allows. Gratitude will help us to be thankful for life as it is, not how we wish it or expect it to be. Today and every day, we stand at a crossroad. But we don’t stand alone. Our recovery fellowship stands with us. Even better, the Source of all power, God, has joined the battle for us to live a new way, to become new people, to be free.
Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery?
By David Zailer and The Men and Women of Operation Integrity
Chapter Six Segment Five
Copyright David Zailer, 2008
Operation Integrity
24040 Camino del Avion #A115
Monarch Beach CA 92629
1-800-762-0430
operationintegrity@cox.net
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Today is my ninth wedding anniversary. I wanted to share some of my random thoughts about the day:
- I love her more today than the day we married – love grows when it is tended
- Marriage has been the single largest catalyst for change in my life outside of God himself
- Unconditional love is my greatest value, and my greatest challenge – it is not a fruit of the flesh
- False intimacy is no substitute for real intimacy (into me see)
- Intimacy does not equal sex – physical intimacy is intimacy in its shallowest form
- Love is both a verb and a feeling. I need to “feel it” often, and “do it” when I don’t.
- My wife doesn’t want me to “fix” her when she is upset, just hold her and tell her everything is okay. Why is that so hard for me to do?!
I could go on and on.
Marriage is under a lot of fire these days. I can understand why – our culture is primarily self-centered. Good marriages require that we be other-centered. It is counter-cultural and counter to our human nature.
Marriage is a supernatural bond that only works when we love the way God loves – unconditionally, sacrificially, deeply and passionately!
Leave a commentMy mind is always blown on Easter. Just the thought of a dead man being raised back to life after three days is mind boggling. Of course, that is exactly what we celebrate today. Jesus has conquered sin and death and lives forever as a testament to God that the price for our rebellion against Him has been paid.
Jesus invites us into his resurrected life. However, the way to that life is to follow his example. If we are to experience the joy of his resurrected life, we must also endure death at the cross. It is not a physical death, but surrendering to the reality that Jesus suffered on our behalf.
There are a lot of areas of my life where I want to experience Jesus’ life – my relationships are first on the list. Even my sex life makes the list. But I am reminded on Easter that in order for something to be resurrected, it first must die. Am I surrendering my life and all that it is about to Jesus so that it is his resurrected life that makes it live rather than my dead, sinful “life?”
Bottom line:
For something to be resurrected, it first has to die!
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The Purity Bytes Podcast (on iTunes)
Byte-sized chunks of wisdom about sexual purity…
Episode 2:
What is Sex or Porn Addiction?
How do I know if I am a Sex or Porn Addict?
In this episode, we define sex and porn addiction. We also give a few tools to help you discover if you are addicted to sex and/or pornography.
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Christmas is all over. The gifts have been opened. The decorations put away. The New Year is here. The fireworks are spent. All the traditions of celebration are gone. Now, it’s time to get back to work. Time to put all that stuff away and get back to the grindstone.
Of course, the exact opposite is true for many. The holidays weren’t a time of great joy or celebration. You may have all sorts of family drama or for whatever reason Christmas is not very festive. Getting back to work is exactly what you have been looking forward to for those weeks while everyone else seemed to be smiling it up.
There are still others who don’t have any work to return to. You’ve been out of work so long it sounds like a fairy tale. Christmas, the gift-giving and receiving, has just been another unwelcome reminder that you don’t have a regular paycheck.
No matter what category you fall into, we can all use a good dose of perspective. What is God’s unchanging view? What is really important and how does that translate into my day-to-day activities?
What comes to mind for me is to focus on the eternal first and surrender the rest of it to God’s control. So what are those eternal things?
I have heard it said that only two things will be in heaven:
- Jesus
- People
That boils down to one word – relationships.
I want my life to be rich in relationships – both with Jesus and others. So while I am packing away the trimmings from the holidays, I am reflecting and mentally packing away the baggage that the holidays can carry. All the family drama, the resentments, hurts and disappointments – I am putting into God’s able hands and seeking His power to surrender and forgive. I am making a mental checklist of all the folks I need to mend things with. I have some awkward conversations to have and some new habits/routines to establish with my wife and kids.
What I am realizing is that the work I need to get back to won’t earn me a paycheck. I am back to work of course, trying to make ends meet. But my heart is mostly wrapped up with the work of repairing, deepening and forming relationships. My connections with Jesus my Savior and other people are the only things that will endure into eternity.
That sure puts things into perspective!
This is part 2 in a multi-part series.
So, if you’ve made it this far I’m going to assume that you didn’t altogether disagree with part 1. If you thought I was flamboyantly idealistic in the first part then you can relax a little. I have no intention of getting all inspirational and stuff on this one. Actually, I’m going to employ a different tactic and you should probably stop reading now. I’m almost certain you’re going to be offended because I don’t know of a nice way to convince someone to not be a liar.
2. Believe That Promises Should Be Kept
A marriage is a promise at least and a binding contract at most. We make promises and enter into contracts for a reason. I shouldn’t have to say this but feelings are a terrible reason! Would you advise that someone make a lifelong promise because of how they felt for a certain season of life? I hope not. So why then would you choose to break a promise under the same conditions? If you’re trying to solve your way out of a problem I’d like to recommend not using the same toolset that got you into trouble to begin with.
I believe that in most cases this is what divorce is at it’s root: It is a lifelong decision made because of the absence of the feeling recognized as “being in love.” A promise, however, should be kept regardless of the presence, or absence, of this feeling. I can’t be more plain than that.
C.S. Lewis writes:
And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.
If you want to save your marriage you have to believe in promises, and not just the ones that others have made to you. Have you not, your whole life, been a staunch advocate for others to keep their promises to you?
Haven’t you?
Another question, how many of the arguments that moved your marriage to this point were caused because your spouse broke a promise to you?
I see.
Look. All I am asking, or rather all I am challenging you to do, is esteem your own promises above all others or shut up already about what anyone else owes you.
If you want to save your marriage you need to believe that promises should be kept. Especially yours. Especially when it’s hard.
Reproduced with permission of dewde.com
Leave a commentEver felt this way? I know it’s a parody of addiction, but it’s not too far from reality. When we are in denial, addiction can wreak havoc in our lives and the lives of those around us!
Best line at the end – “It’s the truth that sets you free, and accountability that keeps you there.”
Our site for women, Partners for Purity, has undergone a facelift today!
Partners for Purity has helped literally hundreds of women hurt by pornography, sexual sin or infidelity. This amazing online community of women offers hope, prayer, encouragement and healing.
If you are a woman and have been hurt by someone else’s sexual sin, you do not have to go it alone. Please visit Partners for Purity and get the help you need and deserve. There is hope and healing in Jesus Christ!
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If you are a woman struggling with pornography, this interview with Dr. Jill Manning is very insightful. The majority of porn consumers are men, but the percentage of women using pornography is growing. Latest statistics show that nearly ONE IN THREE visits to internet pornography websites are women.
In it she discusses some of the latest research regarding pornography, its impact on society and how it impacts women specifically. She also talks about how pornography stunts our ability to experience healthy sexual relationships in our marriages.
If you are a man struggling with pornography, this is also a helpful listen to help understand this is not just a mens’ issue. We need to stand up as men and be who God called us to be, which includes our sexuality.
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